unfair of me to ask ex for more money?

[bluestarrsy]

We have a 20 month DD. Ex DP has a lot of issues and we parted on amicable terms. He struggles very much with his mental health and since the split four months ago he hasn’t seen DD. I’ve not pushed it, I know he’s got problems and isn’t coping too well.

However, he earns well. I earn ok and he’s on almost double that. When we split he agreed to pay me 800 a month to cover costs for DD. This seemed like a lot at the time and I was grateful (the maintenance calculator comes up with 30 quid less). But I’m suddenly realising that it doesn’t go far with nursery fees (currently 1,200 a month full time).

Would I be unfair to ask for more money? He has recently been sent to a v v expensive area for work and accommodation is not subsidised so I know he is now paying around 1,800 a month purely on rent costs (he sent me the link on Rightmove and it’s not even that nice!!).

I am not sure what to do. On the one hand I feel like he’s left me to cope alone but also I know he’s not a bad person he’s just got a lot of struggles. I can afford our life as it is but part of it feels unfair that I’m managing everything and will have to deal with all increased living costs alone.

I think it would be unfair to ask but I think you should try and encourage he spends time with her. Maybe he come round one night a week to start bonding with her so he can eventually do overnight visits. Are you benefiting from the tax free childcare as this really helps me

800 is a lot every month! He must be earning a packet for CMS to say he owes 770. ExP pays just over 200 for DS through CMS and I thought that was a reasonable amount 😱

Well you did say

Just because he earns more doesn't mean you get to have it. He's helping with nursery feed and you are able to work full time.

This man earns over 100k. His contribution to their child consists of just over 60% of nursery fees. That is all.

Do you really think this is a fair contribution? 'Helping' with nursery for his own child? So the OP can be a single parent, full time as well as work full time.

How low are your expectations that you think she is 'doing well'?

Presumably OP is also having to make compromises at work, such as forgoing promotions, opportunities for overtime etc. Opportunity cost are very much part of the total cost of children, not just buying clothes and nappies.

I think if he is paying above CM and struggling himself then I'd be reluctant to ask.

Does he have parents or siblings that might be interested in building a relationship with the child?

yeah but presumably the children's dad in your case is skint maybe even on benefits so his contribution is according to his wages, this guy earns 100k.

The actual amount in comparison to what anyone else gets is irrelevant. The op has said she doesn't get CB or any other tax benefits as she is a decent earner but even if she did, why should that let the ex off the hook ..why does he get to ring fence 80% of his salary for himself? No RP gets to do that. When mine spend two weeks in the summer with my ex my expenses plummet. Food shop is about £25 for the two weeks. I run the dishwasher and washing machine maybe twice in that fortnight. If I was the NRP I'd be thousands better off. This ex never sees his child, does absolutely zero care. Absolutely he should morally be contributing a much greater %. Legally however it's a different story.

According to the CMS calculator and the figures you've given (and I've put in one overnight a week, average) he's earning c£90k and you say you're earning half that so c£45k.

If you're not entitled to child benefit you're over £50k.

The cms calculator is a blunt tool, but £400 a month shortfall in nursery fees is not his problem - you pay those fees to enable you to work. It's a huge chunk out of your gross salary but it is your choice (OK, not really a choice) to work. Does £800pcm come anywhere close to the other additional cost your child incurs?

*maybe slightly jaded, when together my ex and I had a total household income less than yours alone and his cms is pennies by comparison for 2 dc...

sorry but i wouldnt be rocking the boat. half of the nursery fees is generous seeing as thats so that YOU can work

I think your focus is wrong - you should be looking at having him spend time with his child, and he seems to absolved himself of any responsibility in that field! You said he is unwell, however he is certainly well enough to hold down a very highly paid job which he clearly does well as he’s been moved to a more lucrative position. You really can’t put a price on building a relationship between a parent and child.
You are more than ok in asking for a bigger contribution, but you know he’s not obliged to agree. In fact, if he decided to go through CMS, you may well end up with less than he currently pays. Out of interest, what is the housing situation? Did you own a property that was split when you split up or do you rent?
Have you thought about working compressed hours and having 1 day a week at home with your dc? I know many women who do this successfully. It has 2 benefits - you get to spend more quality time with your dc, and you save on nursery fees.

You don't get a salary for it though

As a family we racked up a chunk of credit card debt when DC were in nursery. Once they started school we were able to pay it off. I think most families struggle until the funded nursery hours start and in a few years your childcare bill will be much less than £1,200/mth.

He's giving what he should. Regularly without causing you hassle. This is not the norm and you need to recognise this.
Have you applied for tax free childcare account to help pay some of the nursery bills.
You aren't entitled to anymore. The nursery years cripple everyone but won't last forever. It's hard - but he has left you on your own.

Where is this calculator? I don't have kids, but I'm curious now what such a situation would cost for me if I did...

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Why is it awful? He's paying over his 50% share

Surely nursery is for US to work?! Baffled by that comment.

I have tried to encourage him seeing Dd but he has a lot of emotional issues, he is in therapy for it. He does not cope well.

He earns a lot but as I said 1,800 is swallowed up on his rent before anything else, then 800 to me. So his ‘real’ take home isn’t as much as you would imagine. I agree he has more opportunities than I have work wise.

I am conflicted as I feel I’m doing it all and paying most of it all too. But then again as some posters say, maybe not worth rocking the boat.

Of ONE aspect. That's it. Not 50% of the overall real and hidden costs.

Are you concerned about 50/50 in terms of childcare too, or is that’s ok for just be left solely to one parent?

I'd not ask for more money as he's already paying above CMS level but I'd ask him to come and see his DC once a month to start with then after a few months once a fortnight then once a week. Over time he might agree to take DC overnight to give you a much needed mental break.

@PicaK because it’s not the norm doesn’t mean it’s acceptable and we say nothing? Gosh women have it hard with this attitude!

Im lucky he’s a decent person in the main, but let’s do better for women in general shall we?

That's such a depressing comment. So because a huge number of absent parents pay fuck all, dodge the system and don't even pay the entirely inadequate rare of CMS the OP should grateful? Jesus the bar is so low it's buried in a ditch isn't it.

@caringcarer i am trying, it’s hard yards with him

Because he gets to work and doesn’t have to pay for nursery to cover his working hours because childcare is a woman’s job? What the hell are you talking about?! It enables him to work just as much as it enables her too, or do you think fathers have no real responsibility to their children?

Isn’t it just. He does fuck all for the child HE helped bring into this world, but OP should be grateful that he covers just over half the cost of childcare each month as his only contribution to their JOINT child. Unbelievable.