Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

There’s obviously no love lost between the two of you but you are being very harsh to her. So what if she makes her son a sandwich, she’s been doing it for 43 years and it’s probably a routine for her. Why are you trying to control your DP

If you dislike her so much why are you even calling her your MIL - you’re not married to her son.

Op I don't think it was her looking for an argument she just said she makes him lunch sometimes and that triggered you. You then started criticizing her saying he's old enough to make his own, she felt she had to defend what she does and you made the nasty milk comment. Just let her be proud of feeding her but it's a primal mother thing. She never SAID you should be feeding him. She likes feeding him and he likes eating what she makes.

I definitely think you should apologize for that comment and maybe be humble and open and admit that I'm sorry I took it as criticism that I don't cook enough for him and felt defensive,, but I know on reflection that's not what you said, it's what I felt you meant.

I also don't think you should move far away when you have kids she'd be a great help and you'll love her bringing meals over when you have a newborn and no time to cook!

@RedHelenB
But she doesn't treat it like they are both valued.

One time we (me and DP) had a big fight before we went to her house for lunch and when we walked in he went to sit on a corner, she asked me what happened and I told her oh nothing, we just argued but it's fine. So then guess what? She ran over to him and began kissing his cheeks and hugging him. It was crazy.

What if her cooking is shit though?

You started it with your snippy comment about warming his milk for him. Making hi lunch isn’t looking for an argument, it’s doing a nice thing.

And you’re clearly looking for an argument on here.

And there’s no guarantee you’ll be the last woman in his life….

But would you make nasty critical comments to his mum about it, in her own home?

She made him lunch, what's the problem with that? She is his mother. I'm 50 my mum sometimes makes me lunch, I have grown up kids I sometimes make them lunch. When my teens are grown I will no doubt sometimes make them lunch. Woe betide anyone who tells me not to

You both sound equally mean and petty.

I wouldn’t have taken offence at what she said about loving her son, or thought she was implying that you didn’t? I’d have just laughed at the ridiculousness of her making an adult man lunch and moved on. I think it’s weird you two fighting over him like that. I don’t see my MIL as a threat or competition? It’s like a totally different relationship! There’s space for you both in his life, why argue?!

I hug my friend up kids. Is is allowed you know

She sounds a total pain in the neck. But you will never win in this situation. Have as little to do with her as possible. It simply isnt worth engaging as you will end up the villain as happened here.

I know! My mum still sometimes gives me cup up apples on a plate it's so cute. I will do the same for my little boy even when he's 75 if I'm still here!

If I had a boyfriend that made a sarcastic remark about the apples, to my mum, I would put him straight in the bin!

This. You started it. So what she makes him lunch. Why the bitchy comment about milk?

She responded appropriately to your nastiness and then you took it too far.

She would annoy me too but at least you save money by her feeding him. Probably I would have said something too but not mention being the last woman. If you don't get along with her just try to see her as little as possible.

I'm going to buck the trend on here and say that people treat you the way you let them.

Lots of people, including your MIL, take people doing things differently from them to mean that you think their way is wrong, feel insulted and then lash out to challenge.

She started it. You finished it. She knows you'll meet fire with fire now so may well adjust her behaviour in future.

Sometimes turning a question back on the person is enough (without going too low). My response to my MIL's query about whether I "liked my hair like that?" was "yes, do you like yours like THAT?" so no escalation but simply serving back what you get.

If she apologises too, for the sake of peace, perhaps you should as well.

When you say 'go for an argument' you mean answer you back when you chose to tell her off for making his lunch. You massively overstepped OP. It's none of your business if she makes his sandwiches as its between him and her. She responded by telling you she loves him. Which you chose to go into a huff about and see as criticism of you.
You sound like someone who likes your own way and takes a pride in 'winning' arguments. Well your barb cut deeper than hers and made her cry, so well done you.
In your shoes though I'd seriously think of the long game here. Scoring childish points by being nastier than his mother is is not going to result in your long term happiness with this man.

You sound like the DIL from hell.
You are trying to find problems where there aren’t any.
She enjoys making her son food, so what?
Her husband has died, and you implied she will be next.
You sound jealous and petty. She isn’t doing anything to hurt you.

Op can I also ask what your parents are like are they less nurturing to you? Do you think there is perhaps some jealously here?

Maybe you won't be the last woman in his life if you've been together 8 years and he hasn't proposed to you. You sound very mean

So the woman’s lost her husband and is probably missing having someone to “look after” so she makes up her son’s lunch..and you have a go at her for it. Nice, very nice 👌🏻

You’re two sides of the same coin. You’re both competing to be number one in his life, even if he’s not even putting you against each other. I have sons, I’m always going to be their mamma no matter how old they are. I wouldn’t be overbearing to DiL but I would make a packed lunch or whatever else but I’d be doing it because they’re my much loved son not because I’m trying to get one over the DiL.
I’ll never stop mothering (but hopefully not smothering) them, it’s deep in my soul.

If i were you I’d apologise it doesn’t matter what your intentions were at the end of the day you’ve upset her and the decent thing to do would be to apologise. When she makes him lunch be thankful you don’t have to and if she makes you feel bad for not doing it just say that why would I make him one when you make him such nice lunches. I know it’s difficult but you have to rise above. You could try to speak to your partner about how you’re feeling but honestly I don’t think it’s something to let your relationship break down over. Kill them with kindness it’s not bending you never know it might get easier.

Clearly a lot of people on this thread can also see the implied reference to your MIL's death. No wonder she got upset.

Why do you feel the need to control what goes on between her and her son? Why do you need to needle her with comments like warming her milk?

She enjoys making him a packed lunch. He presumably enjoys eating it. But you don't like it for some reason and want it to stop? Sounds like the very definition of controlling.

When my son comes to visit, I tend to give him something to take home for dinner. Now he lives with his girlfriend I send some for her too. I hope she isn't secretly hating me for it!!

She is ridiculous, and crying at 60 is really feeble over something like this.

I am going to guess however that she has relatively little in her life other than her children. That is of course her own tragedy, not yours.