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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Made MIL cry?!

818 replies

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:16

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

OP posts:
Butterflywings2 · 12/08/2023 12:14

I would just hold my head up high and ignore, I think you were being a bit insentive tbh.

mealtickety · 12/08/2023 12:15

him

Scarlettpixie · 12/08/2023 12:15

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 10:46

I think tbh you were way too harsh you've basically told her she's going to die

This.

So what if she makes him food. Stop being so mean.

maypoll · 12/08/2023 12:16

What about your man child of a DP in all this? You say he's 43 so isn't he able to make his own decision about when he sees his mum and whether she makes his lunch or not? I bet he loves seeing you both squabbling over him.

Hooplahooping · 12/08/2023 12:16

5128gap · 12/08/2023 11:56

What fresh hell @Hooplahooping is 'the language of psychology and self actualisation' that women with adult sons apparantly grew up without?
Can you spell it out please, because despite being a MiL since my 40s, so the same generation as a lot of the DiLs on MN, I haven't the first clue what you're talking about.

I just mean that, inter generationally, the ideas + expectations change.

my mil can perfectly intellectually understand that my husband and I are adults have a very equal relationship - she would say she supports it - but her unconscious always defers to me (woman) cook and he (man) drive. When I have talked to her about maternal gatekeeping and asked her to let my husband / FIL be in charge of the children with out stepping in to ‘help’ all the time she genuinely hears me - and then it all flies out the window.

My expectation that I will have equal time to my husband for my own projects / creative outlets feels ‘demanding’ to her.

she’s a bright woman. She just grew up in a different time + different social world. Some of the things I find infuriating about her / she finds completely baffling about me are just a facet of growing up with different values, expectations + knowledge.

I can love her, without needing her to conform to my way of thinking, by acknowledging (to myself) that although we are from the same place we grew up in very different cultures.

Bodynegative · 12/08/2023 12:16

Dear God, she sounds like an absolute nightmare! What would she think if the roles were reversed? I do think that cultural backgrounds can have an influence on the way we behave, however British MILs can be just as bad, thinking that no one can be as close, if not closer, to their DS.

DinoRoar14 · 12/08/2023 12:17

AllOfThemWitches · 12/08/2023 12:13

OK, my point still stands. If your mum is regularly making you a packed lunch, it's time to grow the fuck up.

Show quote history

Oh get a bloody grip. Some people outside of MN are happy and actually love the people in their lives and their families. And some people show their love by little acts. Like making lunch. If my mum offered to make me lunch all the time I'd bite her hand off. And I don't need to grow up anymore.

Cakeandcardio · 12/08/2023 12:17

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:31

@Sparklfairy
Why should I just roll my eyes? She is the one who started down this path. I don't believe just because she's his mother I need to listen to:

  • her insinuating I'm a bad woman for not making this adult man a lunch
  • her insinuating she loves him more

...without responding

But she probably does love him more? Even if it's a bit weird and nasty to say it. Everyone knows nothing trumps a mother's love.

LuluBlakey1 · 12/08/2023 12:17

LuluBlakey1 · 12/08/2023 12:11

I can see your point OP. I think you probably have more examples but haven't told them here.
She sounds like she sees herself as 'Number 1' and I imagine that is mainly with sons. What often seems to go long with that is expecting adult children to be there at the drop of a hat...... almost obeisance from them.
It immediately gives her an authority/power .

I have a friend whose DH is Italian. The family came here when he and his siblings were young, and started a restaurant, which they still have and he and his son run it now. His mother- now in her 80s- is like this and always has been. My friend found it very difficult at times, particularly in the first few years before they had DC. Her DH saw his mother every day. He stopped before or after going to the restaurant . She made him food (because her cooking was 'the best', 'our home country cooking, not like the English make.'). She interfered in things that were nothing to do with her. Same with all her sons. It was bizarre- she had 8 children (4 boys, 3 girls) and 7 of them (8th in Italy) visited every day. After her husband died, it worsened and she would called 'meetings' and they all went - often over some triviality. She would ring for my friend's DH to go 'immediately' as she 'must see him, must' and it would be nothing - examples I recall were she was fed up with the buttons on her phone and wanted a new one, she had decided she wanted a new carpet, she wanted him to move a piece of furniture. It had to happen right then. He or his brothers just went. She had to come first in her mind. She kept an eye on how her DILs treated her sons and 'put them right' if she thought they weren't looking after them well enough. She speaks Italian to her children when their partners are there although she speaks excellent English. She is just controlling.

It changed when her sons had children of their own and couldn't just up and off along there. Her son who had gone back to Italy came back here and he is unmarried and lives with her and that also eased the situation but she still sees herself as the central, main figure in the family.

Perhaps a bit more extreme than yours but what always upset my friend wasn't her DH seeing his DM, it was his always putting her first, never standing up to her. She said he and his brothers were almost scared to upset her- not because of her anger but because she cried and was 'disappointed' and they just could not bear it.

I should add, I have met his family at parties, christenings, at home and at the restaurant and have always found her lovely- she is funny, charming and clearly a strong character and loves her children. They all adore her. But I know the tensions that exist underneath that. She barely speaks to the wife of her youngest son who she did not want him to marry. She is very difficult with his wife and his wife doesn't let it just wash over the way the other DILs do.

saraclara · 12/08/2023 12:17

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 12/08/2023 10:47

She didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t actually say that you don’t look after him did she? She made him lunch. Touch a nerve did it because you don’t? And “do you warm his milk for him” is just pathetic. And the final comment - could you be any more spiteful.

I don’t doubt there are some horrible MILs out there, but equally there are some bloody horrible DILs as well. We’re just expected to believe that the MIL is always the bitch by virtue of her being a MIL.

That.

For my MIL, food was a way of expressing love. She was pretty much incapable of visiting us without bringing food with her, or of letting us leave her home without pressing food on us to take home. It's just who she was, and it didn't mean that she didn't enjoy and appreciate the food we cooked or felt that I wasn't feeding my DH (or him feeding me) properly.
If love languages are real, food was definitely one of hers.

foolishone · 12/08/2023 12:18

CallieTR · 12/08/2023 11:58

I find the paradox of women spending loads of time with their mums fine but men doing it being considered weird very interesting. Anyway…..

I’m 40 and if I happen to see my Mum before work she’ll make me a packed lunch. She likes looking after people and as a full time working mother myself, sometimes it’s nice to feel looked after. Plus, her sandwiches are better than mine 😆

I find adult mothers and daughters who are still heavily enmeshed with each other weird too.
Especially if they describe each other as their best friends.

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 12:18

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 12:08

Well then address it with your DP? Stop blaming his mother?

Show quote history

Well of course OP should address it with her DP, but as his mother she should also tell him to get his arse back home and help with the kids! I suspect that won't happen though.

Emptyandsad · 12/08/2023 12:19

I started off thinking that you were unnecessarily combative, but, as I read the full thread, I find that I am just filled with admiration for your refusal to take any shit. You should run a professional anti-CF consultancy, because you obviously don't take any shit

However, this situation shouldn't have got so far and it is for your partner to resolve it. He has to demonstrate to his mum that he has chosen you and that you are the number one woman in his life now. That doesn't mean he doesn't love her, but it is natural for people to move on from their natal families and create a new family.

He has to manage the separation, the growing up process. If he leaves it to you then it becomes a competition between you and her

gooseduckchicken · 12/08/2023 12:19

Your MIL didn't go looking for an argument, you did. She told you she makes her son lunch; you were the one that insinuated things from her tone and told her she shouldn't do what she likes to do. Why is it a problem for you if she makes him lunch?

Also, she probably does love him more than you. I would say the majority of mothers do, it's an unconditional love unlike that between partners - statistically 50% of marriages will end up in divorce, I imagine the number of mothers that cut off their sons is a lot less.

JudgeRudy · 12/08/2023 12:19

NewIdeasToday · 12/08/2023 10:25

It sounds like you were very unkind to your MIL.

More like it sounds like you snapped back at your MIL after she made a snidey remark.....then followed up with more.

Whinge · 12/08/2023 12:20

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 12:18

Well of course OP should address it with her DP, but as his mother she should also tell him to get his arse back home and help with the kids! I suspect that won't happen though.

Show quote history

It won't happen, but that's because there are no children to look after.

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 12:21

AllOfThemWitches · 12/08/2023 12:13

OK, my point still stands. If your mum is regularly making you a packed lunch, it's time to grow the fuck up.

Show quote history

I disagree. When I visited my mum (as an adult mother myself) my mum would make me dinner or a sandwich and fuss around making me tea etc. it’s what mums do!! What difference does it make if it’s a packed lunch or a sit down lunch in her kitchen?

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 12:21

@AllOfThemWitches
Thank you!!

He didn't reply to my text saying he needs to solve this problem

OP posts:
5128gap · 12/08/2023 12:21

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 12:00

this may come back to haunt you when you are in her position

No because as the mother of an adult I wouldn't make them lunch, I wouldn't send them home with dinners and I wouldn't tell my DIL I was the first woman in their life because
A) it's creepy and
B) I will probably be continuing to work or will be retired and volunteering and would put my main energy in that

I wouldn't bet on it OP. Women don't have a personality transplant the day their sons find a partner. Invariably difficult older women were once difficult young ones.
A woman who is intolerant of other women, quick to criticise, interferes where she has no business, prides herself on winning arguments, struggles to see any perspective but her own and is competitive and territorial about the men in her life won't to be any one's dream MiL. No matter whether she makes her sons sandwiches or not.

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 12:22

JudgeRudy · 12/08/2023 12:19

More like it sounds like you snapped back at your MIL after she made a snidey remark.....then followed up with more.

Show quote history

Maybe OP just isn’t very likeable (I don’t think she comes across well on here).

Andthereyougo · 12/08/2023 12:22

Why does yoyr DP have to see her every morning? I get that she’s widowed, on her own, so am I but I don’t expect my DC to have to see me every day, or even every week.
Think twice then think again about having children with him, even moving away might not be enough.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 12:23

@gooseduckchicken
Maybe mothers do love their sons more, in fact they most certainly do.
But I'm interested to know why they want to tell their sons' sexual partners this.

OP posts:
Mischance · 12/08/2023 12:23

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 12:00

this may come back to haunt you when you are in her position

No because as the mother of an adult I wouldn't make them lunch, I wouldn't send them home with dinners and I wouldn't tell my DIL I was the first woman in their life because
A) it's creepy and
B) I will probably be continuing to work or will be retired and volunteering and would put my main energy in that

She only made the comment about "first woman" because you had a go at her.

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 12:23

You have my sympathy, OP. This sounds like a deep-rooted and complex problem, which is understandably difficult to navigate. On your part it must be genuinely irritating to see your husband constantly infantilised like that, and allowing it to continue. You've found yourself in a ridiculous 'competition' for his affections, with lots of power games.

You don't say much about your mil's background, but she sounds like the kind of woman whose adult life has revolved around her husband and children, and who hasn't developed mental independence or emotional maturity. The kind of mil who inevitably sees her daughter-in-law as a threat.

You dh also needs to grow up, and understand that playing mummy's best boy is deeply unsexy. My advice is to start with him, see if talking things over will help him see that this situation is going to affect his marriage. I'd recommend that he stops being at his mother's beck and call, and that he encourages her to develop a life outside the home, but first he needs to understand why you need an adult in your marriage, and not a little boy.

Ladybug14 · 12/08/2023 12:25

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:36

@FigTreeInEurope
No but very close ;)

She is always doing things like this. He often comes home with dishes to put in the oven because she "doesn't want him to be hungry". What the hell!

Oh, for goodness sake. Let her get on with it. It makes her feel valued and important

The person allowing all this babying (your partner) gives me the ICK , and I'd get rid of him if he were my partner

But let your poor MIL get on with trying to make herself feel important

The fact that MILs need for importance makes you competitive is a little strange.

Surely you know that you're the most important woman in your partners life?

Or maybe you don't....aaaaaannnd we're back to DP being an utter nobhead again