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Original poster

Made MIL cry?!

818 replies

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:16

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 13:48

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 13:38

@BlastedIce
You are following this closely: what about the post where I describe her holding his face and kissing him over and over....because we had a small fight in the car. Is that normal for you?

It's a bit OTT to do that to an adult yes, but that's her style and doesn't mean you get to be nasty to her. If it gives you the ick and you want to leave then fine, but you chose to tell her about your argument (strange, I would never involve her like that) her kissing her son doesn't mean she's trying to annoy you or undermine you, you've taken it that way

Hooplahooping · 12/08/2023 13:48

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 13:12

Daddy’s girl is never seen as an insult though. It’s a badge normally worn with pride.

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I don’t think universally - I’d be mortified if someone described me so! I love my dad - - but It feels infantilising and would deffo give me the ick for someone to identify me like that.

WandaWonder · 12/08/2023 13:49

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 13:38

@BlastedIce
You are following this closely: what about the post where I describe her holding his face and kissing him over and over....because we had a small fight in the car. Is that normal for you?

Then leave him if his relationship is so weird

cocoloco117 · 12/08/2023 13:49

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 13:39

Yes indeed. The weird, enmeshed and manipulative relationship that the OP appears to be doing her best to create between herself, her MiL and her unfortunate DP. And your comment about ‘little man has to go and see his mummy every day’ tells us pretty much all we need to know about you. Perhaps he’s just considerate enough to call in to check on his widowed mum on the way to work every day. Perhaps there are other contributing factors we’re not privy to. Did you ever stop to think of that ?

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MILs benefitting from a lot of the doubt here. Let’s imagine up a load of “contributing factors we’re not privy to” whilst assassinating OPs character and conveniently ignore things we are privy to. Such as this lovely blameless widowed saintly mum being considerate enough to give him a nice kiss and cuddle to comfort her son, upset after a row. A 40 year old man. Such healthy and normal behaviour.

Anxioys · 12/08/2023 13:50

Now you've said about the kissing thing my advice is run, run for the hills. She sounds demented and he is... well, it's unhealthy.

Find a man who does not have a codependency with his mother like this.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 13:51

I come from a European culture where it’s very normal for mothers /MILs to cook (and do washing) for their adult children/partners. It’s also very normal for adult children to visit their parents a least a couple of times a week, but some do go nearly every day.

Normal but also very overbearing for everyone involved.

My Italian friend left Italy and married an Englishman as she just couldn’t stand that aspect of the culture. The result is that Italian men are often neurotic and spoilt and overly dependent on their mothers.

roarrfeckingroar · 12/08/2023 13:51

She does love him more. It's not a competition but she does. A mother's love is far stronger than the love you have for a partner.

Curtains70 · 12/08/2023 13:51

I haven't read the whole thread but I'm guessing there's more to it than just the packed lunch because I honestly can't see anything wrong with it.

My Mum has my DD on a Friday while I work and when I dropped her off Friday she gave me a bacon butty that she'd made and wrapped up for me take to work as a Friday treat 🤣. Does that make me a laughing stock like the OPs DH? (according to some posters).

momonpurpose · 12/08/2023 13:52

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 11:28

Also many people here saying "oh well BE CAREFUL because with this attitude he might leave you".

If that's what happens over this then I'm okay with that. Maybe he can move in with MIL and she can be happy that she has her adult son at home as a pet

OP I get where you are coming from. When I was a kid my BFF mom use to say never marry a mama's boy. My mama's boy has been gone for 3 years now....best 3 years of my life not dealing with that crazy family. So however this goes for you I wish you all the best

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 13:52

No wonder so many women end up in dire relationships on MN with a man wholly enmeshed with his mother.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 13:52

@cocoloco117
100%

OP posts:
cocoloco117 · 12/08/2023 13:53

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 13:48

It's a bit OTT to do that to an adult yes, but that's her style and doesn't mean you get to be nasty to her. If it gives you the ick and you want to leave then fine, but you chose to tell her about your argument (strange, I would never involve her like that) her kissing her son doesn't mean she's trying to annoy you or undermine you, you've taken it that way

Show quote history

“It’s a bit OTT…”
🤣
Classic British understatement

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 13:53

Curtains70 · 12/08/2023 13:51

I haven't read the whole thread but I'm guessing there's more to it than just the packed lunch because I honestly can't see anything wrong with it.

My Mum has my DD on a Friday while I work and when I dropped her off Friday she gave me a bacon butty that she'd made and wrapped up for me take to work as a Friday treat 🤣. Does that make me a laughing stock like the OPs DH? (according to some posters).

Of course not. Because you’re a woman and we all know different standards apply.

Snapsnap1 · 12/08/2023 13:54

I think you just need to take out this exchange from the equation

MIL: I make my sons packed lunch

DIL: he can make his own lunch

Because if MIL had said: well I know but I like to do it....Then that would be a perfectly normal type of exchange.

The dig came from the 'well I love my son.....' so it was MIL who fired the first shot because that was unnecessary.

After that all gloves were off and to follow it up with 'I'm the first woman in his life' - I mean come on.... MIL got what she deserved.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 13:59

No the dig was “he can make his own lunch”. No need for it.

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 14:00

Snapsnap1 · 12/08/2023 13:54

I think you just need to take out this exchange from the equation

MIL: I make my sons packed lunch

DIL: he can make his own lunch

Because if MIL had said: well I know but I like to do it....Then that would be a perfectly normal type of exchange.

The dig came from the 'well I love my son.....' so it was MIL who fired the first shot because that was unnecessary.

After that all gloves were off and to follow it up with 'I'm the first woman in his life' - I mean come on.... MIL got what she deserved.

Exactly this! ^

The MIL making the packed lunch is NOT the issue. She fired the first shot with her 'well I love my son' comment. Such a blatant dig a dig at OP, that she clearly can't love him if she questions why he can't make his own bloody sandwich. If my MIL said that to me, I'd be peeved too, so I can imagine OP's annoyance if she's put up with eight years of snide comments like that.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 14:00

Snapsnap1 · 12/08/2023 13:54

I think you just need to take out this exchange from the equation

MIL: I make my sons packed lunch

DIL: he can make his own lunch

Because if MIL had said: well I know but I like to do it....Then that would be a perfectly normal type of exchange.

The dig came from the 'well I love my son.....' so it was MIL who fired the first shot because that was unnecessary.

After that all gloves were off and to follow it up with 'I'm the first woman in his life' - I mean come on.... MIL got what she deserved.

Yep. Weird, possessive, Oedipal, and shows the apron strings have not been cut.

DH should have put in appropriate boundaries by now but it may suit him to have 2 women running round after him and fighting over him.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 14:00

@Blossomtoes
Do you have adult sons?

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 14:01

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 13:59

No the dig was “he can make his own lunch”. No need for it.

How is that a dig at the MIL though? That was a statement of fact that has a grown man the MIL shouldn't feel obliged to do it for him.

FlamingoQueen · 12/08/2023 14:02

I thought you meant that you would still be with dh long after she’d died! But, it made me chuckle! There’s no harm in fighting back!

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 14:03

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 14:01

How is that a dig at the MIL though? That was a statement of fact that has a grown man the MIL shouldn't feel obliged to do it for him.

Show quote history

It was a fact that didn’t need to be stated. Mil knows she’s not obliged, she wanted to.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 14:03

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 13:59

No the dig was “he can make his own lunch”. No need for it.

That’s not a dig it’s a statement of fact. He’s an adult he does not need his mother making him lunch every day. I wouldn’t let my mum do that for me. But my own mother has much better things to be doing with her time… This is symptomatic of a woman who has nothing in her life but her family.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 14:04

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 14:03

It was a fact that didn’t need to be stated. Mil knows she’s not obliged, she wanted to.

Show quote history

Of course it needed to be said. It should have been DH to say it though.

Topseyt123 · 12/08/2023 14:05

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 13:11

Well she has got what she wanted with crying as he is going to eat there tonight, I have told him to sleep there too.

I have invited a friend for dinner tonight to stop thinking about this. They can have their dinner date in peace.

You are coming across as deeply unpleasant.

She's irritating you, you don't get on. She loves her son, so do you. Why are you putting him in this situation? You could drive him away, and who could blame him?!

You'll probably say that you don't care if he does leave you, which is even more unpleasant.

I can't say I got on brilliantly with DH's mother. She was a prickly character. He had a sometimes tricky relationship with her too although they loved each other. I left them to it most of the time and only responded when it directly affected me.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 14:05

@Blossomtoes
It was a fact that didn’t need to be stated
Do you know what else is a fact that didn't need to be stated? "I make my son his lunches".
Why do you think she chose to state that fact?
Why do you think that fact should be stated, but "he can make his own" shouldn't?

OP posts: