unfair of me to ask ex for more money?

[bluestarrsy]

We have a 20 month DD. Ex DP has a lot of issues and we parted on amicable terms. He struggles very much with his mental health and since the split four months ago he hasn’t seen DD. I’ve not pushed it, I know he’s got problems and isn’t coping too well.

However, he earns well. I earn ok and he’s on almost double that. When we split he agreed to pay me 800 a month to cover costs for DD. This seemed like a lot at the time and I was grateful (the maintenance calculator comes up with 30 quid less). But I’m suddenly realising that it doesn’t go far with nursery fees (currently 1,200 a month full time).

Would I be unfair to ask for more money? He has recently been sent to a v v expensive area for work and accommodation is not subsidised so I know he is now paying around 1,800 a month purely on rent costs (he sent me the link on Rightmove and it’s not even that nice!!).

I am not sure what to do. On the one hand I feel like he’s left me to cope alone but also I know he’s not a bad person he’s just got a lot of struggles. I can afford our life as it is but part of it feels unfair that I’m managing everything and will have to deal with all increased living costs alone.

Presumably when you child turns 3 you will be entitled to some funded nursery hours. You could always ask for a modest uplift for the months between now and then if he feels he can afford it.

Didn’t OP say it was only £30 more than the calculator though ? So I’d imagine he can afford it, as it is hardly the most generous tool around (I may be wrong due to unknown expenses or other). By this I mean even if he takes it badly (it doesn’t really sound like they have a hugely acrimonious relationship as she helped him find the rental though), it wouldn’t change CMS much. I agree I’m surprised at the amount, but if they say so…

@bluestarrsy I personally (easy for me to say, but as you don’t seem to stand huge amounts to lose worse case scenario) would ask but nicely, but I’d have a spreadsheet of costs to make it quick and factual, which can help. At least it may plant the seed in his mind.

Yes this also

I would think if you’re on £60k a year and getting £800 on top then you’d be laughing.

The issue is the nursery costs but you would have to pay this whether he contributed or not.

On one hand you can ask and say that either he pays more or she’s the child (I’d be very annoyed he’s not making the effort to see his own child).

But on the other hand, he’s paying more than what he should be and it could backfire and he end up paying less.

I’d personally encourage him to see the baby more and focus on this and tell him how unfair it is that you are doing all of the work, whilst working FT and on top paying X amount for nursery and all of the other things she needs and he gets to basically wash his hands of all responsibility.

You can definitely ask ... but he doesn't have to agree and you have no other recourse as CMs calculations don't work in your favour.
If you get on reasonably well I'd suggest just asking nicely, maybe explain a bit your finances and the challenge of being a 100pc sole carer. All he can do is say no! You could also think about asking for something else practical that is need for DC? If he would prefer one offs rather than a regular payment.
But legally there's no other option if he's paying over the CMS amount

Would anyone mind confirming if I’m misunderstood that he’s paying 800 instead of 770 calculated by the CMS. As I’ve seen many posts about overpaying etc, so I’m doubting my understanding (not my first language). Thank you if anyone has the time !

Of course I understand it’s still £30 but I guess you’ll understand what I mean, given the CMS isn’t usually the most generous, so it implies quite some responsibility to pay in any case doesn’t it ?

OP, it sounds as though the two of you have a good relationship. Can you speak to him about this, saying pretty much what you’ve said here about childcare costs, and see how he responds?

Well clearly that’s not what I said!! Please read my post again

Yes he’s paying more than what the online calculator suggests.

He pays £30 more.
He pays £800 but if they went through CMS he’d be paying £770.

Sorry I misquoted you.

That was @Virginsexonthebeachplease

It depends on how much he earns. What is he on?

I personally think he should give you abit more, given that he’s not caring for his child at all. He can afford it.

The alternative is for him to start taking care of his child sometimes, it’s not impressive that he’s not spending any time with her at all.

I'm appalled by the responses you're getting. Of course YANBU. This man has approximately £3000 a month left after he's paid you and his rent. All these comments saying you should be grateful, the nursery years are always a struggle are completely failing to mention that not for him, they're not.

You are wealthy compared to many people and the contribution you get is huge compared to most. I think a lot of people are judging on that. But it really isn't relevant. His contribution is pitiful compared to what he could give. CMS sets a minimum, not a maximum contribution.

It is not fair that you should struggle due to the cost of raising your child when their father is so well off. The fact that he has no other role in their life just makes that even more true. With this much money available, it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to cover 100% of the costs, as you provide 100% of the care. (And I bet there are all sorts not being taken into account here, like the higher rent for a 2 bed, the council tax, the additional journeys to and from childcare, the limitations on your own career progression.) For whatever reason, there are plenty here who want to see women struggle. Who would rather the child went without than that a mother felt any of the benefit of her ex-partner's money. That's their problem. An appropriate contribution from your ex would not leave him short and he should be offering more.

No matter what judgement you get here, if your child one day looks back and thinks, "We were OK, Mum did her best, but money was always tight. My father was rolling in it, but he never gave us much more than the minimum he had to" they will not think that that was OK. And they will be right.

The only reason not to ask for more is if that is likely to make him stop paying at all. Assuming he won't do that, yes, absolutely bloody ask him for more, and tell him exactly why.

The reality of the situation (regardless of morals) when you split up you're no longer a family unit, he's required to pay CMS and is actually overpaying, a decent man might do more, contribute to school uniform costs etc. but he's not legally obligated to. You get CMS and then your on your own in terms of supporting yourself and your dc. You can complain about mental load, time spent parenting as much as you like but those are the rules.

Access is a separate issue, if you want him to do a share of nursery pick ups, have dc every other weekend then that's the conversation you need to have.

Of course "that's the rules". what we're debating is the morality of it. And you can't force contact or shared care if its not wanted. I'd love to do 50/50 but my ex absolutely will not do a minute over his occasional weekends. The rules and CMS in its current state is utterly useless from ALL sides.

Essentially he earns more than you and a child should always be entitled to live at the same level as the highest earning parent.

Why should a resident parent struggle because they receive what most consider a sizeable amount of maintenance. If the non resident parent can afford more they should pay more. He isn't a good man because he pays £30 more than an online calculator says. A good man would ensure their child and by extension the child's mother do not struggle.

I think people get caught up to much on the amounts of money. It isn't about that really, it is about ensuring the child has everything they need without the mum having to sacrifice her standard of living. This is more so important as the father has no input except from financially.

What happens when the child is sick and Mum has to take unpaid leave but still cover nursery costs? Why should Dad get to enjoy a luxury lifestyle when Mum is struggling to cover all the Living costs? It does not matter if you are a low or high income family it is about giving that child the best standard of living the parents can afford.

So yes ask Dad for more money. Even if you ask him to pay some directly to the nursery and the rest directly to yo.

Thank you very much

You not being entitled to child benefit means you earn an absolute fortune. To the tune of 50k a year.

Find another job or work from home. He's giving more than my rent in child support.

I'm sure you can manage the rest.

You are insane.

Once you a separated, you work out a system for children and stick to it.

You don't "owe" your ex partner anything. Especially when she's on 50k + a year.

If you can't live on 3.1k a month (plus 800 in maintenence) you are doing it wrong.

Some of us are living on 1800 a month and are doing just fine.

It’s this type of comment I am talking about.

There is a bitterness about higher earners.

high earning men should contribute large amounts to their children’s upkeep. Their children should have a lifestyle which reflects their high earning parents.

OP shouldn’t feel grateful that some of her childcare costs are covered by child support - 50% of all the costs of raising a child should be covered by the father.

I never once disputed that raising a child is 50/50.

But If you feel the need to ask for (more than) a fair amount, to cover fees you are unwilling to pay yourself then you are the problem. Not cms.

OP also hasn't disclosed contact arrangements between her partner and the child. They seem very close. Probably still friends, definitely still care for each other. If he sees his child very frequently it's fair. As stated by cms.

He has his own life to pay for as well. Its not like he's abandoning his responsibilities, but he isn't an unlimited flow cashcow.

He's entitled to his own life and his own money. Just as OP is. If she's wasting hers, then that isn't her exs problem.

So what is a fair amount? If the amount now doesn’t cover the costs for this child.

should the child come out if nursery? Drop to four days a week and therefore OP can’t work full time?

Both parents are surely entitled to their own lives and their own money? And yes OP could reduce the cost of her child’s clothing and food - maybe try and get into a cheaper day care. Work hard to curtail the child’s cost to only double the cams payment. Or she could speak to her ex and explain daycare is extremely expensive and she needs extra help while full time childcare is required.

but this is a high earning couple - and a dad who has no contact with his child - telling her to be grateful because your costs are lower seems bizarre and totally irrelevant.

Yes you should ask for more. If he is on £96k, maintenance at £800 pm is a drop in the ocean. Living in an expensive area is his choice and privilege. I'm not really sure why pp think this a fair contribution. Seeing at you are the only parent, and his contribution is fiancial only, then of course your earning power is going to be affected by being the only one doing nursery runs, sick days etc. CMS is the very basic, so slow handclap for the absent high earing father paying just £30 more than his legal obligation.

Check the OP.

He hasn't seen the dd for 4 months.

This man does 0% of the practical and emotional work.