Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

You keep ignoring my question, why did you order DP to not come home tonight?

You seem to keep missing that question.

I wish someone would send me home with dinner to put in the oven.

I think your MIL sounds a bit OTT, but then your reaction also is. Smile and nod - any lunches and dinners are less work for you and your partner.

Op, are you like your MIL?

You sound similar characters

And how high is the likelihood of him agreeing ?

Yes well, the silly woman pipped up first with her stupid 'first woman' comment, so that's what she gets. You can't dish it out and then burst into tears when it's served back to you.
I wouldn't apologise either tbh.

And mine and a couple of others who are asking why a few packed lunches are such an issue for the OP.

Exactly! Any time the MiL and DiL are together both their hackles are probably up and squaring up to each other from the off.

Now if it was happening in England it could all be settled with a nice cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit. 😁

It wasn't the sandwich, it was the dig that came after it.

It does read like you are saying she's going to die soon op 🤣

Which she's already explained. It wasn't the packed lunch that was the issue, it was the dig that came after.

Is OP's opening statement really that hard to understand?

Does it really matter ?

See, I'm not sure why you would 'confront' MIL but you will not 'confront' DH over his behaviour of acceptance and playing the child role with his mother.

His mother will NEVER accept you as having equal status to her as his wife until DH changes HIS boundaries with her.

DH's behavior is absolutely the grease that is oiling this irksome machine.

All those DH's who accept food parcels and cooked 'his favourite!' dinners for the freezers.

They are enabling manipulation by their mothers. Are you not noticing that part or is conveniently forgotten on the way to vilify the other woman?

MIL babies the son and what she meets is total acceptance and encouragement for that to continue.

she could have put her hand on mine and said “I know. Maybe in some way it is silly but it makes me happy.”

If that is the kind of relationship you want with his mum, you’re going to need to engender it.

How different would the conversation have gone had you put your hand on hers and said “I know he’s a grown man and can do it himself, but I’m glad it makes you happy.”?

We both deserve equal respect from each other.

I agree you both deserve equal respect and my bet is that you’re both “missing” the others’ intention. You had the power in it to de-escalate and didn’t. She’s an older lady, has had a lot of her life. She may be too involved with your dp but this combative attitude will not work with her and your dp.

Whatever you do, don’t go demanding an apology from her, if you truly want to get on with her, you need to find a way. If you are to have children, getting these skills now really will help with parenting, especially when it comes to teens. The best thing to do is to say “I’m sorry that we argued. I think neither of us understood what the other one meant. I felt hurt and I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Zero I should imagine!

At the moment he’s been told to not come home!

I am almost your MIL's age OP, am alone, and I want to tell you it is NOT you!

I make my son's lunch - but if he had a partner I would see it as a HUGE over-step.

"I am the first woman in his life" - what a ridiculous thing to say, and something that would never come out of the mouth of a healthy person. My job as his mother is to ensure that he finds a lovely partner and fully transfers his allegiance so that I am no longer first.

And as for the reminder that MIL will die - WTF?! Do we all not know we are going to die?

This conversation came after a history of the MIL undermining the OP, and everything she describes backs this up.

OP, your husband has not separated from his mother, because her own trauma has meant she was unable to gradually allow him to become his own person. He may never be able to do this, and I m sure you are also a stong personality (thank goodness), because he has been looking for a new Mummy all along.

I strongly advise joint counselling - and individual therapy for him.

Your comment prompted a sharp intake of breath from me. Ouch. That was way over the top.

i don’t understand this, I don’t see if my DHs mum does him breakfast, lunch etc as it disrespecting me!

If she doesn’t do it, doesn’t mean I do it instead? I might do it, DH might do it, but it’s like people saying that women must serve men?

They can if they choose, but they don’t have to.

I’d bloody love it if a MiL was giving me food to fill the freezer or food parcels or whatever. Bring it on.

From an earlier post by the OP

Why not be happy you have a "DIL" who is usually quite chilled out with all this, when he is getting up at 8am on Sunday to go and do her garden, when he is driving her to a hospital appointment, when he is always doing X Y and Z. Just be happy I don't make a big deal out of this?

Why would the OP think MiL should be happy she doesn’t make a big deal out of the fact that DP helps her ? How does him having a sense of responsibility towards his mum hurt the OP ? Seems to me that the thought wouldn’t occur unless there was some kind of underlying resentment on OP’s part that he does these things routinely.

But @BlastedIce, if you do not make your DH breakfast, lunch or whatever, but his mother then steps in to do it, do you not see how this is giving your DH the message that women SHOULD serve him, and you are thus failing in your duty?

I told him he could sleep there too because I felt like being bitchy to him. Because I was angry that its Saturday evening, and what's happening? That's right, he will spend it having dinner with his mother because she cried.
I don't know, maybe I need to do crying more often?

To be honest, I think you are both being unreasonable and possessive. I think that it was not for you to comment on her sometimes making her son packed lunches: it is for him to comment if he finds it a bit much. And two grown women arguing over who is the first/ last/ greatest/ wearing a golden crown/ woman in his life seems quite undignified to me. She also sounds OTT. I'd try to avoid these who-comes-first-and-last arguments in the future. Depending on personality, your dh is likely to find them either excessively gratifying to his ego, or highly embarrassing.

She does baby your partner and I can see why that is irritating. She did goad you a bit. Is she sending food for both of you or just him?
But you need to talk to him about it rather than her if it's bothering you, and learn not to rise to her comments. Phone a friend and vent instead, or don't see her so much. Laugh it off instead of engaging.
My MIL used to do far too much for my DH. It didn't help him learn to be independent.

MiL was making the lunch in her own house though so that seems fine to me. It’s obvious no matter whose ‘side’ people are on that the pair of them need their heads knocking together (metaphorically speaking of course). I can’t comment on the man as other than accepting the lunches and helping with the garden and hospital appointments there’s not much else to go on.

It’s quite possible that you don’t understand it because it’s utter crap !!