unfair of me to ask ex for more money?

[bluestarrsy]

We have a 20 month DD. Ex DP has a lot of issues and we parted on amicable terms. He struggles very much with his mental health and since the split four months ago he hasn’t seen DD. I’ve not pushed it, I know he’s got problems and isn’t coping too well.

However, he earns well. I earn ok and he’s on almost double that. When we split he agreed to pay me 800 a month to cover costs for DD. This seemed like a lot at the time and I was grateful (the maintenance calculator comes up with 30 quid less). But I’m suddenly realising that it doesn’t go far with nursery fees (currently 1,200 a month full time).

Would I be unfair to ask for more money? He has recently been sent to a v v expensive area for work and accommodation is not subsidised so I know he is now paying around 1,800 a month purely on rent costs (he sent me the link on Rightmove and it’s not even that nice!!).

I am not sure what to do. On the one hand I feel like he’s left me to cope alone but also I know he’s not a bad person he’s just got a lot of struggles. I can afford our life as it is but part of it feels unfair that I’m managing everything and will have to deal with all increased living costs alone.

@PenguinPete try reading the OP. This "dad" NEVER sees his child. It's not about how much she earns and if she therefore "needs" his contribution or what anyone else managed on. The father of this child earns 100k and has more than 3k pm all to himself, after paying the OP £800. It's about percentages and fairness. Why should one parent get to fix at about 20% of their income and that's it, job done, with zero.input into the raising of the child and no inhibitions to earning / pension whilst the other has no such "cap" and is significantly impaired in their earning potential? How is that fair or right?

How am I "insane"? what a terrible thing to say!

Just because many/most families survive on less money per month does not mean that high earners should shut up because they are paid more than the average person when it comes to child maintenance.

Why should the child live in a lesser situation than one of it's parents? Particularly when that parent has checked out on that child in every other way?

Just because something can be done does not mean it should be done.

If it helps you we are not a high income family. However if my husband left and only contributed financially I would expect him to pay me the absolute most he could afford. Why just because the OP is a Mum should she have to suck it up and pay for everything? Things do not get easier when your child leaves nursery that cost just moves to other areas.

He should do more than help with costs with his own child it's pathetic how low the bar is

She is being unreasonable.

Live within your means. End of story. That's what rich folk say to poor folk. It goes both ways.

She's already getting £800 a month. On top of 3.5k she earns a month. If you can't raise a child on this money you must be an embecile. Many raise their kids on universal credit 😴

OP, you say you've not pushed it but why don't you insist that he needs to see his child and take on some responsibility?

its not a race to the bottom. Dads should contribute commensurate with their lifestyle and earnings.

the child of a high earner should have a lifestyle that reflects this.

we Don’t live in a communist country - we don’t all have to have the same lifestyle as dictated by government benefits.

This is an unusual one because both parents seem to be high earners.
The OP doesn't qualify for child benefit so presumably earns >£60k.
The ex presumably earns £100k or more.

For a lower earning mother childcare would be largely paid for via the benefits system but this is not the case here.

I think it is reasonable for the father to pay more than 50% of the childcare costs and other child related costs (accommodation, food, clothes etc) as the father is the higher earner.

I think OP is fully justified in asking for more money.

I am baffled by the replies here.
He made a decision to have a child.
He made a decision to leave and not see his child.
I would be asking for more. A lot more. He can afford it.
Why does he get to opt out?
You carried that baby for 9 months, you gave birth. What has he contributed?
What would happen if you decided to opt out?
Take as much as you can get from him. What else use is he?!

That's not how you spell imbecile.

And she is paying for everything necessary with the money available, but it's a bit tight.
The father surely has money left over at the end of the month. She doesn't.

Why should ALL the strain be felt by the mother?
Why should she suffer for his choices?
Why should the child have a lower standard of living than its parents are jointly able to provide?
Why shouldn't the father do the best he can for his child?

Why must the mother provide everything, to the absolute limit of her means, while the father provides only a financial minimum?

And at this level of wealth, that £30 is negligible, an absolute red herring. I know very well that it's the difference between money on the metre and sitting in the dark for many, but if your income is this high, there's just no difference between £770 and £800. He offered £800, not her. How do you think he came up with that figure? I'd bet money it was the CMS calculator and he just remembered the result it gave as "about £800."

This man has walked out on his family and is now providing as little as he can get away with.

Out of interest, how much more per month would you like?

Thanks for the replies. Those saying I’m on loads of money, actually 60k and still paying student loans is not that much take home.

@Thatladdo i would think the usual maintenance plus 50% of childcare? (Maintenance is for day to day costs not childcare)

For context my mortgage is 1k a month.

I'd put it that he pay 50% of nursery then £350 as you have dc 100% of evenings and weekends and provide everything, but stress when he feels able to take on more responsibilities you should reduce it by £50 for each day per week he has her overnight. (Maths is easy this way)

I think that's reasonable. Then you're both able to work full time, reasonably comfortably, until you're no longer paying this childcare.

Or suggest he works 4 ddaysto save on childcare.

800?! I get £126 a month. I'd have a great life with 800!

Why is this relevant to OP and her ex?

are you suggesting that a man earning c£100k should only pay £126 a month because you are satisfied with that lifestyle?

I get £28 a month 😅 can’t imagine getting £800

Your focus should be how pathetic a contribution this is from a grown adult o his child.

How is it that low!?!?

@Bellyblueboy I haven't suggested a thing, I was just surprised to see someone getting so much compared to myself. Christ.

Flat rate if on benefits

Fuck, I'm sorry.

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Although I'd think about approaching it slightly differently seeing as you are on amicable terms, by doing a quick summary of child-related expenses and also lost time.

If you were still a couple he would be contributing a higher percentage of costs as the higher earner and a MUCH higher percentage of his time (i.e. more than zero) to parenting.

Show him what you're losing and let him know he's not the only one struggling as a result of the break-up.

As well as clarifying your own thoughts around what you want to get out of the conversation, seeing it in black-and-white may prompt him to come up with a reasonable offer. Whether that's money, or time, or some other solution that lightens your load.

I really feel for you, it's exhausting to be a lone parent.

You're wrong. Maintenance can be used towards childcare. Look it up.

If he is such a high earner,I don't think supplements should be made via benefits