Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

No honestly, I just think, not read the post, doesn’t know what they’re taking about, he’s their own agenda… ignore!

not silly at all!

Ahh another one of those “it’s wifeys job to cook”, it’s not, it’s both grown adults in the relationships job!

When will you realise it’s not 1930?

You think it’s women’s work to cook? Which is why you are backing the OP!

it’s not women’s work!

On the contrary, I read ALL of OP's posts. Every single one. And while it may be not literally every day, she clearly says the mil does it very frequently.

@MsRosley

Yes, I honestly believe that women who persist in frequently cooking for their married sons are trying to one-up the wife, not to mention infantilising their adult son.

'Oh look how much more I love him, how much better I care for him that you do.'

Fair enough if you think that.

I don't see it as my job to 'cook for' my partner, so don't see anyone else cooking him a meal as some sort of direct challenge or threat to me, anymore than it would be if my mum made me dinner every time I went to hers 🤷🏻‍♀️

In OP DP's case he helps his mum loads with stuff from what OP says, so isn't sitting on his arse being infantilised. He does lots of jobs for his mum and supports her. That's how he shows affection to her. She makes food for him to enjoy frequently. That's how she shows affection to him.

To be honest, it feels really sexist and outdated to view one woman in a man's life making him a meal as a challenge / insult to another woman in his life.

For god's sake, I am married and I don't do any cooking. I hate cooking. My DH makes all the evening meals, and I have toast for lunch. Stop imagining you know what I am like.

It doesn't matter whether the OP does the cooking or her DH cook, the mil clearly thinks it's her role to take care of her son. There's no way for the OP to win, is there? Either he cooks and she's seen as neglecting him, or OP cooks and this is being subverted by her mil making sure he's already full up - as OP clearly stated.

I thought one of the terms she used was “often”! It got ramped up when the post wasn’t going her way, as is often the case.

But never was it everyday, you made that up!

But why would OP care if her MIL thinks she’s neglectful?

Lol, as I said to @BlastedIce, I definitely don't see it as my job to cook for my partner. He does the cooking, but it would be very annoying if his mother kept feeding him. It would feel like an implied criticism.

I think food and meals carry a lot of emotional weight for women, and I very much doubt that OP's mil is doing this in all innocence. There would be a way of doing this that is more respectful to OP, and that is to show her gratitude by asking them both if she could do some cooking for them, and making sure that OP benefits as well. After all, all that time the son spends doing stuff for his mother is time he's spending away from his wife, time he could be spending doing things at home. Mil should be grateful to both of them.

You may have considered you were pushed to come out with your outburst but it was cruel and spiteful.

“Feeding him” like he’s a dog!

you really want to govern what your DH easts for lunch? He can get a £3 meal deal, that’s ok, but not take a lunch off his mum?

And you don’t think that’s controlling….

🚩

It doesn't matter whether the OP does the cooking or her DH cook, the mil clearly thinks it's her role to take care of her son. There's no way for the OP to win, is there? Either he cooks and she's seen as neglecting him, or OP cooks and this is being subverted by her mil making sure he's already full up - as OP clearly stated.

Why does she need to 'win'? What an exhausting way to live. If I found out my MIL thinks I don't 'care for' my partner enough on the cooking front then I would think how old fashioned it was for her to expect me to do so and continue to do what suits me and my partner which is doing stuff pretty evenly, depending on who is busier work wise etc.

OP's DP is a big boy, if he knows that eating will mean he's full and food at home will be wasted then he can use his big boy words and not eat it. And regardless OP says his mum sends him home with dishes, rather than full up from food she's served to him.

I think you're doubling down on making MIL the bad guy here and positioning her and OP as in a battle. If you genuinely think there's a battle, the best advice would be to drop the rope surely? Not keep trying to 'win' as you put it, when OP isn't getting any benefit from doing so.

@MsRosley

He does the cooking, but it would be very annoying if his mother kept feeding him. It would feel like an implied criticism.

I honestly think that feeling like that would be a 'you' problem though. I can't imagine taking that as an implied criticism personally. It sounds like the way you see food is very tied to emotions / validation. It's not like that for everyone.

Their freezer is full of food that MIL has made, so why isn’t that being grateful to OP?

They’re not eating it….. I wonder why!

You know, when I wrote 'win', I thought she'll seize on that - you didn't disappoint. I meant OP is in a no-win situation, as in damned if you do and damned if you don't. Not in an actual battle. eyeroll

I'm not going to respond to you and @BlastedIce any more because you're both clearly triggered and very committed to twisting every single word I say, and it's derailing OP's thread.

@MsRosley

Nope, not 'triggered', just disagreed with you and don't see the food issue as the big drama you position it as. I'm not even sure OP sees the food issue specifically as such a big drama tbh.

Have a good weekend anyway.

See are triggered!

Say’s the person who said eating carries a lot of emotional weight fir women!

😂

You were a bit of a dick there, OP. You let your frustration show and it's not a good look.

Step back from her for a bit, if she's pissing you off. You need to manage this better.

It's not unusual for Mothers to enjoy doing little things to spoil their sons! My 93 year old Grandma absolutely loves feeding/providing for my Uncles. It's clear that she gets real pleasure from it and, really, who is she hurting?!

Taking that from your MIL isn't a win for you.

She only made him some lunch, FFS!!

Ok I have commented before but anyway.... I do think the MIL sounds controlling potentially and I sympathise with that being OP's point of view, with the lunch conversation being just an example of things that get said. I'm not really sure why so many posters are denying OP's perception.

However, my point was, and is, similar to that others have made, that OP needs to manage her feelings and her interactions with the MIL because she is the one suffering, and the examples she has given of her responses to this show that she is being passive aggressive or what one might call "stooping to her MIL's' level". This is where she is going wrong. It's not a case of whether MIL or OP is right. It's what can OP do about it and responding in kind is not the answer.

Talking about the issue to her DP might also help, as long as she is calm and ready to listen to his viewpoint. Perhaps he can influence his mother, perhaps not. But the two of them should be able to communicate about it. And just assuming the answer is to move far away is immature and likely unkind to MIL. It doesn't have to be a competition but OP is the one with the issue, so she needs to look for solutions rather than hist find put whether she is being unreasonable or not. (In my view she is, but not because I think MIL is an innocent saint of a woman. )

"Just find out whether" not the jibberish above!

Classic case of do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Your MIL is clearly annoying. But you winning those arguments will be pyrrhic victories if your DP is upset with you in the end.

Acknowledge in your mind that she’s annoying but probably not that bad, change the subject when she makes her silly comments, enjoy the food she sends him home with and talk to your DP about what you feel should change.

This in a nutshell. OP wants to rant....and rant..... without opposition, convinced they are right and anyone who disagrees is wrong. What OP lacks is insight to see (or maybe she does see) that she's coming across as argumentative, rude, and intolerant - and unable to accept that others might have different viewpoints, which are valid. It's her way or the highway - and anyone who disagrees is automatically wrong. It's no good trying to project the image of a strong and confident woman, but behaving otherwise. You'll be the 'last woman' in his life? I wouldn't put money on that at the moment....

In OP DP's case he helps his mum loads with stuff from what OP says, so isn't sitting on his arse being infantilised. He does lots of jobs for his mum and supports her. That's how he shows affection to her. She makes food for him to enjoy frequently. That's how she shows affection to him.

Exactly. As I said earlier, my MIL was someone who showed her love through food (as well as many other ways).
It never once occurred to me to take it personally or to see implied criticism in her actions. It was just who she was.

I like OP, the same cannot be said for some of the posters on the thread.

It’s her life, she knows whats going on. The idea that some twerp on the internet has a better idea is puzzling.

Complaining about the OP being rude but then insinuating her marriage won’t last is just weird.

Yesss I knew you were French! I was hearing "J'aime mon fils" in the voice of an elderly lady I did housework for, who was gloating at the demise of her son's relationship with a woman she disapproved of, because her son's dinner was never ready when he got home for work. One of my tasks was to take this lady's son the sandwiches she had made for his lunch, during the harvest when he wouldn't be home for long enough to eat a cooked lunch. She makes all his meals still, and she's 89 and can hardly stand. I like them both but I wouldn't date the son :) - this is one example out of several mother/son pairs I know.

Would you like to show me where I said posters had 'a better' idea? Problem with your comprehension skills? Don't attribute false quotes - just makes you look like a (quote) twerp....