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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Made MIL cry?!

818 replies

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:16

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 11:16

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 11:06

Thanks to those supporting me and even those who are against me, I do see sense in what you're saying. But as others have mentioned, it's not really about this one occasion, but many years of these bitchy little comments she will make and acts of manipulation.
There is no way I am apologising, I texted DP to say that I expect her to apologise and he said "you know I can't make that happen". I just told him now that this is his problem to find a solution for because it's not a problem for me

Maybe it would be better to just ignore any digs she makes to you. I know that might seem unfair but she’s his mother, he’s not going to be ‘breaking up’ with her or divorcing her, she’s in his life for the rest of her life. If this war between you can’t be settled with peace talks then it’s best to just not engage with the jibes. You know what she’s like and she’s here to stay, so best to just rise above it. You may not like it but she is the solidly permanent fixture in his life not you (no matter how good your relationship with DP is). Best to keep things civil no matter how begrudging.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 11:16

@Trianglesandcircles1
Wow thank you, your comment is a lot to think about.
Separately, look deeply at what exactly you don't like about his relationship with his mother

I really want to reflect on this. Right now I'm not sure what exactly it is.

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 12/08/2023 11:17

JustKeepSw1mming · 12/08/2023 10:39

You might appreciate her coming around with a cooked dinner when you have a child 😂

It will be too late by then, OP will have successfully cut her husband off from his family.

Tourmalines · 12/08/2023 11:17

I’m sure she would have some words to say about you to . You clash so much because you are alike probably. You sound like a horrid DIL .

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 11:17

CurlewKate · 12/08/2023 11:13

@2pence He would know if I was messing up THEIR meal planning.

They have a freezer.

And yes, I know what they both like.

But if you think I should I will stop doing it at once. What do you suggest I say?

I think that was sarcastic but please on behalf of them don't stop!

Dentistlakes · 12/08/2023 11:18

Wow, what a horrible spiteful thing to say op. Are you always so nasty?

OCDmama · 12/08/2023 11:18

You sound awful OP. Truly nasty if I'm honest.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 11:19

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:26

@Cap89
I didn't even consider I was referring to her future death! I just thought I would give her what she gives me, because why not? To me she is looking for confrontation with many of her comments, so what should I do, just sit there?

But in this case you seem to be the one picking the confrontation over the packed lunches. He may be your DP but he’s still her son, so what’s the harm in her doing him a packed lunch sometimes. -it’s a nice gesture and probably more nutritious than anything he could pick up in a shop. The fact that you’re his partner doesn’t stop her being his mother it’s not a competition.

You were mocking her with the milk comment and that put her on the defensive, and your comeback about you being the last woman in her sons’ life was a low blow - not to mention an assumption considering we never know what’s round the corner.

Sorry but you do seem to be looking for confrontation just as much as you say she does, so maybe back off a bit and let her do nice things for her son without picking fault. You might find your relationship with her improves if you’re not constantly putting her in a position where she feels she needs to defend herself.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/08/2023 11:20

Topee · Today 11:03
You started it and were downright nasty.

If I were your husband I would be really upset with you.”

This.

Lovegood · 12/08/2023 11:20

I can't believe you expect her to apologise to you.

We always hear about crap MIL's on here but you are definitely a crap DIL instead.

You just sound like you're seeking confrontation, and in a horrible way too.

5128gap · 12/08/2023 11:20

2pence · 12/08/2023 11:10

You may well be messing up her meal plan. Why not check first? I hate throwing spoiled food away, particularly if I've taken stuff out the freezer the day before.

Also, are you sending food you know she likes?

Show quote history

Lol. Of all the reaches I've seen to demonise MiLs that has to be the furthest.
My MiL messes up my meal plan by sending us dinner... Because no one can freeze food, or make a small alteration to the weekly menu to accommodate a free meal? What a way to live.

Back2front · 12/08/2023 11:20

Your responses were inflammatory. Be a bigger person

ssd · 12/08/2023 11:21

Did ye ayeHmm

Twiglets1 · 12/08/2023 11:21

She sounds awful.

My MIL also cries at the drop of a hat (yet is very critical and outspoken herself). I find it highly manipulative but it washes right over me now (and her own children, tbh as everyone is sick of her crocodile tears).

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 11:21

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 11:10

What would you do if it was reversed?

Say if you have a dad and he has always liked doing something for you, like checking your tires on your car, and it's your tradition when you see him. And your dp told your dad you should do that yourself you're a grown up and then when he said I do it because I love her, dp make a sarcastic comment about what else he does for you and your dad was hurt. Would you want to build a life with sometime who can be so vile?

As I said earlier, perhaps you don't have parents who are as nurturing as your almost in laws are to your dp and there is some underlying jealousy here?

Show quote history

👏🏻 excellent example.

Fuckthatguy · 12/08/2023 11:24

HRTFT

Two peas in a pod and I don’t mean that unkindly.

Apologise to her (even if you don’t think you should), to keep the peace and accept that your husband and MIL have the bond they do, trying to come between that is hiding to nowhere OP.

hereistopositiveenergy · 12/08/2023 11:24

I think your comment was very insensitive and uncalled for.

It's your DPs choice to see his mum daily and obviously enjoys seeing her every morning likewise, she looks forward to it given she is then likely in the house all day on her own. So what she makes him packed lunch.

I ring my Nan every single day without fail for a 30 mins minimum phone conversation because firstly, she's my nan and I want to and secondly, I know she looks forward to our daily call. If I didn't now live 200 miles away from her I would be visiting daily like I was before DP & I moved. If I can't ring her - for example I was in hospital recently with reduced movements - he rings her. When we visit, she's a feeder and loves making him a full banquet of lunch and a snack bag for the journey home. Gosh if he ever spoke to her like you have your MIL or tried telling me not to speak/see her daily I would be absolutely livid.

You may be his 'last woman' as you put it but remember you're only there due to a marriage certificate. She's there because she's blood. Stop being so bitter, spiteful and jealous.

bringbackthe80s · 12/08/2023 11:24

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Honeychickpea · 12/08/2023 11:25

Sigh. Another of those jostling for position over mil posts. Grow up.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/08/2023 11:25

Greenwitchhorse

”Your partner is at fault here too as he should have put his foot down a long time ago and reminded his mother he is no longer a child but a married man who puts his own family first.”

They’re not married?

He wants to see her. If I wanted to see a widowed parent often, no one would be telling me I couldn’t.

monsteramunch · 12/08/2023 11:25

@2pence

You may well be messing up her meal plan. Why not check first? I hate throwing spoiled food away, particularly if I've taken stuff out the freezer the day before.

"Her" meal plan?

She might not be in charge of food shopping and cooking just because she's female, you know!

Sueveneers · 12/08/2023 11:26

Whinge · 12/08/2023 11:08

I just told him now that this is his problem to find a solution for because it's not a problem for me

You do realise that the solution he's likely to choose is leaving you...

Considering the abuse the MIL dishes out to OP, that may be the best for OP. I wouldn't want to be with a mummys boy who has a spiteful, nasty and manipulative mother. OP would be better off out of it.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 11:27

@hereistopositiveenergy
That's great, and does your nan tell your DP that she was in your life before him (insinuating she is more important to you than him)? Does she explain that she cooks food for you because SHE loves you?

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 11:27

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:31

@Sparklfairy
Why should I just roll my eyes? She is the one who started down this path. I don't believe just because she's his mother I need to listen to:

  • her insinuating I'm a bad woman for not making this adult man a lunch
  • her insinuating she loves him more

...without responding

Sure she was insinuating and you just weren't looking to take offence?

On a side note, does he live at home with her? How come he's there every morning? That would bother me more than her making the odd sandwich, because that indicates a DP problem, not a MIL one.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 11:28

Also many people here saying "oh well BE CAREFUL because with this attitude he might leave you".

If that's what happens over this then I'm okay with that. Maybe he can move in with MIL and she can be happy that she has her adult son at home as a pet

OP posts:
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