Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

You’re both competing for the praise and status of looking after son/dh. Both similar
So what if his mum makes his lunch, doesn’t take anything away from you. At all
Plenty Irish, Greek, Italian, mammies are still fussing over their adult son. It’s a role that they like and want to maintain
You are both locked in unhealthy competition. Step back, let her be the mum. You be the wife. You were unnecessarily unkind to her

If my mum insisted I’d happily let her!

Far from having our blinkers in, I think OPs subsequent posts have opened everyone’s eyes!

He is not allowed back into his home, he must sleep at his mothers because OP says so, because he said he’d have a chat with his mum (which OP wanted), and because he says he’ll do it over a meal, then he is ordered to sleep there as well?

OP is so far wrong here it’s embarrassing, and who the hell has a conversation like this over text? Which the OP instigated!

I suspect choosing her a Christmas present will be the least of your worries at this rate.

Your response to her was amazing. I'm honestly so shocked at how many people have voted YABU and the only logical thing I can think of is that these are women who are exactly like your MIL.

Your husband sees her every morning and gets a packed lunch - is he 5?! Maybe look up enmeshed families and how mothers can often replace an emotional partnership with their sons. It might be helpful to understand her behavior and if relevant to the situation then you can also show hubby why it's a problem.

@BlastedIce
You are following this closely: what about the post where I describe her holding his face and kissing him over and over....because we had a small fight in the car. Is that normal for you?

This.

And I bet if you have sons you'll hate your DiLs too.

*He is not allowed back into his home, he must sleep at his mothers because OP says so, because he said he’d have a chat with his mum (which OP wanted), and because he says he’ll do it over a meal, then he is ordered to sleep there as well?

OP is so far wrong here it’s embarrassing, and who the hell has a conversation like this over text? Which the OP instigated!*

^^ Exactly!

This thread is nuts. I feel like I've strayed into an alternate universe where Mumsnet doesn't exist and it's MILsnet all the way!

Just because OP's tone is defensive and snippy doesn't mean she's the horrible person PP are saying she is. It means she's pissed off.

Just because the MIL is widowed doesn't make her a saint.

OP says she's put up with years of digs from her MIL that infer she doesn't look after her DP properly and is a shit homemaker, which PP are choosing to ignore – OP knows her MIL better than any of us do.

OP did snap back at her MIL over the packed lunch and did make a comment that must've been hurtful, but after eight years of digs, she clearly has little patience where her MIL is concerned. Are you all saying hand on heart you've never made a bitchy comment in the heat of the moment?

DP clearly takes MIL's side every. single. time. and likes being babied by his mum. He is not wrong in wanting that kind of relationship, but he doesn't seem to care it is standing in the way of the two women in his life having a decent relationship. He's playing them off against each other.

Few women – and none I know – would welcome their DP going round to his mum's every. single. morning. No cosy lie-ins, no breakfast in bed, no spontaneous morning sex, no cup of tea and a chat before he goes to work every. single. day. No wonder OP's fed up!

It's unlikely he is going to change his routine when they have DC. If they have a daughter, his mother may well think she still ranks higher than her too in terms of female hierarchy in his life. How nice for his child.

Arguably, MIL has now resorted to emotional manipulation to get her way and drive a wedge between OP and her DP. Again, being widowed doesn't make her a saint.

OP, you could have 20+ more years of this. I'd walk.

It is fine for your MIL to make your partner a packed lunch - it does not infer that he is incapable of doing it himself and would not do it if she had not done. It is just a kindness. Your response to this reflects your insecurities - you see it as interfering with your relationship.

Am I interfering with my DDs' relationships when I do them a kindness?

Did DP ask her to stop?

I think she was goading you and you retaliated. My advice to your MIL would be don't dish out what you can't take back.

Good for you OP. She was deliberately needling you.

You sound like a controlling prick OP!

You have a problem if she makes lunch for her own son! Wtf is YOUR problem with that? What does that even have to do with you?? She did ask you to do it - did she?

what if you are the last person in her life? She is still his mom!

Yes indeed. The weird, enmeshed and manipulative relationship that the OP appears to be doing her best to create between herself, her MiL and her unfortunate DP. And your comment about ‘little man has to go and see his mummy every day’ tells us pretty much all we need to know about you. Perhaps he’s just considerate enough to call in to check on his widowed mum on the way to work every day. Perhaps there are other contributing factors we’re not privy to. Did you ever stop to think of that ?

You sound awful.

That would also be my advice - to the OP !!

Lots of women are close to their mums, spend lots of time with them, no one says a word. Men are weirdly not supposed to be close to their mothers.

Being close to someone is not enmeshment. Unless the OP has a lot of more worrying info, there is nothing abnormal here.

@Inkpotlover
👏👏👏
Thank you ❤️

She is way overly enmeshed and it’s all very bizarre. Even more bizarre are the bonkers-MIL enabling comments. She’s nuts. Anyone here says she’s not needs a word.

But this is DH’s problem to solve not yours. She now has no-one but him and if he doesn’t address now it will simply get worse as time goes on.

You sound as bad as each other.

Nope, but neither is your behaviour normal, which came first?

What’s the situation with the home? Do you both have names on mortgage or tenancy?

@Didntmeanto6 A different perspective for you to consider-

I come from a European culture where it’s very normal for mothers /MILs to cook (and do washing) for their adult children/partners. It’s also very normal for adult children to visit their parents a least a couple of times a week, but some do go nearly every day.

This used to drive my (non-European) mum mental - and I totally understand why it would!

When my mum had children and then suddenly realised that she was incredibly lucky to have a MIL who got so much joy from cooking/looking after grandchildren. It gave my mum a break & gave my grandmother joy/purpose.

It might be possible that your MIL is not intentionally overstepping boundaries. Perhaps, this is the cultural norm for her & she genuinely is trying to show her love.

From the response of your DP, it doesn’t seem like this is something he will change.

If I were you, I would consider if this is a dealbreaker in your relationship. If it is, then that will be have to be the end & if not, then is consider reframing it as positive!

Maybe SHE should be grateful she has a DIL who doesn't "mind" the man going to see his mother every day

I’ve never read anything as gross as two grown women fighting over who gets to be ‘mum’ to a man.

No I disagree. I'm close to my mum and my sister, in fact we practically all live in the same street. Despite that, none of us would EVER use tears to manipulate the other into siding with them.
Yes of course mothers and daughters are close but so are many mothers and sons without acting this way. I don't care how close you are, it's not normal for a mother to try and make it seem like she loves her son more than his wife loves him and it's certainly not normal for her to be sending him off to work with a packed lunch like he's 6.
Also her husband's response that he would never be able to ask his mother to apologize and then still went and had dinner shows where he is in the relationship.

She sounds a bit overbearing, but why shouldn't she make his lunch if she and he like it that way. My DS is 22, you know what - I sometimes make him lunch and dinner too, especially if he's done long hours. But I have said YABU because what you said was nasty and whether you were referring to her death deliberately or not is irrelevant - it sounds like you were much were.