Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

I mean you are waving the flags, not MIL.

This comment alone speaks volumes about the future of your marriage.

Crack on.

The milk comment she admits she made after starting to lose her temper at her MIL's 'but I love my son' comment. She's had eight years of digs from this women but you and other PP reckon you know their dynamic better than she does and the saintly MIL can't possibly be in the wrong. It's bizarre.

this.

the bloke can't ever win, with 2 women competing for his affection

Why would she say that, when DP does so much for his mum ? It’s hardly being a mug to want to reciprocate with a few packed lunches in appreciation. And frankly quite thoughtless of the OP not to have considered that before making the comment.

If you haven’t got kids why are you even going over to your MiL’s? There’s no need for you to see her other than Christmas or other similar festive events.

Op has already told him to stay there, so might be worth reading all her posts?

I assume you are French, OP.
In which case her sentence definitely did mean what you thought it did.

That’s a stretch. From what I’ve read so far, it sounds as though DP does a fair bit for his mum. Maybe the packed lunches are just a thank you for that.

Her DH is manipulating both of them for his own gain.

But he'll only be getting the ride from the wife 😏.

So, yeah, sandwiches or sex, you decide.

You're power playing and being manipulative.

IKR. Quite apart from the ones who end up in precisely this dynamic with MIL.

Or it could've been said in a 'don't be a mug, MIL, let him sort his own lunch' way because he's already babied enough?

OP listed loads of stuff her DP does for his mum, saying he helps lots and is there for her whenever she needs. That doesn't sound massively like babying, it sounds like he does lots for her. So she reciprocates by making him lunch sometimes. I literally can't get my head around why it's such a big deal. If I visit my mum she might make me lunch if we don't go out. It's not a massive deal! And maybe it's just a way of MIL showing gratitude to her son.

I'm starting to understand why so many women come on MN to complain about their shit marriages with useless husbands when apparently it's not the done thing to dare question why a man can't make his own lunch.

Everyone involved is perfectly aware he can make his own lunch though. His mum is happy to 'sometimes' make it, he's happy to have it when she does. It's sod all to do with anyone else really 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would obviously be grossed out it if my partner was a useless husband and ungrateful little shit who let his mum run around after him while he sat on his arse. Well I wouldn't be with him but just as an example. But if my partner did lots for his mum to help her and she 'sometimes' made his lunch? Zero clue why that would bother anyone.

Are French mothers ‘smothers’ then?

I’d imagine there are a number of cultures that are very matriarchal. I think I’d be doing a lot of reading and researching on how to handle them if I was married into one. The Nonnas are a formidable bunch I hear. 😁

I would repeat

If you can't take the bitchy comments, then don't dish them out. Ive kept silent for too long and now will retort with the same you dish out. If you truly love your son then learn to be pleasant to his wife

It's DH who's helping his mum out. OP has said that he does a lot for her, checks in on her, does work on the house etc. It seems like she wants to do something for him in return, even if it is just making him a lunch now and again. Far from running around after him.

I didn’t say she was defensive, I said she was increasingly vitriolic. Reading between the lines - or making shit up, whichever you prefer - it seems that MiL was put on the defensive by the OP picking up on the packed lunches thing and that indicates past history. I just wondered how many times this has happened and how often the OP has made similar comments and interpreted MiL’s response as ‘jibes’.

I don’t think they’re married, I wonder if this is colouring the MiL’s attitude? Would she be more accepting of DiL if they were married. 🤷‍♀️

@caringcarer

I bet your DH just loves it with his Mum running around after him, as she probably ran around after her DH all through their marriage. I'd just let her do it tbh. Your DH sounds like a baby.

Eh? OP says:

he is getting up at 8am on Sunday to go and do her garden, when he is driving her to a hospital appointment, when he is always doing X Y and Z.

Why have you made up that she runs round after him and he's a baby?

It’s weird. He sounds like a mummy’s boy and she needs to loosen the apron strings! I’d find it really unattractive!

How can doing a lot for his widowed mum and her making him a few packed lunches in appreciation of that possibly be him manipulating both of them for his own gain ? He’s in the middle of unpleasant spats between his mum and his partner and you think he’s enjoying it ? If the OP is making his life miserable because she can’t get on with his mother, then sooner or later the sex will take a back seat to the sandwiches. Judging by her latest posts she’s facilitating that by telling him to sleep at his mum’s. It’s batshit.

OP, your husband has not separated from his mother, because her own trauma has meant she was unable to gradually allow him to become his own person. He may never be able to do this, and I m sure you are also a stong personality (thank goodness), because he has been looking for a new Mummy all along.

Can you please clarify what you mean by this ? Her husband is aged 43. His mother was widowed six years ago - he’s had 37 years in which to become his own person before his mothers’ ‘trauma’. Therapy and counselling are not needed here. A bit of growing up and not acting like spoilt children is.

YANBU. Not French, are you? Those guys never seem to cut the apron strings and their mamans never stop making them food. I've also heard old ladies here say some quite mean things about their DILs. Things like "DIL is still very fat" when the baby is less than two months old. It's like some people just have to get little digs in somewhere and I can imagine this personality type playing the victim when called out.

I think the person with the problem here is you. Your DP has no problem with the relationship between himself and his mother. Your mother has no problem between herself and your DP. Unfortunately it now seems that they do both now have a problem with you.
Their relationship came long before yours and they both seem quite content with the arrangement and each other’s personalities etc. If you don’t like it I think it’s unreasonable of you to expect them to change because you don’t like it. He’s a mummy’s boy, some men are, and if you don’t like it you know what to do.

I find mummy’s boys very unattractive and it’s an instant deal breaker for me. They never stop being mummy’s boys btw.