Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

OP sounds awful. I hope this is not for real.

What fresh hell @Hooplahooping is 'the language of psychology and self actualisation' that women with adult sons apparantly grew up without?
Can you spell it out please, because despite being a MiL since my 40s, so the same generation as a lot of the DiLs on MN, I haven't the first clue what you're talking about.

She made him lunch. Touch a nerve did it because you don’t?

Did you mean this to sound so hand maiden like?

You asked for opinions but it seems you have made up your mind that you are right and she is wrong , end of .

personally I don’t see any problem with her still loving her son and doing things for him . She won’t be around for ever and he is obviously happy with the arrangement . You expect her to respect your attitude to your partnership but still have no respect for her relationship with her son .

it is not easy being a mother in law and this may come back to haunt you when you are in her position .

I think personally IMO you were rude and probably just should have had a bit more empathy for her position .

Reading all of your posts I think the reason you find it annoying is because you are a very jealous person who wants everything in your partners life to revolve around you and not include MIL.
Plenty of women are close to their mothers and sisters and see them every day and their partners rarely have a problem with it. And if their partners did have a problem with it everybody on here would be shouting ‘red flag’ and ‘he must be controlling’, this in no different. You are the one with the problem, not your MIL. It’s very sexist that women are ‘allowed’ to be close to their mothers and sons are not.
This situation is causing you no harm. If she was encouraging him to leave you or saying nasty things about you or summoning your partner every 5 minutes you would have a point. But this is just a lonely woman brightening up her mornings making her son a packed lunch and probably giving your partner nostalgia.

I find the paradox of women spending loads of time with their mums fine but men doing it being considered weird very interesting. Anyway…..

I’m 40 and if I happen to see my Mum before work she’ll make me a packed lunch. She likes looking after people and as a full time working mother myself, sometimes it’s nice to feel looked after. Plus, her sandwiches are better than mine 😆

Sounds like he married a woman just like his mother.

I would expect there has been a huge amount leading up to this one, unfortunate event. Whether it was badly worded or not, the OP is fed up being sniped at.

There are two issues here:-

1. Is the intention of MIL to snipe? Sometimes people can be thoughtless and not realise the impact of their words. Only the OP can decide.
2. It isn't likely to ever change, so the OP needs to find a way of dealing with it.

OP - she can't get your goat if she doesn't know where you tie it up. It sounds to me like there is a distinct possibility of intention to wind you up and you are fuelling it by showing it annoys you.

Very well put. We are often in a position where we bend over backwards not to interfere and then get told we don’t help enough . Being a MIL is a lose lose situation.

this may come back to haunt you when you are in her position

No because as the mother of an adult I wouldn't make them lunch, I wouldn't send them home with dinners and I wouldn't tell my DIL I was the first woman in their life because
A) it's creepy and
B) I will probably be continuing to work or will be retired and volunteering and would put my main energy in that

Oh come on. Any woman would be irritated if their DP went trotting round to his mum's EVERY morning come what may, widowed or not. In fact, if that was all OP had complained about in her original post, everyone would've been on her side, guaranteed.

Didntmeanto6 · Today 11:50
@DriftingDora
Why did you bother replying if it makes you so bored?

Because I enjoy reading the innovative and deeply insightful replies from people like you.

TBH, you both sound as weird and rude as each other.

I suggest both of you keep your distance from each other.

I think you handled that quite well to be honest Op! If there’s a history it’s hardly like OP has randomly made an unwarranted bitchy comment. Very weird of her to refer to being “the first woman in his life”. She sounds like she’s got some odd perceptions.

I'd be thrilled someone else was doing the packed lunch.
Let her have some joy by providing for her son.
Does it really matter?

No they wouldn’t. Some women would be delighted that he cared about his mum. I certainly would.

You sound like a pair of six year olds. Face it, you both have different relationships with this man, neither of you is right, but neither of you is wrong, and neither of you will ever win the argument, it must be very tedious for those around you to have to listen to this petty point scoring. One of you at least needs to start acting like a grown up.

YOU were the one who started the confrontation with your sarky comment about his packed lunch. Wtf is it to you if she makes him a lunch sometimes? You should apologise and stop being a dick to his mum.

@peasandpetals
I'd be thrilled someone else was doing the packed lunch
Why would I be thrilled, this isn't my job, she isn't taking a task for me and making it easier? Why doesn't she come to my house and hoover my floors, then maybe I could be thrilled

Look, as you have confirmed here, your issue is your DP not his mum. What is a grown man accepting dishes to simply put in the oven from HIS mum. My mother is nearly 90 and does like to still give me stuff as her child, I accept some and insist big things like packed lunches etc you have listed here are not necessary. Does HE not see this constant favours from HIS mum whilst he has a wife is frustrating for you as you have now come out gun blazing fighting MIL?

How old is your DP, you need to dump him as he clearly needs to be baby sat. My married brothers can perfectly cook their own meals from scratch without mum preparing dishes for them to take to their houses, in case they get hungry.

yes, MIL is enjoying this mess of her DS and her opportunity at frustrating you because he won't man up. Will you leave him OP or will you rather fight MIL till your last bullet is spent?! What a mess!

But that's the implication that if the mum doesn't do it, OP is supposed to be doing it, surely?

And he's a full grown man. He doesn't need waiting on. He can make his own packed lunch.

You started the argument, you’re the instigator! Why did you question the packed lunch? If your DP doesn’t want it, he can say.

honestly two grown women fighting over a man, you sound ridiculous!

But why does this effect you at all?
She wants to. He's happy to have it. It literally has nothing to do with you.

I don’t think the OP reads like that!

The reason to not like her behaviour is not just competitiveness but the template your partner has.

The most obvious evidence of what a man expects or wants in a long term partner is what he has seen from his parents. As a child, his mother properly cared for him. But as an adult this isn't a mature behaviour by either of them because of the frequency of contact. Obviously we make gestures of love to our families but, and it is a big but, this is kind of dependency that should have stopped quite a long time ago.

Your MIL probably fears becoming irrelevant in her son's life and so clings to these things and gestures. But it's too ritualized to be healthy.

Your DP will also expect you to meet the same behaviours as MIL if you have kids. So if you don't like what she does or what she has become, you need to think carefully because that is likely you in years to come.

Women should always look carefully at the family set up when marrying in. You will save yourself a lot of angst if you see things that you recognize and approve of. Because you will match the family culture; if you don't match then don't assume you can change a family dynamic. You can't.