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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have felt slightly peeved that a waitress was speaking to my partner in a foreign language that I can’t understand

179 replies

Redrose28 · 12/08/2023 11:07

Hi all. I was out with my partner having a meal after a long and hard week. My partner is from a different country and he has another language as his first.

There was a waitress from his country in the restaurant too. When we were sat down, she was next to the table and they were speaking to eachother a fair bit in their language and I obviously couldn’t understand. They were asking where eachother were from etc. Whenever she came past either of them would make little comments in their language. Whenever she came to the table she would speak in his language to him. When the bill came, they spoke in their language too, about what I had no idea.

I was feeling a tad annoyed. What do you guys think of this? Am I justified to feel a tad annoyed? Should I mention it or let it go?

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 12/08/2023 17:12

Learn the language. Then you won’t have a problem

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 17:13

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 16:44

@Berlinlover and @Tartareistasty, do either of you speak other languages and have you lived in countries where your own language is a "foreign" one?

Show quote history

I speak 3 fluent (well ok, third one is not writing that well, but writing that they understand), learning 4th, can do few aentwncea of others living in second nowcountry where my language is again not native one.

Frankly, it should boil down to- in service industry you don't ignore half the table you are serving.
Or/and a boyfriend /partner/spouse should be translating sometimes too.

Yeah, it's nice to speak your own, but leave it for appropriate settings or do it in appropriate way. Like asking if everything is ok with food in both, not just one the other party doesn't understand.

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 17:18

Honestly, the typos are just making me look thick🙈 sorry. I am having some issues with the phone keyboard. I miss old atyle onea

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 17:19

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 17:13

I speak 3 fluent (well ok, third one is not writing that well, but writing that they understand), learning 4th, can do few aentwncea of others living in second nowcountry where my language is again not native one.

Frankly, it should boil down to- in service industry you don't ignore half the table you are serving.
Or/and a boyfriend /partner/spouse should be translating sometimes too.

Yeah, it's nice to speak your own, but leave it for appropriate settings or do it in appropriate way. Like asking if everything is ok with food in both, not just one the other party doesn't understand.

Show quote history

So do you have to translate everything for your partner/spouse, or do you both speak the same language(s)?

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 17:29

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 17:19

So do you have to translate everything for your partner/spouse, or do you both speak the same language(s)?

Show quote history

We use English as default. We met and lived in uk, it's a default language. We know few polite phrases from each other's language and some words. So yes. We translate for each other if needed. If we mewtt his mates, they includw me or say something loke "you ok if we chat in x it's easier". Sure. Same for when we were with my language speaking group.
But in UK common language is English. If we lived in mine, he would absolutely have to learn mine and vice versa (which is why I am learning another now from completely different language base and it's not easy at all).
Both our native languages are difficult to learn.

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 17:42

I don't think you should have to translate everything for your partner/spouse.

I'm not sure everyone speaking in their common language really is translating for them. There have been situations where me and one other speaker have spoken one language that a third person didn't, so we spoke the language we all spoke. I wouldn't describe that as "I had to translate for X all evening", I was just speaking that language. Translating would be if there was no shared language, and so there was no way for the other two people to understand each other without me telling them each what was said. Which I agree is annoying, and I wouldn't translate every insignificant detail. But that doesn't sound like the situation OP was in.

I don't think it's awful or anything, just not what I would do when out with speakers of different languages.

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 17:44

Tbh it should really boil down to:
If a waiter is ignoring part of the table by not speaking the common language in that country both customers can speak it's unprofessional.
I had food businesses with diverse staff I wouldn't tolerate that. I also wouldn't tolerate that if we went to restaurant in UK and they did this tp DH. Nor would my DH if they did iy to me.
It's fine to have bit of a chat, but checking if all is ok and if they need anything else etc should be done in common or both langues.
It's also different if you are in the country where x language is native, of course.

elenacampana · 12/08/2023 17:46

It’s lovely for them to be able to use their own language with another native speaker. It’s such a nice thing when you live abroad.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 17:48

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 17:29

We use English as default. We met and lived in uk, it's a default language. We know few polite phrases from each other's language and some words. So yes. We translate for each other if needed. If we mewtt his mates, they includw me or say something loke "you ok if we chat in x it's easier". Sure. Same for when we were with my language speaking group.
But in UK common language is English. If we lived in mine, he would absolutely have to learn mine and vice versa (which is why I am learning another now from completely different language base and it's not easy at all).
Both our native languages are difficult to learn.

Show quote history

OK, it's a bit different if you both live in a third country and both speak other languages. There isn't the same imbalance of power that you have when one person is functioning in their native language all the time and the other person is constantly functioning in a second one.

DH and I also met in a third country and both speak the language of that country, which is completely unrelated to either of our native languages. We still use that language a lot when it's only the two of us (and always when we argue as it seems more democratic!Grin).

However, we moved to the UK (my home country) several years after marriage. He is definitely at a disadvantage as a result of the language imbalance, even though his English is excellent. I think the least I can do to address the imbalance is to let him speak his own language freely when he gets the chance, without having to constantly need to translate for my benefit.

And yes, his language is also "hard" for native English speakers to learn, but I have always felt that the onus is on me to make the effort as he has to make an effort every day to function in my language and in my culture.

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 17:57

It's fine to have a chat. It's not fine to ignore half a table though.

and always when we argue as it seems more democratic!
😂Totally!!! Though we sometimes sneak in some of our words. But in mine it's quite obvious when I swear apparently 😂
Funnily most lf our wods learning is food, 😂
But you've been together for a while, this is a boyfriend. I had boyfriends from different countries and wouldn't spend the time on that tbh to get o conversation level. And not only because I went too far after moving to uk and they had different language base😂

Tinkerbyebye · 12/08/2023 17:59

Ah well I would have b said something, you know like what was that you said? Pointedly at her, then I am sorry but will you speak in English please etc

but I would also make the effort to learn the language and speak up

tuscany88 · 12/08/2023 18:00

You're being unreasonable. He speaks English most of the time and was just enthusiastic about being able to speak in his own language for a few minutes. Sounds like you were annoyed that you couldn't understand what she was saying to him and even a little jealous.

If you've been together a while, perhaps learn his language.

PalomaPalomaPaloma · 12/08/2023 18:03

How many people asking "why don't you speak your boyfriend's language yet" speak other languages?

I speak four languages

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 18:04

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 17:57

It's fine to have a chat. It's not fine to ignore half a table though.

and always when we argue as it seems more democratic!
😂Totally!!! Though we sometimes sneak in some of our words. But in mine it's quite obvious when I swear apparently 😂
Funnily most lf our wods learning is food, 😂
But you've been together for a while, this is a boyfriend. I had boyfriends from different countries and wouldn't spend the time on that tbh to get o conversation level. And not only because I went too far after moving to uk and they had different language base😂

I think swearing is one of those things that doesn't usually need translation... it's generally pretty obvious!Grin

I do agree that I wouldn't have learned a language for a boyfriend. But the OP said "partner" so it sounded more like a committed relationship to me. Maybe I misunderstood.

And yes, DH and I have been together for the best part of 30 years now so there is no excuse for me not to know his language. Grin However, we both speak other languages that the other one doesn't know, and I don't think it would bother me if he had a conversation in the one that I don't understand. I'm just not that sensitive about it!

dragonbreaths · 12/08/2023 18:08

Tell him to run

GrethaGoat · 12/08/2023 18:08

YABU. I have lived in the U.K. for over 20 years, but love the chance to speak my mother tongue which I rarely get. My DH luckily fully understands that.

CoffeeandStories · 12/08/2023 18:11

English is not my husbands first language. I made the effort to learn his language. I am now fluent.

We speak a mixture to our children as its important to him that his children know his first language.

YABU. I presume you know the basics like hello etc, so ask him to teach you and look at language courses online.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/08/2023 18:12

I was married for ten years to someone from another country. I wouldn’t have dreamed of trying to restrict him from speaking his language. YABVU

cornflower21 · 12/08/2023 18:27

Learn his language??

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/08/2023 18:36

DH does this all the time. He is an Arabic speaker and if we are in a Lebanese or Moroccan restaurant I would be more shocked if he spoke to the staff in English. Expecting two people with the same mother tongue to speak a foreign language to each other is odd. If I can’t follow what is being said I’ll ask.

Brexile · 12/08/2023 19:50

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 17:57

It's fine to have a chat. It's not fine to ignore half a table though.

and always when we argue as it seems more democratic!
😂Totally!!! Though we sometimes sneak in some of our words. But in mine it's quite obvious when I swear apparently 😂
Funnily most lf our wods learning is food, 😂
But you've been together for a while, this is a boyfriend. I had boyfriends from different countries and wouldn't spend the time on that tbh to get o conversation level. And not only because I went too far after moving to uk and they had different language base😂

Are you Russian by any chance? (Just trying to guess from your excellent English, sorry if I'm wide of the mark.) My XH was Russian, as it happens, and he was terrible when it came to leaving me out of conversations, so I agree with you that the OP is NBU - it hurts to be excluded.

More recently I've been on the other side of that and I've been the one leaving my non-English-speaking boyfriend out of conversations, which isn't good. My XH was an arse (all countries produce them) but I'm beginning to understand hiw difficult it was for him in the UK, years ago when you didn't really meet east Europeans outside of big cities. When you meet someone with the same first language, it's difficult to hold back!

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 19:57

@Brexile awww thanks! It's not petfect, my syntax is still on my native base🙄
I am not Russian, bit Slavic base with hint of other. It's a mess😁

Yes, it's not ok to leave someone out. Tjougj I am currently sitting with bunch of arabs chatting away because I said it's fine as one doesn't speak English and they always bring me in at times. They haven't seen each other for a while so chat away!
But that is amongst friends and family. And I was asked.

In professional settings it's just not ok to ignore one customer.

tiggergoesbounce · 12/08/2023 21:05

Im not sure why you would be offended. If i chose to have a long-term partner from another country and felt i would get annoyed that he spoke his first language in front of me, i would learn his language.
Im sure he enjoyed speaking his own language with someone

Oh and you say the waitress knew you didnt speak the language....so.does your partner so to be annoyed with anyone, be annoyed with him. He could have said my partner feels insecure/isolated by me speaking in my mother toungue can you stop please. But he didn't as he probably enjoyed it and was doing no harm.

girlfriend44 · 12/08/2023 21:13

Someone raised a good question earlier but it didn't get answered OP.

Would you have felt the same if the waiter was a man?

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 22:15

girlfriend44 · 12/08/2023 21:13

Someone raised a good question earlier but it didn't get answered OP.

Would you have felt the same if the waiter was a man?

Don't know about op but I did.
Never had that in shops though, just in few restaurants. In shops and especially halal butchers they usually looked to me in uk specially if they saw my"eeremmmm" face😂
Callwd me to boss too. Loved it😂

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