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AIBU?

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Original poster

Made MIL cry?!

818 replies

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:16

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 12/08/2023 11:08

I'd be ripping the piss about the mummy's boy I was with instead tbh - to him, not her. Anytime he asked me to do something I didn't want to, oh your mummy will do it for you etcWink

butyou escalated things with MIL. How did you think it was going to end? One of you were probably going to end up crying if you both kept upping the ante.

Personally, I left that shit in the playground. She's not going to change because you came for her. She'll probably get worse so she can get upset again and make you out to be the bad guy.

And BTW, mummy's boys never change either. If you keep upsetting his mother instead of other approaches, you'll force him to choose between you. And he WILL choose her.

Oysterbabe · 12/08/2023 11:08

What a cold and nasty thing to say. I would have thought you meant she'll be dead before you too.
You started the fight by trying to belittle her because she enjoys doing things for her son.
You should apologise.

Whinge · 12/08/2023 11:08

I just told him now that this is his problem to find a solution for because it's not a problem for me

You do realise that the solution he's likely to choose is leaving you...

xXJoy · 12/08/2023 11:08

Apologies are pointless imo. What both parties want is to be understood and acknowledged.

You need to do is understand that she feels she is in competition with you. She should understand that she's entering both of you in to a competition you don't want to enter. It's weird, for both of you surely.

Trianglesandcircles1 · 12/08/2023 11:09

"I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch"
This is how it started - why did you feel the need to address this with her? If you have an issue with the situation, talk to him. I would get the ick with a man who allows himself to be babied by his mother, but it is him you should talk to.

"she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me)"
She understandably got defensive, so went on the attack

"I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?"
You escalated it further instead of de-escalating and walking away. Why did her comment get to you - why is this such a raw nerve for you? Do you doubt how much DH loves you? Do you see her as a rival for his time and affection?

"and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life"
She escalates yet further in response to your attack. She is also showing her rather warped attitude to him: over-possessive and unable to let go.

and I said "true but I will be the last".
Witty, but also too mean.

Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Unsurprising given how the argument ended.

Advice: don't get into petty squabbles with MIL as it just makes you look bad when she gets upset.

Separately, look deeply at what exactly you don't like about his relationship with his mother. Is it that you don't like him behaving like a child around her? Are you fed up with the amount of his time she takes up if she is going round there every day? Or are you irrationally jealous that he spends time with another woman? Would you feel differently if it was his father that he was spending so much time with?
Talk to him about it, not her.

blahblahblah1654 · 12/08/2023 11:09

Bloody hell you expect her to apologise but don't think you've done anything wrong?

Defiantjazz · 12/08/2023 11:09

I am going to guess however that she has relatively little in her life other than her children.

yes, that’s what I was thinking.

mbosnz · 12/08/2023 11:09

I think you both sound a bit silly, wrangling over your partner/her son like he's a juicy bone.

Don't engage with such silly nonsense.

pictoosh · 12/08/2023 11:09

I don't think what you said was awful. I quite like it, snappy comeback. But as you see, this has been turned into a hand-wringing performance in which you are the villain. She'll be enjoying that. If you treated her comments with indifference she'd hate that much more.

2pence · 12/08/2023 11:10

CurlewKate · 12/08/2023 11:01

When my son comes to visit, I tend to give him something to take home for dinner. Now he lives with his girlfriend I send some for her too. I hope she isn't secretly hating me for it!!

You may well be messing up her meal plan. Why not check first? I hate throwing spoiled food away, particularly if I've taken stuff out the freezer the day before.

Also, are you sending food you know she likes?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 11:10

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 11:06

Thanks to those supporting me and even those who are against me, I do see sense in what you're saying. But as others have mentioned, it's not really about this one occasion, but many years of these bitchy little comments she will make and acts of manipulation.
There is no way I am apologising, I texted DP to say that I expect her to apologise and he said "you know I can't make that happen". I just told him now that this is his problem to find a solution for because it's not a problem for me

What would you do if it was reversed?

Say if you have a dad and he has always liked doing something for you, like checking your tires on your car, and it's your tradition when you see him. And your dp told your dad you should do that yourself you're a grown up and then when he said I do it because I love her, dp make a sarcastic comment about what else he does for you and your dad was hurt. Would you want to build a life with sometime who can be so vile?

As I said earlier, perhaps you don't have parents who are as nurturing as your almost in laws are to your dp and there is some underlying jealousy here?

Anxioys · 12/08/2023 11:10

She sounds like she has a small life and a small mind. If she has done little else but raise children this stuff like sandwich making assumes a ridiculous importance that a more mature person (and I don't mean age) would not engage in. These are silly games by a silly woman, who has finally had it served back to her.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 11:10

@WandaWonder
Yes that is very accurate, you're right. He does a lot for her and I respect that, in some ways he has replaced his father, he does so much to improve her home and care for her, and she is very caring to him. I like and respect that about them. I'm just saying I should be respected too, so no bullshit little comments about "I'm the first woman of his life" and "I love my son [unlike you, you evil woman]!"

Maybe SHE should be grateful she has a DIL who doesn't "mind" the man going to see his mother every day.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 12/08/2023 11:10

She's a PITA but you were unnecessarily cruel. Why basically state that you plan to force a wedge between them?
It's ridiculous that your DH sees her daily and also gets a packed lunch... but why are you even discussing that with her, rather than with him?

Moonshine160 · 12/08/2023 11:11

She does sound a bit overbearing but you sound really spiteful.

SlipSlidinAway · 12/08/2023 11:11

Say if you have a dad and he has always liked doing something for you, like checking your tires on your car, and it's your tradition when you see him. And your dp told your dad you should do that yourself you're a grown up and then when he said I do it because I love her, dp make a sarcastic comment about what else he does for you and your dad was hurt. Would you want to build a life with sometime who can be so vile?

^^ This

Cowlover89 · 12/08/2023 11:12

Yabu

xXJoy · 12/08/2023 11:12

I'd write her a little note to say that you know that she will always always be his mother and that that doesn't need to be defended. Tell her that you feel like you've been entered in to a competition with her, which is not what either of you want surely.

That acknowledges both positions but doesn't ''challenge'' excessively. It's not an apology (as I agree, don't think that an apology will resolve things anyway).

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 11:12

Whinge · 12/08/2023 11:08

I just told him now that this is his problem to find a solution for because it's not a problem for me

You do realise that the solution he's likely to choose is leaving you...

I agree it's a very arrogant reply thst ignores his feelings

pictoosh · 12/08/2023 11:13

"Maybe SHE should be grateful she has a DIL who doesn't "mind" the man going to see his mother every day."

With all due respect who gives a toot whether you mind or not? His mum, his relationship...not for you to dictate. She certainly doesn't have to be grateful to YOU. Don't be so full of yourself.

CurlewKate · 12/08/2023 11:13

@2pence He would know if I was messing up THEIR meal planning.

They have a freezer.

And yes, I know what they both like.

But if you think I should I will stop doing it at once. What do you suggest I say?

SlipSlidinAway · 12/08/2023 11:15

You may well be messing up her meal plan. Why not check first? I hate throwing spoiled food away, particularly if I've taken stuff out the freezer the day before.

Her meal plan?!! Big assumption there.

5128gap · 12/08/2023 11:15

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 11:06

Thanks to those supporting me and even those who are against me, I do see sense in what you're saying. But as others have mentioned, it's not really about this one occasion, but many years of these bitchy little comments she will make and acts of manipulation.
There is no way I am apologising, I texted DP to say that I expect her to apologise and he said "you know I can't make that happen". I just told him now that this is his problem to find a solution for because it's not a problem for me

Are you sure this is the hill you want to die on OP? From the outside this sounds very nasty on your part. Many of us feel sorry for her and she's not our mum. Your partner loves this woman. So I cant imagine he's jumping for joy you upset her, as the majority of impartial strangers on here can see that you did.
Most people do not take well to people hurting those they love and then doubling down even when it's been explained why what they said was out of order.
I get you see this as part of a bigger picture, but with this incident you've lost any moral high ground you might have had, and your partner will probably take it with a pinch of salt in future when you might have genuine issues.

Plumbear2 · 12/08/2023 11:16

You're not a mother, and certainly not a mother of boys. I have adult sons and teen sons. I am very close to all of them. If a partner had a problem with him hugging them or making them food there would be a problem. I am their mother and allowed to show affection. Their partners understand that my relationship to them is completely different to theirs and is not a threat.

Greenwitchhorse · 12/08/2023 11:16

OP, just ignore most the daft responses you are getting that are putting the blame on you.

This is jus what manipulative people do: create conflict, do unreasonable things and then pass themselves as the victim by putting on the waterworks when someone has the guts to call them out...

Your partner is at fault here too as he should have put his foot down a long time ago and reminded his mother he is no longer a child but a married man who puts his own family first.

Instead he sounds like he has an enmeshed, unhealthy relationship with her.

Frankly I would have got rid of the two of them a long time ago...can't stand manipulative mothers and weak husbands.