Page 24 | Made MIL cry?!

Didntmeanto6 · 2023-08-12T09:16:18+00:00

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me). I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last". Then she started crying and ran out of the room. Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago. I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off. What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

KettyMcBetty · 12/08/2023 15:13

@Didntmeanto6 I suspect you are all Greek.

In any case, none of this can't be new to you. 8 years to see that not much will change until you no longer react. Personally, I would ignore such comments and agree with her about how much she loves her son...

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 15:14

5128gap · 12/08/2023 14:52

Well it occurred to the MiL and to a high proportion of people on the thread.
Knowing this, had that not been the intention behind the comment, most people would actually want to set the record straight, apologise and explain to MiL what was really meant.

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The conversation wasn’t even in English! You’ve no idea what words were actually used. Some posters interpreted it that way - by no means the majority.

ChristmasFluff · 12/08/2023 15:14

@willWillSmithsmith If it was in her house, fair enough. But it's a packed lunch. I'd actually be with the MIL if she was just giving him food at hers and hadn't come out with that 'first woman in his life' comment.

Anxioys · 12/08/2023 15:15

Give the OP her due, this seems to have occurred after eight years. If you've had eight years "mother loves first and thus best" then serving it back once is not that terrible.

The bigger problem is that really, your partner isn't focussing on the future. His mother is acting in a way that sounds codependent.

ChristmasFluff · 12/08/2023 15:15

He'll be finding it terrifying, @ToWhitToWhoo . He has 2 mums. That is not down to the OP

monsteramunch · 12/08/2023 15:16

@Inkpotlover

It wasn't the sandwich, it was the dig that came after it.

That's the point though. OP made the 'he can make his own lunch' comment, for what reason? Because she thinks it's weird / odd MIL sometimes makes her DP's lunch for him. But it's not weird / odd to make lunch for someone especially who does absolutely loads for you - as OP's DP does for his mum accordingly to OP! It's doing something nice back 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP made a pointed comment about something that has absolutely zero effect on her whatsoever.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 15:16

I bet it’s far from the first time in eight years. I suspect it’s been going on for most of that time. Like some kind of emotional tug of war.

monsteramunch · 12/08/2023 15:19

@ChristmasFluff

I make my son's lunch - but if he had a partner I would see it as a HUGE over-step.

Wait so it's ok for you to make his lunch (I agree btw, of course it's ok!) if you want to, but not if he has a partner? That's a 'HUGE over-step'? Why?

Are you really saying that it's the responsibility of the woman he's with to feed him, unless he's single in which case it's yours as the nearest person to him with a vagina? So you feel you'd be doing her 'job' if you made lunch for him?

Goodness.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 15:19

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 15:11

MiL was making the lunch in her own house though so that seems fine to me. It’s obvious no matter whose ‘side’ people are on that the pair of them need their heads knocking together (metaphorically speaking of course). I can’t comment on the man as other than accepting the lunches and helping with the garden and hospital appointments there’s not much else to go on.

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Yep, I agree. And there’s also the possibility that MiL takes the opportunity to do him packed lunches as a thank you for everything he does for her.

Ladybrrrd · 12/08/2023 15:19

Is it not possible that you wildly misinterpreted her 'I love my son' remark? Couldn't she have just been saying that she loves her son? I'm sure she does! It's funny how you expect her to get over your remark and interpret it your way, with not even a thought of you doing the same.

Snapsnap1 · 12/08/2023 15:23

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 14:48

OK it is late in the afternoon now and I am still in pyjamas, I need to go and buy some food!
Thank you for your replies, I posted here because from what I know, in the UK there's a more "normal" relationship between women and their MILs so I was hoping for some back up and many many thanks to the posters who gave me that and understand my position. Actually the YANBU % is quite high so I feel positive.

I don't think we always need to smile sweetly and accept being disrespected which is often how it feels with MIL. I admit I did lose it and maybe it should have been a little more diplomatic, but also it doesn't do any harm for her to realise that I won't accept "digs" any more. Why should I? I love my DP, I'm glad he is a good son who cares for his mother well, as he does for me. I'm glad she has a good relationship with him too, for her sake. It's fine if he sees her every day, yes maybe a bit annoying in some way, but I accept this is his choice.

So with that in mind, why give me those digs? Why when you have everything you need, try and then also have a little slap at me? Why not be happy you have a "DIL" who is usually quite chilled out with all this, when he is getting up at 8am on Sunday to go and do her garden, when he is driving her to a hospital appointment, when he is always doing X Y and Z. Just be happy I don't make a big deal out of this?

With the lunch comment, when I said "he can organise it himself", she could have put her hand on mine and said "I know. Maybe it's silly, but in some way it makes me happy". Then my heart would have melted for her. But no. Instead she chooses to make it a power situation and this is the root of the problem.

I don't believe it's my role to take disrespect from my MIL just because she is his mother. It doesn't make me a bad person. I'm not horrible or nasty. But I should be shown some respect because just as she is his mother, I'm the woman he has chosen for himself. We both deserve equal respect from each other.

I think I will tell DP all of this calmly and I think I would also like to calmly if possible confront her and say all of this to her directly. I will keep you informed if there is any interesting news 😅

Fair play to you OP.

I'd probably ignore the rest of thread, it's just become a bun fight for everyone else, haha.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/08/2023 15:25

I'm a mother to a married son and a MiL to a darling DiL. I try to model my behaviour on that of my own late beloved MiL. What a gem!

I don't think there's a thing wrong with a mother making an adult son lunch or even 'mothering' him a bit here and there. It's no different than our mums mothering us when we need it. We all need mothering sometimes.

BUT she needs to be careful not to tread on her DiL's toes. And the DiL needs to be sure she understands where her MiL's behaviour is coming from. My MiL did things for DH, and I might do things for DS1, but NEVER would either of us imply that that means we love our sons more than their wives do or that their wives are somehow 'inadequate'. And neither of us feel 'threatened' by that mothering. Maternal love is different than spousal love. Both are deep and abiding, neither IMO is 'more' than the other, they're just different loves. And there is always room in a heart for two loves. My DH didn't lose one iota of the love he had for his mum and DS1 didn't lose one iota of the love he has for me when they married. Their hearts just grew large enough for both of us, wife and mum.

We stand equal in their hearts, each in our own place. But wives must and should stand 'just a little' in front of mums. And that's the way it should be! DH's and DS1's first loyalty is to their wives. When I silently 'gave' DS1 into my DiL's 'keeping' on their wedding day, I also took a small step backwards. I look to her, first and foremost, to be his joy and companion in happy times and his comfort and his 'light' during dark times.

Do I ever 'overstep' at times? Sure, but DiL has a way of letting me know, with love, that she's got things handled. And I take my step backwards and resume my place.

@Didntmeanto6 If you truly feel that your MiL isn't coming simply from a place of love for your DH, if you feel that she's trying to 'put you in your place' then you fell right into her trap. But you need to consider whether or not you've chosen to put yourself into competition with her and are thus hypersensitive to anything she does for your DH. It's not a competition. There is room for both of you. And if she does little things for your DH, that's not a 'slam' on you.

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 15:28

ChristmasFluff · 12/08/2023 15:14

@willWillSmithsmith If it was in her house, fair enough. But it's a packed lunch. I'd actually be with the MIL if she was just giving him food at hers and hadn't come out with that 'first woman in his life' comment.

My guess is that this is a long standing feud between MiL and DiL and the arrows have been flying in both directions for some time. My guess is that both have a full quiver of arrows attached to them ready to fly as soon as they know they’re going to be in the same room as each other.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 15:28

monsteramunch · 12/08/2023 15:16

@Inkpotlover

It wasn't the sandwich, it was the dig that came after it.

That's the point though. OP made the 'he can make his own lunch' comment, for what reason? Because she thinks it's weird / odd MIL sometimes makes her DP's lunch for him. But it's not weird / odd to make lunch for someone especially who does absolutely loads for you - as OP's DP does for his mum accordingly to OP! It's doing something nice back 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP made a pointed comment about something that has absolutely zero effect on her whatsoever.

This is what I can’t get my head around. OP openly says her DP does a lot for his mum, and posted upthread that her MiL should be happy she doesn’t make a fuss about it. That seems to suggest underlying resentment that he does so much. She’s chosen to be critical about the occasional packed lunch with no thought that MiL may just be reciprocating for everything DP does for her and she’s now trying to twist it into a power play on MiL’s part.

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 15:29

ChristmasFluff · 12/08/2023 15:09

But @BlastedIce, if you do not make your DH breakfast, lunch or whatever, but his mother then steps in to do it, do you not see how this is giving your DH the message that women SHOULD serve him, and you are thus failing in your duty?

No I’ve married a man that doesn’t think i’m
like his mother, he knows I have my own personality and ways etc. Would he fuck think I’m there to serve him because his mother does!

I find that a really strange question TBH!

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 15:30

AcrossthePond55 · 12/08/2023 15:25

I'm a mother to a married son and a MiL to a darling DiL. I try to model my behaviour on that of my own late beloved MiL. What a gem!

I don't think there's a thing wrong with a mother making an adult son lunch or even 'mothering' him a bit here and there. It's no different than our mums mothering us when we need it. We all need mothering sometimes.

BUT she needs to be careful not to tread on her DiL's toes. And the DiL needs to be sure she understands where her MiL's behaviour is coming from. My MiL did things for DH, and I might do things for DS1, but NEVER would either of us imply that that means we love our sons more than their wives do or that their wives are somehow 'inadequate'. And neither of us feel 'threatened' by that mothering. Maternal love is different than spousal love. Both are deep and abiding, neither IMO is 'more' than the other, they're just different loves. And there is always room in a heart for two loves. My DH didn't lose one iota of the love he had for his mum and DS1 didn't lose one iota of the love he has for me when they married. Their hearts just grew large enough for both of us, wife and mum.

We stand equal in their hearts, each in our own place. But wives must and should stand 'just a little' in front of mums. And that's the way it should be! DH's and DS1's first loyalty is to their wives. When I silently 'gave' DS1 into my DiL's 'keeping' on their wedding day, I also took a small step backwards. I look to her, first and foremost, to be his joy and companion in happy times and his comfort and his 'light' during dark times.

Do I ever 'overstep' at times? Sure, but DiL has a way of letting me know, with love, that she's got things handled. And I take my step backwards and resume my place.

@Didntmeanto6 If you truly feel that your MiL isn't coming simply from a place of love for your DH, if you feel that she's trying to 'put you in your place' then you fell right into her trap. But you need to consider whether or not you've chosen to put yourself into competition with her and are thus hypersensitive to anything she does for your DH. It's not a competition. There is room for both of you. And if she does little things for your DH, that's not a 'slam' on you.

Very well put. A very healthy sounding dynamic from all corners.

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 15:31

monsteramunch · 12/08/2023 15:16

@Inkpotlover

It wasn't the sandwich, it was the dig that came after it.

That's the point though. OP made the 'he can make his own lunch' comment, for what reason? Because she thinks it's weird / odd MIL sometimes makes her DP's lunch for him. But it's not weird / odd to make lunch for someone especially who does absolutely loads for you - as OP's DP does for his mum accordingly to OP! It's doing something nice back 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP made a pointed comment about something that has absolutely zero effect on her whatsoever.

Or it could've been said in a 'don't be a mug, MIL, let him sort his own lunch' way because he's already babied enough?

I'm starting to understand why so many women come on MN to complain about their shit marriages with useless husbands when apparently it's not the done thing to dare question why a man can't make his own lunch.

Tubs11 · 12/08/2023 15:33

You are far too emotional about this. Who cares if she makes him lunch or not. She's clearly a lonely woman who adores her son and rather then seeing it for that it is and rising about it you're poking the bear. Whether you like it or not you are just as controlling as she is. The only person who can change in all of this is you. It's a long life with in-laws so in case you want an ulcer I suggest you learn to manage your emotions better and moving away just to have kids is a horrible thing to do.

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 15:36

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 15:28

This is what I can’t get my head around. OP openly says her DP does a lot for his mum, and posted upthread that her MiL should be happy she doesn’t make a fuss about it. That seems to suggest underlying resentment that he does so much. She’s chosen to be critical about the occasional packed lunch with no thought that MiL may just be reciprocating for everything DP does for her and she’s now trying to twist it into a power play on MiL’s part.

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He goes to his mum's house every single morning before work. He's there at 8am on a Sunday to do her garden. That impacts OP, but she says she doesn't make a fuss, yet still MIL persists in making digs along the lines that she can't love DP if she won't make him a sodding packed lunch!

I would get irritated at not being able to spend time with my DP in the morning because he was always at his mother's.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 15:36

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 15:00

Which she's already explained. It wasn't the packed lunch that was the issue, it was the dig that came after.

Is OP's opening statement really that hard to understand?

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No, the OP made the first dig by pointedly suggesting he could make his own lunch. Without even a passing thought to the fact that MiL does this as a thank you for all DP does for her - and she gave herself away with the’ do you warm some milk for him too’ comment.

caringcarer · 12/08/2023 15:36

I bet your DH just loves it with his Mum running around after him, as she probably ran around after her DH all through their marriage. I'd just let her do it tbh. Your DH sounds like a baby. If you have a baby with him I imagine it will be hard with baby's Grandmother trying to take over at every turn.

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 15:37

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 15:29

No I’ve married a man that doesn’t think i’m
like his mother, he knows I have my own personality and ways etc. Would he fuck think I’m there to serve him because his mother does!

I find that a really strange question TBH!

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Oh and it’s 2023 not 1930, so I thought the wife “duties” had ended.

Evidently not, as sone women still think there is an element of “wife” duties.

Ladybrrrd · 12/08/2023 15:40

I bet your DH just loves it with his Mum running around after him, as she probably ran around after her DH all through their marriage. I'd just let her do it tbh. Your DH sounds like a baby. If you have a baby with him I imagine it will be hard with baby's Grandmother trying to take over at every turn.

I don't know where you're getting this from? It sounds like DH does a lot of running around and looking after MIL. Why shouldn't she reciprocate the love?

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 15:40

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 15:36

No, the OP made the first dig by pointedly suggesting he could make his own lunch. Without even a passing thought to the fact that MiL does this as a thank you for all DP does for her - and she gave herself away with the’ do you warm some milk for him too’ comment.

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Yes, that milk comment was just dripping with aggression and spite if you ask me. Why say that unless you’re squaring up for a fight?

Fuckthatguy · 12/08/2023 15:41

@Didntmeanto6

I was on the fence until this:

Didntmeanto6 · Today 11:28
Also many people here saying "oh well BE CAREFUL because with this attitude he might leave you".

If that's what happens over this then I'm okay with that. Maybe he can move in with MIL and she can be happy that she has her adult son at home as a pet

This sounds like a DH issue and you sound contemptuous of him rather than your MIL.

Red flag.