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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have felt slightly peeved that a waitress was speaking to my partner in a foreign language that I can’t understand

179 replies

Redrose28 · 12/08/2023 11:07

Hi all. I was out with my partner having a meal after a long and hard week. My partner is from a different country and he has another language as his first.

There was a waitress from his country in the restaurant too. When we were sat down, she was next to the table and they were speaking to eachother a fair bit in their language and I obviously couldn’t understand. They were asking where eachother were from etc. Whenever she came past either of them would make little comments in their language. Whenever she came to the table she would speak in his language to him. When the bill came, they spoke in their language too, about what I had no idea.

I was feeling a tad annoyed. What do you guys think of this? Am I justified to feel a tad annoyed? Should I mention it or let it go?

OP posts:
JaneSeeMore · 12/08/2023 15:54

Log it with 101!

unsync · 12/08/2023 15:58

Why don't you learn his language? I'm sure he would like to speak his own language sometimes, which is probably why he enjoyed speaking with the waitress.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 12/08/2023 16:03

If there was no flirtation involved, then you're completely overreacting.

I'm wondering how long you've been with your partner? If more than 6 months or so I'd expect you to know at least the basics of his language. It's common courtesy and respectful to anyone with a partner of a different language as their primary language to make the effort to learn their mother tongue, just as they have made the effort to learn English.

You should only be peeved with yourself for not bothering to learn your partner's language.

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 16:08

How many people asking "why don't you speak your boyfriend's language yet" speak other languages?

Dh is having bit raised eyebrows as well here at the pretend "it's fine no conversation from your waiter, or translation from boyfriend, was in language everyone involves understands".

GenieGenealogy · 12/08/2023 16:12

How many people asking "why don't you speak your boyfriend's language yet" speak other languages?

Fluent Spanish, intermediate French. Understand Catalan/Portuguese, little bit of Italian. Enough German to say "I'm sorry I don't understand, do you speak English?" And in advance of our planned holiday to the Netherlands next summer, trying to learn a bit of Dutch.

So yeah. I speak languages.

HarrietJet · 12/08/2023 16:12

How many people asking "why don't you speak your boyfriend's language yet" speak other languages?
How is that relevant? Most of them mightn't have a partner who speaks another language? It would be the ultimate motivation to learn, wouldn't it?

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 16:20

HarrietJet · 12/08/2023 16:12

How many people asking "why don't you speak your boyfriend's language yet" speak other languages?
How is that relevant? Most of them mightn't have a partner who speaks another language? It would be the ultimate motivation to learn, wouldn't it?

I would not spend time to learn to converaational atandard in ahort relashionship. It takes time and dedication. Long term, yes if it's only one🙈

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 16:28

GenieGenealogy · 12/08/2023 16:12

How many people asking "why don't you speak your boyfriend's language yet" speak other languages?

Fluent Spanish, intermediate French. Understand Catalan/Portuguese, little bit of Italian. Enough German to say "I'm sorry I don't understand, do you speak English?" And in advance of our planned holiday to the Netherlands next summer, trying to learn a bit of Dutch.

So yeah. I speak languages.

Sounds good. It's a good talent to be able to get the languages. I have friend with 5 fluent (two on interpreter level) and another dialect of one and well jealous of her. Tbf she learned it all in the countries she lived (bar english) and the immersion made incredible difference.

So you know how hard learning can be especially if language has a different base. Learning conversational level for a boyfriend is bit ott. And OP's one is a boyfriend and if I didn't miatake the username, he is not to stay really

Berlinlover · 12/08/2023 16:32

I’m really surprised at the responses to this thread. Apparently it’s perfectly fine for two people to have a conversation and deliberately exclude the third person present. Just rude.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 16:33

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 16:08

How many people asking "why don't you speak your boyfriend's language yet" speak other languages?

Dh is having bit raised eyebrows as well here at the pretend "it's fine no conversation from your waiter, or translation from boyfriend, was in language everyone involves understands".

I speak several. Including my husband's mother tongue, because I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone and not making an effort to learn.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 16:35

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 16:28

Sounds good. It's a good talent to be able to get the languages. I have friend with 5 fluent (two on interpreter level) and another dialect of one and well jealous of her. Tbf she learned it all in the countries she lived (bar english) and the immersion made incredible difference.

So you know how hard learning can be especially if language has a different base. Learning conversational level for a boyfriend is bit ott. And OP's one is a boyfriend and if I didn't miatake the username, he is not to stay really

Show quote history

She described him as her partner. Which makes it sound like a committed relationship?

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 16:36

Berlinlover · 12/08/2023 16:32

I’m really surprised at the responses to this thread. Apparently it’s perfectly fine for two people to have a conversation and deliberately exclude the third person present. Just rude.

If they were all speaking the same language it would be rude. As it is it must have been lovely for them to have a rare opportunity to converse in their mother tongue.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 16:40

Berlinlover · 12/08/2023 16:32

I’m really surprised at the responses to this thread. Apparently it’s perfectly fine for two people to have a conversation and deliberately exclude the third person present. Just rude.

Personally, I think it's fine for the odd occasion when those two people are having to function in a second language the rest of the time.

When you decide to enter into a relationship with someone who has a different mother tongue to your own, you have to accept that they may want to speak it sometimes when you happen to be around. If you want to know what they're talking about, then you make an effort to learn. If you can't be arsed to learn, then you accept that there will sometimes be conversations that you can't be part of. Not everything needs to revolve around the monolingual partner. It's tiresome to have to constantly keep explaining everything.

HerwiPotah · 12/08/2023 16:40

How many people asking "why don't you speak your boyfriend's language yet" speak other languages?

I speak four languages, English is not my first (nor second) language. I do understand several other languages too though, but wouldn’t feel condident enough to speak them myself. If I listen to a conversation or watching on TV I would understand most of it, but then again Scandi countries languages are quite similar.

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 16:41

Why does everyone think it's rare to speak in mother tongue. Lots of immigrants know other immigrants with their language. Even if few.
This was work setting. Both customers should have ben included or boyftiend ahoumd have translate.
Even in friends setting we don't just ignore the odd one out

Berlinlover · 12/08/2023 16:42

Tartareistasty · 12/08/2023 16:41

Why does everyone think it's rare to speak in mother tongue. Lots of immigrants know other immigrants with their language. Even if few.
This was work setting. Both customers should have ben included or boyftiend ahoumd have translate.
Even in friends setting we don't just ignore the odd one out

I agree.

ImDoingThisNow · 12/08/2023 16:42

Learn his language. I did. It opens doors.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 16:44

Berlinlover · 12/08/2023 16:42

I agree.

Show quote history

@Berlinlover and @Tartareistasty, do either of you speak other languages and have you lived in countries where your own language is a "foreign" one?

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 16:46

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I do, and I have. And I agree with @Berlinlover and wouldn't exclude one person from a conversation when there is a common language that is shared and could be spoken instead.

Olika · 12/08/2023 16:48

I wouldn't be bothered whatsoever

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 16:51

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 16:46

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I do, and I have. And I agree with @Berlinlover and wouldn't exclude one person from a conversation when there is a common language that is shared and could be spoken instead.

Fair enough. Out of interest, have you ever been in a long term relationship with a speaker of another language?

I would make an effort to translate for a friend or a casual acquaintance - I agree that it would feel rude to leave them just sitting there. I do think it's different for a partner though, as the situation would arise so frequently. Important conversations would need to be translated for sure, but not every one? Who would want to live like that?

The best solution in that scenario is for both partners to learn each other's languages and then it isn't an issue.

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 17:01

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves not where their first language wasn't also my first language, no.

I agree that I'd try to learn the first language of a partner, however a lot of people really do struggle to learn languages so I wouldn't think particularly badly of someone who didn't speak their partner's language.

avocadotofu · 12/08/2023 17:03

Definitely let it go.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 17:09

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 17:01

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves not where their first language wasn't also my first language, no.

I agree that I'd try to learn the first language of a partner, however a lot of people really do struggle to learn languages so I wouldn't think particularly badly of someone who didn't speak their partner's language.

I think that's the difference then.

I don't think you should have to translate everything for your partner/spouse. Your mother tongue is a fundamental part of who you are, and you shouldn't have to compensate for that on a daily basis. It would be frustrating and annoying to have to translate each and every insignificant detail of each and every conversation.

And yes, some people do find language learning difficult, but most people could attain some level of proficiency if they actually put the effort in...at least enough to be able to follow a conversation if not actually participate.

And if they don't want to make the effort, that's OK but I think they should just accept in that case that they will sometimes be unable to follow what's being said. It isn't fair to expect one half of the couple to make all of the effort.

C152 · 12/08/2023 17:10

YABU. It is such a pleasant surprise to hear your own language being spoken when you're in a foreign country, even if you've lived there for years. The few times I have heard my native language being spoken by strangers on the street, I've been tempted to interrupt, just because it was so nice to hear a bit of 'home'.