Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

Now that would be interesting. I’d have to get my popcorn ready for that scenario! 😁

I am biased though as I am the doting (single) mum of two adult sons. I adore my son’s gf though but she is an utter sweetheart.

Ah no worries.

How do you know it was a pointed remark - were you there ? The way OP has described it, it was conversational. So MiL had no way of knowing the OP would pick up and make something of it - what came next was as a result of a conscious decision by the OP to confront.

@Didntmeanto6
Don't visit her and she won't be able to grate on your nerve. She was truthful in the sense that she was the first woman in his life.

Why does it bother you that she makes his lunch or that she might warm his milk? These things pose no inconvenience for you, and he is certainly not asking or expecting you to do those things for him.

Obviously you do not like her, and it seems that she is not overly fond of you. The simply solution is for you to minimize your contact with her.

You do not need to accompany your husband when he visits her.

Even if MIL did mean something by it. OP didn't need to play her game.

Why ask us if you’re determined you’re right?

Personally I think you sound awful.

I do think though you have to pick and choose your battles. I don’t think I would care if my MiL made my husband a packed lunch, she clearly finds it hard not having someone to care for because she lost her husband. Let it go and find something else to moan about. Sorry OP

No but OP was and she was clear what was behind the remark. She has fielded many such remarks over the course of the relationship.

There's a dynamic here between them you'll never change.
Therefore you have to accept it and decide what your boundaries are.

You are seeing your MIL as a threat, that's why you are having a go at her and making sarcastic jibs like 'are you warming milk for him too?'

You are really angry with your DH but you are transferring the anger onto MIL.
Because (just exactly like MIL) men have to be tiptoed around and their feelings need to be babied. But women can 'take it'.

You picked DH because he was crying out to be controlled.
Your DH picked you because he wanted a controlling woman to mother him.
Now both Mummies are fighting over who gets control of baby son.

Your beef is with your DH.

If you don't like him accepting sandwiches then tell him 'I don't like you accepting sandwiches off her' rather than going around and getting a few digs into her.

Also, I have up day, don't demand an apology. Let it go, rise above it this time, but continue to stand your ground the next time something happens.

Basically it's a battle between you and her. She's stupid because if she wins, the real loser is her darling son, not you.

Taunting a widow about her own demise isn't really the optimum way to demonstrate ones back bone.
If the partner is failing to get out of a situation the OP dislikes, the courageous action would be surely to have it out with the man himself rather than go for the low hanging fruit of engaging in a spat with another woman?
Women fighting each other over a man isn't something I'd want us all to aspire to in the name of back bone.

I'm with you OP. It's constant with MILs like this and it's boring. My freezer is crammed with cooking from MiL that DH doesn't eat but has cooked as its his 'favourite!'. I have started to bin some of it. The manipulation is real. Well done for standing up to her. I do not for a minute think you were unreasonable. The only hope is that she backs off.

Which, again, we don’t know didn’t come from a defensive standpoint rather than offensive.

Well you might not but everyone else does 🤣

The OP was trying to goad the MiL by saying he can make his own lunch. Even the OP admitted it was only sometimes she made him lunch. Once again, double standards. I bet there are women that would make their daughters lunch as an occasional treat but it would pass without notice.

It's your assumption that the MiL was being manipulative. Tbh the OP sounds pretty punchy on here. I bet she spoke in a pretty unpleasant way. She may well have genuinely been upset. I'm pretty sure the OP would be happy to spill other unsavoury details about the MiL if they existed, so it sounds like a big fuss about nothing on her behalf, and actually she is controlling and playing a game of being more special.

The DH may feel as I do that the MiL has nothing to apologise for.

OK it is late in the afternoon now and I am still in pyjamas, I need to go and buy some food!
Thank you for your replies, I posted here because from what I know, in the UK there's a more "normal" relationship between women and their MILs so I was hoping for some back up and many many thanks to the posters who gave me that and understand my position. Actually the YANBU % is quite high so I feel positive.

I don't think we always need to smile sweetly and accept being disrespected which is often how it feels with MIL. I admit I did lose it and maybe it should have been a little more diplomatic, but also it doesn't do any harm for her to realise that I won't accept "digs" any more. Why should I? I love my DP, I'm glad he is a good son who cares for his mother well, as he does for me. I'm glad she has a good relationship with him too, for her sake. It's fine if he sees her every day, yes maybe a bit annoying in some way, but I accept this is his choice.

So with that in mind, why give me those digs? Why when you have everything you need, try and then also have a little slap at me? Why not be happy you have a "DIL" who is usually quite chilled out with all this, when he is getting up at 8am on Sunday to go and do her garden, when he is driving her to a hospital appointment, when he is always doing X Y and Z. Just be happy I don't make a big deal out of this?

With the lunch comment, when I said "he can organise it himself", she could have put her hand on mine and said "I know. Maybe it's silly, but in some way it makes me happy". Then my heart would have melted for her. But no. Instead she chooses to make it a power situation and this is the root of the problem.

I don't believe it's my role to take disrespect from my MIL just because she is his mother. It doesn't make me a bad person. I'm not horrible or nasty. But I should be shown some respect because just as she is his mother, I'm the woman he has chosen for himself. We both deserve equal respect from each other.

I think I will tell DP all of this calmly and I think I would also like to calmly if possible confront her and say all of this to her directly. I will keep you informed if there is any interesting news 😅

And still the question of how a few packed lunches hurts the OP remains unanswered.

She wasn’t though if you read the thread - that interpretation didn’t occur to her - she was just reminding OP who he’s married to.

Like the cheesy country song: I don’t care if I’m your first love I just want to be your last

You’ll be waiting a long time because it’s a trick question. If I say I have sons you’ll say they’re little smothered mummy’s boys. If I say I haven’t you’ll say I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. So, as it’s entirely irrelevant I won’t be answering it. Frankly if this is the attitude you take with your mil, it’s no wonder you fall out with her.

So bet DP had said he will have a talk with her…… but over a meal (big deal) OL has spat her dummy over that and ordered him to not come home! All
done over text!

I'm with you on this. If she's going to dish out the comments, she should expect them back.

@Didntmeanto6 - well it's obvious why she does it. She has nothing else going on. I assume your MIL is retired and doing the maths she had her son rather young. I would guess that's it.

Why not be happy you have a "DIL" who is usually quite chilled out with all this, when he is getting up at 8am on Sunday to go and do her garden, when he is driving her to a hospital appointment, when he is always doing X Y and Z. Just be happy I don't make a big deal out of this?

It's even less of an issue she makes him lunch sometimes considering he does loads to support her! Baffled by OP begrudging MIL sometimes making him lunch when he does lots for her. Bizarre.

Well it occurred to the MiL and to a high proportion of people on the thread.
Knowing this, had that not been the intention behind the comment, most people would actually want to set the record straight, apologise and explain to MiL what was really meant.