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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Made MIL cry?!

818 replies

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:16

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

OP posts:
cocoloco117 · 12/08/2023 11:01

Weird that everyone’s making a big deal about the occasional lunch making but not the fact the little man has to go and see his mummy every day.

Sueveneers · 12/08/2023 11:01

OP I've read all your posts on this thread and I 'get it', even if others don't. She sounds very spiteful and manipulative. I get why you responded that way, and I would have, too. She needs putting in her place, and I think it sounds like it was long overdue she got what she dished out back. Don't fall for her crocodile tears, and don't apologise. You've don't nothing wrong but respond in kind to a very goady, nasty, spiteful b-ch.

FigTreeInEurope · 12/08/2023 11:02

Straw that broke the camels back I expect. I've heard my MIL say "A man chooses the wife, but God chooses his mother". If you want to placate that level of intrusive power wrangling, good luck. Firm boundaries, rigidly enforced, ignor the drama. Get it clear before you have kids. She probably begrugingly respects you for it. Being popular, and respected are not the same.

category12 · 12/08/2023 11:02

You can either fight with her or zone out from her irritating remarks.

I'd spend very little time with her, and stop buying into the tug of war over the bloke. You don't have to go to every argument you're invited to.

ClementWeatherToday · 12/08/2023 11:02

I'm with you, OP. I took your comment to mean that she may well be his mother (who was the most important woman to him when he was a child) but you're his life partner (the most important woman to him as an adult).

But she'll always be a nightmare. As per the Mumsnet trope, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem. Don't have children with him.

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 11:02

CurlewKate · 12/08/2023 11:01

When my son comes to visit, I tend to give him something to take home for dinner. Now he lives with his girlfriend I send some for her too. I hope she isn't secretly hating me for it!!

I would love you for it 🥰 you sound great!

Winter2020 · 12/08/2023 11:02

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:37

@Keepitrealnomists
No I don't have children but I'm thinking of it, we would definitely need to move if this was the case, I can only imagine the hell it would be

I think the MIL/DIL relationship is difficult as both want to be the matriarch/alpha female of their own family.

My MIL was well meaning and full of love for her son and the Grandchildren but I would get irritated with her fussing "Does he need a drink...."

Now she is very ill and I would love to have her back fussing over her family.

There aren't many people that will love your kids unconditionally but she is one.

cryinglaughing · 12/08/2023 11:02

Sounds an unnecessarily bitchy response.
Are you always yesterday prickly?

Mumof4plusbonus · 12/08/2023 11:02

Keep on like that and you won’t be his last if he has any sense. And I think anyone would take her death was meant out of that comment. It’s certainly what I thought when I read it.
You don’t have children yet so maybe you will feel differently when you do. Yes it sounds like she babies him but your children are always your children. It doesn’t mean she expects you to do it or is thinking less of you. We all indulge our children.

Eustaciavile · 12/08/2023 11:03

To be honest, all three of you sound a bit odd 😆
Two grown women competing for the love of one immature man.

redfacebigdisgrace · 12/08/2023 11:03

Ah as a mum of boys I can see both sides. Let her make him his lunch if it gives her pleasure and makes her feel good. As long as she’s ok in other ways I think. A little kindness and understanding here goes a long way. You’ll understand if you have sons.

pictoosh · 12/08/2023 11:03

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:31

@Sparklfairy
Why should I just roll my eyes? She is the one who started down this path. I don't believe just because she's his mother I need to listen to:

  • her insinuating I'm a bad woman for not making this adult man a lunch
  • her insinuating she loves him more

...without responding

Look, you're just playing right into her jealous hands, reacting to this shit and retaliating as if she's competition for you. She isn't. Stop fighting over him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 11:03

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 11:00

You’re two sides of the same coin. You’re both competing to be number one in his life, even if he’s not even putting you against each other. I have sons, I’m always going to be their mamma no matter how old they are. I wouldn’t be overbearing to DiL but I would make a packed lunch or whatever else but I’d be doing it because they’re my much loved son not because I’m trying to get one over the DiL.
I’ll never stop mothering (but hopefully not smothering) them, it’s deep in my soul.

I agree, and she's doing in in her OWN home
When her son chooses to visit her (perhaps he is visiting to get fed!)

WandaWonder · 12/08/2023 11:03

I am wondering if your husband would not be as attractive to you if he hated his mum?

Topee · 12/08/2023 11:03

You started it and were downright nasty.

If I were your husband I would be really upset with you.

Soontobe60 · 12/08/2023 11:04

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:41

Actually what I was trying to say about being last is that she should make space for the person who will potentially be with him in his old age, but if she took it to mean to be about her death...Well that's a typical self centered view from her

When I read it I took it to mean you’d be there after she died. What you said was awful. Just awful. Your ‘problem’ is that you’re actually jealous of the relationship your partner has with his mother. You’ve turned it into a competition. And now you’re saying you’d move away if you had a child so that she wouldn’t be able to see the child. Before you do actually conceive, make sure you tell your partner that you intend to not let your child see its grandmother. You may well find yourself single!

Whinge · 12/08/2023 11:05

8 years in, there's no children and you're not married... I can't see this relationship lasting. So despite wat you think there's a very good chance you won't be his last, especially if you continue to treat his mother like this.

dawngreen · 12/08/2023 11:05

I think that you were over thinking what she said to you. All parents like to make a fuss of their kids even when they are adults.

Davros · 12/08/2023 11:06

HeadacheEarthquake · 12/08/2023 10:34

Nah I think it was a great comeback

He sounds like a right mummy's boy though... gross

I agree with this. I don't think it's normal for a grown man to see his mummy every day and get a packed lunch. I think you were quite restrained!

MaryQueenofSocks · 12/08/2023 11:06

Hate to say it OP, but if your relationship comes down to a choice, you or her, he's going to choose her.

You can see that a mile off.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 11:06

Thanks to those supporting me and even those who are against me, I do see sense in what you're saying. But as others have mentioned, it's not really about this one occasion, but many years of these bitchy little comments she will make and acts of manipulation.
There is no way I am apologising, I texted DP to say that I expect her to apologise and he said "you know I can't make that happen". I just told him now that this is his problem to find a solution for because it's not a problem for me

OP posts:
xXJoy · 12/08/2023 11:06

It sounds very frustrating. Not surprised you lost your cool tbh

But you have different relationships with him. She wants to make him sandwiches, ok.
Presumably you have a real relationship with him. Do you communicate with him? Is he worth it?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 11:06

dawngreen · 12/08/2023 11:05

I think that you were over thinking what she said to you. All parents like to make a fuss of their kids even when they are adults.

Yes. Just because you have a feeling doesn't mean the person was trying to make you feel that way.

SlipSlidinAway · 12/08/2023 11:06

Not sure why people are saying he is immature for accepting the occasional packed lunch from his mum. Maybe he's just a really nice person who can see it gives his mum pleasure to do things for him and this is a small way she can show how much he cares. And he can help her still feel useful.

They both benefit from this happening. Should he tell his dm to stop just because op thinks he's being babied? Or should he stick up for himself and his dm?

5128gap · 12/08/2023 11:07

CurlewKate · 12/08/2023 11:01

When my son comes to visit, I tend to give him something to take home for dinner. Now he lives with his girlfriend I send some for her too. I hope she isn't secretly hating me for it!!

I do this too! My lovely DiL is so appreciative, I've started prioritising her favourite foods over DSs. Who will tbf eat anything.

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