Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

OP some of us get it. But honestly you won't win.

I would be after a man who makes his mother lunch, because that tells he was raised properly. And that's a man to have children with. Not one who goes around to get his snacks made.

How is the MIL crossing boundaries here?

I think you should both just apologise to each other and move on 🤷‍♀️.. your both as bad as each other, you started it, she escalated it.. ended with both by saying pointless and harsh comments to each other, everyone saying your partner must be “loving it” I doubt it, I actually feel sorry for him! Must be awful being stuck in the middle all the time.

just both say sorry and leave it at that.

Why should she apologise to you, when not only did you start the confrontation, but you made a nasty and calculated comment about her future demise ? And, having just read all of your subsequent posts, I’m sorry but you appear not to want to co-exist peacefully with your MiL - and despite your comment to the contrary, it clearly is a problem for you. It’s not down to your DP to find a solution, and by passing this off to him to solve, you’re deliberately trying to drive a wedge between him and his mum. You sound really unpleasant and petty.

You started it with your eye rolling and nasty remarks. She said she was the first woman in his life after all that.

You need to laugh all this off and let it wash by you rather than saying cruel things. She makes him a packed lunch? - tell her that is kind.

I am a widow - I live on my own - I love to do kindnesses for my AC when I can. Until you find yourself in this position you have no idea how very hard it is and how women like me spend their lives putting on a brave face so as not to upset others. - almost apologising for existing. It is hell. Once we, like you, were central to our family's life - now we are peripheral. Now don't misunderstand me - that is life and I accept it and do not try to make it otherwise or blame any9ne for this. I lead a busy life and fill it with things I enjoy, and things that are useful to my community - but believe me it is no substitute for having a real role.

Have some compassion and kindness. She has done nothing wrong. One day, this will be you .........

Jeez, I wouldn’t want to cross your path OP. That was incredibly insensitive of you.

Just WOW.

You're a nightmare.

The thing is though OP, you've chosen to share your life with a man who is comfortable with this dynamic he has with his mum. It's not going to change and you now know what that dynamic is. So your options really are to either accept the dynamic or leave him. It doesn't sound like you want to leave him.

She makes him lunch.
He likes that she makes him lunch.
She likes that he likes that she makes him lunch.

So let them get on with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Making a snippy comment to her about her doing so was you starting the friction. That's where this incident started. If you'd have not made a sarcy comment about her making him lunch (which they're both happy with and doesn't affect you at all) then this incident wouldn't have happened.

You sound bitter and quite unkind to be honest, yes MIL might have upset you but it doesn't mean that you should have made it worse with them cruel comments, you need to apologise for that

Didntmeanto6 · Today 11:28
Also many people here saying "oh well BE CAREFUL because with this attitude he might leave you".

If that's what happens over this then I'm okay with that. Maybe he can move in with MIL and she can be happy that she has her adult son at home as a pet”

Sounds like you’re taking your anger at him out on his mother. It’s strange to be so jealous of a close parent/child relationship (age is irrelevant, your child is always your child).

you're getting a hard time here @Didntmeanto6 I don't think that it shows you are a bad person that you snapped after years of this competitive nonsense.

I think it's sensible to be asking yourself ''is this man worth it?''. I think it's good that you're not so determined to never ever end it that you'll put up with a competitive mil. Normally this would be commended on MN, but you're being judged a ''bad person'' because you snapped back once. Totally unrealistic imo. I ''snapped back'' at my xmil too, 7 years of being treated like a doormat fool by her, yupp, I told her what I thought of her before I left her son.

@Anxioys
Oooh that's a great point re making your mother food not the other way around!

Maybe for a month I will give him a dish to take around to her house every day, to make sure she is well fed..

But she was in his life before you! She's his mum, so she occupies a unique and v. v. important role in his life. That's simply fact.

I think you just don't like her and are looking to take offence no matter what she says.

From the outside looking in, YABU. It sounds like she’s guilty of being a bit overbearing and mollycoddling her son but it’s not hurting anyone and if it brings her comfort to fuss over him, what’s wrong with that? It’s probably her way of showing she cares. Granted, it may be irritating for you but your reaction was harsh and cold.

Think how you’d feel if you had a son whose partner openly resented you trying to do nice (if unnecessary) things for him. You’ve been his mum for 43 years and a partner comes along in the last few years and starts dictating how you should conduct your mother-son relationship.

The fact she’s bereaved is also significant here - a little sensitivity is needed.

I would be after a man who makes his mother lunch

Good point!

Well, you don't sound like you like or respect your partner very much, why don't you cut your losses and walk? It sounds like you'd be doing all of you a favour.

That’s not what she said. She posted that MiL ‘sometimes makes him a packed lunch’. She’s his mum and she likes to look after him - it’s a nice gesture and it’s not suggestive that that’s the only reason he goes to see her, or that it happens all the time. MiL also lost her husband so maybe has no other opportunity for caring gestures - this could be a factor.

Is this in another country?

Tune out all the attempts to shame you for having a reaction to her competitiveness. just ask yourself one question, is he worth it? maybe he is, but if he's not worth it, that doesn't make you ''a nightmare''.

Very few women who leave their exes give them a glowing character reference. If the relationship ends, the reason will be (from your pOV) that he was too enmeshed with his mother. That's your perspective and you're entitled to it. Nobody has to plough on.

@Didntmeanto6 Yes she does tell me and DP she cooks when we are there because she 'wants too' and 'this is what I do because I love you' is what she says whenever we tell her she doesn't need to make a goody bag like we are 5 going on a school trip. Especially as we know she hobbles to the shop to buy our favourite foods in advance of us coming down. We've even tried to surprise her with visits but she always will insist.

She doesn't need to insinuate she's more important because she knows I not only think the world of her but she'll always be first. DP has always known I've been close to my Nan as she raised me and I do a lot for her even with distance. He respects this because when the time comes where she will pass, given her age factored in and her recent health, he will be my support to get through. If he every caused a rift or made things difficult in these last few years I'd never forgive him.

Your MILs comments could be short or come across as overbearing because she is lonely. Have you thought about instead of being angry or whatever it is your feeling towards her and your partner's relationship you look at helping her find her own independence again since her husband died? There's various groups - Red Hats, Widows Club, Round Table - to name a few which will help realise there's more than just your husbands visits to look forward to.

The fact that he appears to make the effort to see his mum most days counts for nothing then ?

While I still think you're finding excuses to take offence at what she says, if my DP spent every morning round at his mum's I would find it hugely annoying, even if it was just for half an hour. It must impact on you, especially if he does it at weekends too. What's going to happen if you have kids? He's going to leave you shovelling in baby rice while he goes round there for breakfast?

If you make digs like that at his mum and make her cry you probably won't be the last woman in his life.

Because she makes him lunch. He could be making her lunch while he's there. That would be nice of him.