Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

I think you escalated your argument with MIL unnecessarily. Does it matter if she makes him a pack lunch? I’d be suggesting I’d also love a pack lunch every day. Sending him home with cooked meals? Fantastic, neither of you have to cook.

I’m clearly a rubbish wife but I’d probably find it amusing rather than enraging if MIL implied she loves her son more than me - it’s also probably true on some days 😅

I am 100% on your side OP. I would really get out when you still can. It will all only get worse.

Why shouldn't say OP say it in the course of a conversation that the MIL started about the packed lunches, according to her first post? Should she just sit there and be mute? What's wrong with her telling the MIL it's okay to let DP make his own? MIL was the one who turned it up a notch with the love dig.

I would calm down and let her get on with it, it's really not worth the hassle. You seem to be taking it too personally, she wants to feel needed and your DP is playing along to keep her happy, annoying perhaps but it really isn't worth all the drama

I think you were horrible to her

You are coming across as deeply unpleasant.

She's irritating you, you don't get on. She loves her son, so do you. Why are you putting him in this situation? You could drive him away, and who could blame him?!

OP is not coming across as unpleasant, she’s coming across as having a backbone that a of women on MN could do with.

OP is not the one putting him in this situation - he has put himself in it and failed to get out of it because it serves him.

You catch a lot more flies with honey than vinegar as they say and if you do see yourself with DP (which includes his family) then you’re going to have to stop pouring vinegar onto an already sour relationship and get that honey out. It can’t be that difficult to just smile sweetly and let it go over your head.

And? I'm in the middle ofnhaving to explain to my 4 year old that we can't control what people say but we can choose to ignore it.

All you had to say was. That's nice. Or even just ignore her!

You don't even like him! So just end this. Or are you one of those people who need drama like people need air.

Food is her love language and you are mean, grow up.

In your op you said MIL commented that she 'sometimes' makes her son a packed lunch. You seem to have dropped 'sometimes' - are you now trying to make it sound like she does it every day?

Which is his choice…. If he wanted too!

Except that MiL only mentioned the packed lunches in passing - it was the OP who criticised and escalated it with snotty comments. So you could just as well ask should MiL sit there and be mute while the OP takes pot shots at the fact that she sometimes does a nice thing for her son.

Sometimes you just need to go on a charm offensive. Countries have to do it with one another all the time so they don’t go to war with each other. She’s his mother not OP’s work colleague, backbone doesn’t come in to it. She knows what the MiL is like so OP needs to take a different stance. It’s not as if the MiL actually lives in OP’s house, it can’t be that difficult to put on a bit of charm and diplomacy to keep the peace.

I haven't RTWT but have read all your posts OP. I understand you are very irritated by your MIL but your responses aren't helping you at all. You can't change her! You need to manage your feelings. Accept she is jealous of you or feels you aren't the best wife or whatever her problem is. DON'T respond in kind. Yes I'd be annoyed by the packed lunch thing too, but is it a hill to die on? She is your DH's mother and they have their own relationship. He doesn't belong to you and you alone.

When someone is irritating to me, I try to avoid them and if that's not possible, resist getting engaged into a pointless argument. You don't have kids yet but I can tell you I use this tactic with my teens at times when they're being obnoxious and don't want me to have the last word. It's hard to do but the outcomes are much better.

No, not just for him for the good of his relationship. If he doesn’t enact boundaries now his mother will become more enmeshed, more demanding and more dependent as she ages.

Sums up the whole batshit situation beautifully.

@SlipSlidinAway
Thanks for commenting however I domt want @Blossomtoes to get lost in the posts here: she has been very present throughout this thread, and she still hasn't replied to two posts in which I put questions to her.

@Blossomtoes I'm waiting for your reply.

How does it hurt you that she does packed lunches for her son??

You come across as very obnoxious. This seems like a bit of a power play. You're trying to assert yourself and show MIL whose boss. You want DP to sort out his mother. It's his problem, and you won't be apologising. You are creating the problem. You don't need to challenge everything. It's like you're looking for a demonstration from your DP. I think you are going to be disappointed. I'd be surprised if you're this man's last love. I wouldn't stay with someone who was rude to my mum or tried to alienate me from my family.

Boundaries are personal.
So if he's happy and his mother is happy he doesn't need to form or hold any boundaries with her.

Maybe he’s tiring of OP and her drama llama behaviour.

OP you need to ignore and rise above what you perceive to be digs at you. ... MIL saying she wants to do nice things for her son, e.g. make packed lunches isn't that strange. And she is technically correcrt with the "first woman of his life", so it was completely unnecessary to respond in such a spiteful way. If you don't learn to roll with the punches then its very big assumption that your relationship will survive for you to "be the last" regardless of MIL behaviour.

If you said what you said to my mother, and you wouldn't apologise you definitely wouldn't be the last woman. Blood is thicker than water.

Also its not for your DP to "deal with" the situation. Either you can tolerate the family dynamics in a civilised fashion, because they won't change or should reconsider if this family situation is right for you.

What? Why is on OP to form a charm offensive, MIL is not her mother. DH and MIL have an enmeshment problem and that’s for DH to sort out not OP.

MN is a forum full of confrontation-averse, peace-keeping, people-pleasers.

Why ? Just because she sometimes makes him a packed lunch ? Why does he have to enact ‘boundaries’ with his own mother, when all she’s done is shown a bit of love and care - just to please his partner ?