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Original poster

Made MIL cry?!

818 replies

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:16

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 14:27

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 14:21

Everybody is obsessed with the lunches. It's not about the lunches. It's about what came after the lunches discussion.

Which you instigated by criticising the fact that she does this - your criticism put her on the defensive and things escalated. You asked in an earlier post whether we thought you should just keep quiet and not respond to her jibes. Of course not, but the same applies to her. As someone upthread has asked - how exactly does her making him a few packed lunches hurt you ?

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 14:28

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 14:26

Seriously!?? So unless you're married a relationship doesn't count?

Show quote history

I didn’t say that did I? It does mean though that you’re not “first” in that person ‘s life any more. She needs to get over it and move on.

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 14:29

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 12/08/2023 14:26

Nothing, if she’d said it in a polite, jokey way.

Instead she said it in an arsey way because MIL makes her feel inadequate and she doesn’t like that.

Show quote history

This is her OP. Where does it say she said the sandwich comment in an arsey way? It was after the love dig that she admits beginning to lose her temper a little.

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little…

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 14:29

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 14:21

Everybody is obsessed with the lunches. It's not about the lunches. It's about what came after the lunches discussion.

What was wrong when your Dp agreed to have a chat with his mother, but over dinner?

why did you tell home to not come home?

Anxioys · 12/08/2023 14:29

I think the OP is copping it here but MIL is 60. That is old enough to be more mature and also to find something else to than bugger about with bread for her son. He is 43! Assuming he left home at least 20 years ago then this is transference because she no longer has a husband. That is absolutely a choice she is making which is not healthy.

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 14:30

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 14:28

I didn’t say that did I? It does mean though that you’re not “first” in that person ‘s life any more. She needs to get over it and move on.

Show quote history

Oh god, my mistake! I misread that as you saying OP needs to be reminded they are not married. Apologies for being hard of reading!

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 14:30

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 14:21

It’s the mother who is the drama llama with all her “I love my son” and “I am the first woman in his life” I mean it’s literally Oedipus/Hamlet/Brazilian soap opera.

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Yes but mum doesn’t have to concern herself with him leaving her or finding a better mum and the likelihood of him cutting contact with her is probably zero. She’s here to stay so OP needs to change her stance if the relationship is not to go belly up.

Maybe if OP actually came across here better she’d get more support but she comes across badly imho. She’s already said she wouldn’t make her adult children a packed lunch and she doesn’t even have kids so already she seems inflexible and not nurturing.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 14:31

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 14:27

Which you instigated by criticising the fact that she does this - your criticism put her on the defensive and things escalated. You asked in an earlier post whether we thought you should just keep quiet and not respond to her jibes. Of course not, but the same applies to her. As someone upthread has asked - how exactly does her making him a few packed lunches hurt you ?

Show quote history

It was instigated by MIL letting OP know she makes DH’s packed lunch, which given the whole dynamic and her codependence, is a pointed remark.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 14:31

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 14:20

Yet another poster conveniently overlooking OP's opening statement that she's put up with eight years of digs from his mum inferring she's a shit homemaker and doesn't look after her son. It's amazing how you all know her MIL better than she does.

I wonder if the responses on this thread would be different if it wasn't a sandwich. If it was 'my MIL says she occasionally washes my DP's underpants when he goes round every morning and when I said he could do it himself, she said it's because she loves him.' 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Not overlooking anything. Just reading between the lines of the OPs increasingly vitriolic posts and considering the possibility that MiL’s eight years of digs came from a defensive standpoint rather than offensive, as the OP would have us believe. Two sides to every story and all that.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 12/08/2023 14:32

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 14:29

This is her OP. Where does it say she said the sandwich comment in an arsey way? It was after the love dig that she admits beginning to lose her temper a little.

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little…

Show quote history

I read her OP. That reads in an arsey way, and we know OP was being an arse because the comment got her back up.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 14:32

the likelihood of him cutting contact with her is probably zero

The likelihood of me insisting we move somewhere to have kids is high however

OP posts:
saraclara · 12/08/2023 14:34

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 14:27

What happened after the packed lunch was that she said she loved her son
No. What happened after the packed lunch was that she said she loved her son more than me which is why she was doing something for him that I don't do.

When someone uses that construction in my language ("me, I....") it's to make a difference between themselves and you. It's not ambiguous.

No, she didn't. She said "because I love my son". It was no dig at you. She wasn't saying that you don't love him

You asked her why she'd made him a packed lunch that day and she told you that it was because she loves him.
You've put your own interpretation on those few words and twisted it to make it look as though she thinks you don't.

As others have said. She shows her love through food. In her eyes it was the obvious answer to your question.

BatheInTheLight · 12/08/2023 14:34

I always think to take the moral high ground and ignore/not get involved in such things. If she's spoiling for a fight, don't play into her hands by giving her one.

Anxioys · 12/08/2023 14:34

If you have kids I expect this woman to go off the deep end in terms of criticism. I wouldn't live near her either.

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 14:35

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 14:31

Not overlooking anything. Just reading between the lines of the OPs increasingly vitriolic posts and considering the possibility that MiL’s eight years of digs came from a defensive standpoint rather than offensive, as the OP would have us believe. Two sides to every story and all that.

Show quote history

She's getting defensive because most PP haven't bothered to read her OP properly and it's become an ugly pile on. 'Reading between the lines' is just a posh way of saying 'I'm going to make shit up'.

Crossstich · 12/08/2023 14:35

I'm sorry but I think you are being a little oversensitive and maybe insecure, does it matter that she makes him a packed lunch sometimes. Why does it matter? You think she is trying to say she loves him more than you do but maybe she isn't saying that. Maybe she is just showing she loves him in the way she knows how perhaps she is the sort of person who shows love through food. Some older women do.
She is right that she was the first woman to love him that isn't saying you don't love him too. There should be plenty of space in your husbands life for two women to love him. At the moment it feels like a tug of love between the two of you with him in the middle!
Do you feel threatened by her? Are you not sure that your husband loves you or that he is committed to you? I feel that there must something more here to make you feel so and not just shrug it off.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 14:35

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 14:30

Yes but mum doesn’t have to concern herself with him leaving her or finding a better mum and the likelihood of him cutting contact with her is probably zero. She’s here to stay so OP needs to change her stance if the relationship is not to go belly up.

Maybe if OP actually came across here better she’d get more support but she comes across badly imho. She’s already said she wouldn’t make her adult children a packed lunch and she doesn’t even have kids so already she seems inflexible and not nurturing.

Show quote history

I disagree - other posters on the thread who are coming across badly, OP sounds fine to me.

Let me just repeat for this at the back: it is DH who needs to change his stance if his over-enmeshment with MIL is not to fuck up his marriage in the long run. Today MIL making competitive comments about who is first in his life - tomorrow she will asking to move in because she is old and frail and DH is all she has.

pictoosh · 12/08/2023 14:35

"Assuming he left home at least 20 years ago then this is transference because she no longer has a husband. That is absolutely a choice she is making which is not healthy."

Nah...you're just talking out of a hole in your head. People often do nice things for those they love because they love them and want to express it. There is nothing wrong with that. YOU are making it 'unhealthy' by imagining stuff about people you know nothing about.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 14:36

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 14:35

She's getting defensive because most PP haven't bothered to read her OP properly and it's become an ugly pile on. 'Reading between the lines' is just a posh way of saying 'I'm going to make shit up'.

Show quote history

True dat. 😆

AlexandriasWindmill · 12/08/2023 14:36

Then insist on moving away. I think it would be healthier for everyone.

But life is full of people who will wind you up, if you let them. You do need to work on your own reactions and emotions. So what if MIL thinks a loving wife should make packed lunches? Why are you threatened by her saying she loved your DH first? You can only be in competition with each other if you are both playing that game. You don't need to play. I had an overbearing MIL. As long as you're letting her get under your skin, she is winning.

diddl · 12/08/2023 14:37

They can have their dinner date in peace.

I realise that you are venting on here-but do you really think so little of him?

If so-why not just leave?

pictoosh · 12/08/2023 14:37

In short, I don't think making sandwiches for your adult son is bad. Neither do I think what OP said to her mil was very offensive.
The most drama being created about this is on here.

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 14:37

saraclara · 12/08/2023 14:34

No, she didn't. She said "because I love my son". It was no dig at you. She wasn't saying that you don't love him

You asked her why she'd made him a packed lunch that day and she told you that it was because she loves him.
You've put your own interpretation on those few words and twisted it to make it look as though she thinks you don't.

As others have said. She shows her love through food. In her eyes it was the obvious answer to your question.

Show quote history

Another one twisting OP's opening statement! Read it again. OP never asked the MIL why she made him the sandwich, just pointed out that at 43 he could do it himself. MIL responded with 'yes, but I love my son', implying OP can't love him if she thinks he should make it himself. That's when she started to get irritated.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 14:38

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 14:32

the likelihood of him cutting contact with her is probably zero

The likelihood of me insisting we move somewhere to have kids is high however

That is what it will come to ultimately. He will have to decide who he is actually married to. And the more he enables her now the bigger the meltdown when you move.

SillyBillyMother · 12/08/2023 14:38

It's an archetypal battle. It's so common, and almost to be expected when the main woman in a man's life is displaced. She obviously isn't coping well and won't give up her position easily.

I had similar but not same with mil which didn't start un til after dc were born. It was a battle I needed to win. Eventually things came to a head and dh was forced to chose me. I'm simplifying obvs.
We now have an excellent relationship with mil, but it was a very difficult phase for us, and her. She has since made comments about how she was a nightmare at that time, but I don't think you'll get that recognition from your mil. I would suggest

  1. avoid pettiness. Don't point score with her. This demeans you.
  2. stand your ground. You are right and she needs to accept her new role in your dh life. She is no longer number 1
  3. dh needs to step up and show where his loyalty lies. If this means reducing the days he goes to her house, asking her to stop making lunches every day, I don't know, but he needs to gently show her that you are the most important woman in his life.

Good luck, it's very standard. Tbh you sound like the right personality type to cope with her, but you need to work out how to stay strong without being petty iykwim,