Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

OP, I can see where you are coming from - years of snide remarks from your MIL and you have now retaliated. Unfortunately the words you said may have been a bit too harsh. What does your DP say when he hears his mum say these kinds of comments to you? Does he stand up for you?

Your MIL can dish it out but can’t take it - I don’t think you will get an apology, and you won’t apologise for what you said, so now you have to ask yourself if you are prepared to go the next few decades being civil to MIL for your partner’s sake or do you go no contact with her, which will severely affect yours and DP’s relationship?

It sounds like they are extremely close, seeing each other every morning - this isn’t going to change. Do you put up with that and just grey rock the MIL? That’s your only option really if you want to stay with your partner. And in future don’t make any more comments about being the last woman in his life, it doesn’t put you in a good light at all. Just ignore any more comments, it’s the only thing you can do if you want to stay with your DP. Good luck.

What you started was so unnecessary!

The more you speak , the more vile drips from your mouth . He needs to get away from you, not his mother. You are a nasty piece of work .

^ agree

She didn’t go for an argument, you did. Why do you care if she makes him lunch? It’s no skin off your nose.

The other question she should ask herself before tuning all us ‘shamers ’ out, is whether her MiL is the competitive one, or whether it’s just that she’s responding to regularly being put on the defensive by the OP - who, if you read her original post, actually started this particular confrontation and then seemed surprised when it escalated out of control.

Given the information that the OP has posted about this particular confrontation - which as far as I can see, was entirely down to her - what makes you think that the years of alleged snide remarks from MiL, are just the result of constantly being put on the defensive by the OP, who doesn’t seem to have any problem resorting to nastiness.

Sorry, that should read ‘ Are ‘not’ just the result of being constantly put on the defensive.’

My therapist likes to remind me ‘there are no mother in laws in nature’ meaning we are literally not evolved to deal with this bullshit relationship and it’s set up to fail… it always makes me laugh.

but they’re here to stay for most of us. Unless they’re being actively harmful we gotta suck it up. Recognise that they grew up without a lot of the language of psychology + self actualisation that we did - and their ‘babies’ are the ones that have to set the boundaries.

mine drives me MENTAL - she still refers to me and my husband as ‘the children’ despite me repeatedly asking her not to. She says ‘well done’ to me for performing the most basic life tasks as if I’m 4 (‘well done for remembering to load the dishwasher’) Sometimes I want to strangle her. But I scream in to my pillow. Text my sister. And then let that shit go. Because she’s crazy, and she won’t change but she loves us + her grandchildren so hard. And she’s lonely. I don’t want her to feel un loved too.

but f*^€ she’s annoying. I’m sorry yours is being annoying. I agree that for the sake of family peace, it’s probably worth a ‘worry I spoke hot - I didn’t mean to be unkind + I regret making you feel bad’ - even if you stand by what you said entirely!

@Hooplahooping - great post. I think it is spot on.

This, all day long.

Why did you bother posting, if you are so certain you are right? What was the point?

Conversation goes:

"I did this...and this happened"
Other posters then give their views
You say "Why shouldn't I have done what I did, I was perfectly justified" etc. etc. etc.
Yawn.

@Inkpotlover
if my DP spent every morning round at his mum's I would find it hugely annoying, even if it was just for half an hour

I'm happy I'm not the only one to feel this but what I can't understand is WHY should it be so annoying?

Thank you 😊

@DriftingDora
Why did you bother replying if it makes you so bored?

sorry, what's a non UK European Country? Never heard this before!

Oh look at everyone here pretending OP was the unreasonable one. Classic mumsnet.

HNRWT- why does he see him mum EVERY MORNING??!! Does she live across the road? Even then...

What are you talking about? Mumsnet mostly hates MIL's

Well I'm considering having a conversation with her. I don't plan on giving her an apology, but maybe there should be a frank discussion, if we can be respectful about it.
For some reason though I'm not sure this will work. I just have the feeling that in a way, she likes things like this.

Surely if you find it annoying you must know on some level why you find it annoying?

If you liked her as a person would you still find it annoying she sometimes makes him lunch? Or that he sees her for a bit each day?

It seems like you fundamentally dislike her and you're projecting that dislike onto every interaction, ready to view things as combative and escalating them instead of looking at them objectively.

As I said upthread, she absolutely didn't start this incident. She made him lunch. She's happy to. He's happy for her to. You made a snide comment, continued to escalate it and finished with what was a genuinely nasty comment that she took the way many of us did (that it was about the fact you'll still be around when she dies) and instead of saying "oh shit ok I didn't mean it like that, but I can see now it might have come across that way" you responded to people by accusing her of that reaction being self centred.

You're massively projecting the fact you dislike her into every interaction you have. It's toxic and not good for you.

It’s not pretending. It’s a majority opinion based on the information given in the OP’s posts. Or are we all wrong ?

This is me guessing, but perhaps it's because sometimes you want to sit and have a cup of tea and a chat with your partner before the day starts – or go back to bed! – but instead he's dashing out the door to go to hers. Because if he doesn't go she gives him grief about it. Because you've asked him on occasion not to go and he insists he has to, putting her needs before yours. Because know it probably won't change when you have kids. Because it's as irritating as fuck that it has to happen EVERY day.

You either acknowledge internally she is top dog or you end the relationship. You are both in a pissing contest, she will win.

I can see how many of her comments are irritating, but your comment that you "will be the last" woman in his life was unnecessary and spiteful. It clearly refers to a point in time when you believe she will be dead. Who wouldn't be hurt by that!?

For that you should apologise because you really went too far.