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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Made MIL cry?!

818 replies

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:16

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

OP posts:
Batalax · 12/08/2023 16:31

She might like goading you, but it’s working isn’t it.
You can’t change her but you can change your reaction to her, for the sake of a peaceful life and for your dh and your relationship.

You aren’t coming across well here either, op.

leftoversfortea · 12/08/2023 16:33

I'm interested in what might happen if you do persuade your DH to move a long way away from MIL if you decide to have kids. That will stop the packed lunches! But...won't she come to stay or he'll go to stay with her? This instead of the dropping in for a few hours?

She sounds a bit clingy with her DS. Is he an only child?

Yalta · 12/08/2023 16:33

I think the word “Whatever” needs to be used more.

I think your mil has a game play and the more bitchy and the more aggressive you get you are playing her game to perfection.

Whatever is a word that says you know she has a plan but you aren’t going to play your part in it

I know it is hard but ignore what she says. Be completely serene and treat her like annoying back ground noise. Close your ears off to the chatter. The more she thinks she isn’t getting through the more outlandish her comments until one day she oversteps and says something that others over hear.

mumofdragons · 12/08/2023 16:33

You are both as bad as each other lol..
So what if she makes her son a packed lunch, she isn't harming anyone??

Lookingatthesunset · 12/08/2023 16:34

ttcat37 · 12/08/2023 16:24

I think the person with the problem here is you. Your DP has no problem with the relationship between himself and his mother. Your mother has no problem between herself and your DP. Unfortunately it now seems that they do both now have a problem with you.
Their relationship came long before yours and they both seem quite content with the arrangement and each other’s personalities etc. If you don’t like it I think it’s unreasonable of you to expect them to change because you don’t like it. He’s a mummy’s boy, some men are, and if you don’t like it you know what to do.

I find mummy’s boys very unattractive and it’s an instant deal breaker for me. They never stop being mummy’s boys btw.

I disagree - I think that a man who is caring and loving towards his mother is likely to be the same towards his wife. The OP's DP is just being a loving son to his widowed mother from what I can see.

@Didntmeanto6 your DP clearly does a lot for his mother. Why would you interfere in that? Why does it matter if she makes him an odd sandwich fgs? You started this. You had no need to comment on the lunches, and your remark about milk was downright sarky. Why shouldn't she say she loves her son? You could have said, "I know" and moved on, but you didn't. Your posts have been pretty snarky too.

mumofdragons · 12/08/2023 16:41

I forgot to add, no wonder she has an attitude with you, you sound like an absolute delight to be around 🥴

pinkyredrose · 12/08/2023 16:45

saraclara · 12/08/2023 14:34

No, she didn't. She said "because I love my son". It was no dig at you. She wasn't saying that you don't love him

You asked her why she'd made him a packed lunch that day and she told you that it was because she loves him.
You've put your own interpretation on those few words and twisted it to make it look as though she thinks you don't.

As others have said. She shows her love through food. In her eyes it was the obvious answer to your question.

Show quote history

Do you think that Op may possibly know her mother tongue better than you?

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 17:19

Correct to those who guessed, we are French and her exact words were "mais moi je l'aime mon fils, moi".

I had no idea French mamans had this reputation, I knew it for Italian mamas 😄

I haven't had an overweight comment but I have had the comment of "Oh if you want children your pregnancy might be complicated because you are too thin".

OP posts:
Mischance · 12/08/2023 17:31

It sounds as though she was stating a fact - that she loves her son. Sounds reasonable. You also love her son - does that automatically put you into a rival situation? It need not.

Things might settle down if you ask yourself this: am I peeved with what she does and says because I simply do not like her? How might I interpret her words and actions if that were not the case? Act on the latter and life will get easier.

For you to be put out by her making your OH a packed lunch is seriously OTT!

pictoosh · 12/08/2023 17:41

eurochick · 12/08/2023 15:04

Your comment prompted a sharp intake of breath from me. Ouch. That was way over the top.

Why? Please explain.

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 17:53

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 12:36

Regardless of the dynamic between the OP and MiL, judging by a number of posts on here from others I never knew until today that providing food for your adult children was creepy and weird. Christmas must be a minefield.

It is if you do it every day.

saraclara · 12/08/2023 17:58

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 17:53

It is if you do it every day.

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But MIL doesn't do it every day.

maypoll · 12/08/2023 18:01

@Rosscameasdoody what I meant that the op is accusing her MIL of babying her DP and being controlling when she herself wants to control and baby him. He’s 43 and should be able to make his own mind up about these things. The op is being unkind to her MIL but she should be discussing things with her DP if she’s not happy with him going to see his mum.

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 18:01

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 15:10

I told him he could sleep there too because I felt like being bitchy to him. Because I was angry that its Saturday evening, and what's happening? That's right, he will spend it having dinner with his mother because she cried.
I don't know, maybe I need to do crying more often?

The crying is a huge red flag, isn't it? So manipulative.

I always think the best advice for mothers with sons is to befriend their daughter-in-laws. But it takes psychological maturity to understand and accept that they are now your son's priority - or should be. Your mil is being deliberately divisive, and damaging her son's marriage by pitting herself against her wife. It's very possessive and narcissistic - if she succeeds in turning him against you, or driving you away, how on earth does it benefit her beloved son? It doesn't - it only benefits her.

monsteramunch · 12/08/2023 18:03

@MsRosley

It is if you do it every day.

She doesn't though.

She does it "sometimes".

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 18:04

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 17:53

It is if you do it every day.

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What does MIL do every day?

Onelifeonly · 12/08/2023 18:04

pictoosh · 12/08/2023 14:37

In short, I don't think making sandwiches for your adult son is bad. Neither do I think what OP said to her mil was very offensive.
The most drama being created about this is on here.

So why did OP bother posting? Try reading all her responses. They're pretty worked up over nothing much, according to you.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 18:05

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 18:04

What does MIL do every day?

Show quote history

Nothing.

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 18:05

She is always doing things like this. He often comes home with dishes to put in the oven because she "doesn't want him to be hungry".

My bad, @saraclara @monsteramunch I should have said frequently rather than every day.

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 18:05

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 18:05

Nothing.

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Exactly!

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 18:06

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 18:05

She is always doing things like this. He often comes home with dishes to put in the oven because she "doesn't want him to be hungry".

My bad, @saraclara @monsteramunch I should have said frequently rather than every day.

Yea you should, at least get the facts straight, or your opinions are deemed pointless.

monsteramunch · 12/08/2023 18:09

@MsRosley

My bad, I should have said frequently rather than every day.

So when someone said: "I never knew until today that providing food for your adult children was creepy and weird."

Your honest thought, on reflection, really is "It is if you do it frequently"?

You really think that?

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 18:12

monsteramunch · 12/08/2023 18:09

@MsRosley

My bad, I should have said frequently rather than every day.

So when someone said: "I never knew until today that providing food for your adult children was creepy and weird."

Your honest thought, on reflection, really is "It is if you do it frequently"?

You really think that?

Yes, @monsteramunch I honestly believe that women who persist in frequently cooking for their married sons are trying to one-up the wife, not to mention infantilising their adult son.

'Oh look how much more I love him, how much better I care for him that you do.'

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 18:12

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 18:06

Yea you should, at least get the facts straight, or your opinions are deemed pointless.

Show quote history

Don't be silly.

Icepinkeskimo · 12/08/2023 18:13

Widowed mother makes grown son lunch now and again, yes because she does love him and he will always be her son.
Jealous daughter in law who does not make husband lunch kicks off.

Why?!!! You need to grow up, you sound like a control freak.