Made MIL cry?!

[Didntmeanto6]

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

You gifted her the opportunity to strop off with your final comment.
In your position, I would stop the MIL childcare, limit contact with her and consider whether her son is the best person to be with long term.

@BlastedIce
Why did you question the packed lunch
Why did she tell me about the lunch?

Every single day? While you're at home trying to feed the kids their breakfast and get them ready and out of the door for school while getting yourself for work? Which is what OP will end up doing if this continues long-term (she did say MIL is only 60, so it's likely). That's not caring for his mum, that's taking his partner for a mug.

You're as bad as each other and fighting over your man child husband is pretty grim.

Well then address it with your DP? Stop blaming his mother?

You’re not sounding very nice, did you write that with a face of granite?

Oh but not as much as they love trying to make random women on the internet feel shit.

Of course if a woman's mum.was making her lunch it would be fine. Usual. mumsnet double standards.

I think it's important to challenge dickhead behaviour. However, I don't think MIL did anything particularly wrong. You were unnecessarily abrasive and confrontational.

MIL I make DS lunch because I love him.

You She is implying I don't love him. Is implying she loves him more than me.

instead That's nice I'm sure he appreciates the thought.

Ultimately she is his mum. He must like her yo visit every day. Whatever you think she will always love him more than you. Her love is unconditional and unwavering. She will be his mother forever. You are a choice he is making right now.

Don't get me wrong you need to address shit behaviour but you also need to pick your battles.

I’d love to hear MiL’s versions of events. Yes maybe she is a (s)mother but the OP doesn’t come across (in many of her posts) as a DiL anyone would be thrilled to have.

What self respecting woman would allow her mother to make her a packed lunch every day!?

I would add (to my previous post) that I find your thread title rather telling in a way. You sound almost proud of having made her cry, and that does say something about you, no matter how irritating she can be.

There's nothing in any of your posts that I would find anything other than mildly irritating. The rest I would just not bother engaging with and do my own thing.

Seems fairly straightforward.

OP is jealous of the relationship her partner has with his mother …I do wonder what OPs relationship with her own mother was like.

Mothers express their love for their children in lots of ways .. some do use food, her making him food is her way of saying “I love you”. Also they seem to outwardly express love for each other - which OP is clearly uncomfortable with. That’s not “wrong” it’s who they are - if that’s not the family you want to become part of, you need to make the decision not to be part of it.

My MIL is a very very different person to me, but, 20 years in we are good.

You misinterpreted something she said and were upset, so you snapped at her. She misinterpreted something you said, and got upset, and had a cry. A bit of misunderstanding all round I think.

I think if you actually want to have a productive conversation with her you've got to empathize a bit and put to bed this notion that she's trying to manipulate anyone. If she's as close to him as you've said it's no wonder what you said struck a nerve. And frankly I think you were unnecessarily snippy when she was trying to do something nice. Explain how her comment came across so she can understand too, but you won't move forward unless you can look at yourself.

FWIW my mum makes me dinner and lunch and does my washing when I'm home, and gives me a hug if I'm upset. Not that often as I'm far away, but if DH made some snide comment about it then he'd get short shrift from me!

I can see your point OP. I think you probably have more examples but haven't told them here.
She sounds like she sees herself as 'Number 1' and I imagine that is mainly with sons. What often seems to go long with that is expecting adult children to be there at the drop of a hat...... almost obeisance from them.
It immediately gives her an authority/power .

I have a friend whose DH is Italian. The family came here when he and his siblings were young, and started a restaurant, which they still have and he and his son run it now. His mother- now in her 80s- is like this and always has been. My friend found it very difficult at times, particularly in the first few years before they had DC. Her DH saw his mother every day. He stopped before or after going to the restaurant . She made him food (because her cooking was 'the best', 'our home country cooking, not like the English make.'). She interfered in things that were nothing to do with her. Same with all her sons. It was bizarre- she had 8 children (4 boys, 3 girls) and 7 of them (8th in Italy) visited every day. After her husband died, it worsened and she would called 'meetings' and they all went - often over some triviality. She would ring for my friend's DH to go 'immediately' as she 'must see him, must' and it would be nothing - examples I recall were she was fed up with the buttons on her phone and wanted a new one, she had decided she wanted a new carpet, she wanted him to move a piece of furniture. It had to happen right then. He or his brothers just went. She had to come first in her mind. She kept an eye on how her DILs treated her sons and 'put them right' if she thought they weren't looking after them well enough. She speaks Italian to her children when their partners are there although she speaks excellent English. She is just controlling.

It changed when her sons had children of their own and couldn't just up and off along there. Her son who had gone back to Italy came back here and he is unmarried and lives with her and that also eased the situation but she still sees herself as the central, main figure in the family.

Perhaps a bit more extreme than yours but what always upset my friend wasn't her DH seeing his DM, it was his always putting her first, never standing up to her. She said he and his brothers were almost scared to upset her- not because of her anger but because she cried and was 'disappointed' and they just could not bear it.

Ultimately she is his mum. He must like her yo visit every day. Whatever you think she will always love him more than you. Her love is unconditional and unwavering. She will be his mother forever. You are a choice he is making right now.

Oh god, my skin is crawling.

She does love him more, she’s his mother.

I wouldn’t get into an argument with any of DS’ future partners over it, but if any of them told me they loved him more or as much as I do I would inwardly chuckle.

Partners/wives/husbands come and go along with their love and depth of feeling for their partner/spouse. It’s very different for parents.

It's not every day. she sometimes makes him a packed lunch

Leave her alone why can't she make lunch for him. It's her only thing she has you have a family.
Also by saying you will be "his last" implies some gloomy death related thought.... it was a horrible thing to say

OK, my point still stands. If your mum is regularly making you a packed lunch, it's time to grow the fuck up.

This!

You just need to ignore it Op. Be the bigger person and don't be drawn into little tit for tat comments. Yes her making him lunch sounds a little OTT, but at least it saves your food shopping!!

I was responding to a post saying that they would just be glad someone else was making the lunch which implies the default would then be the OP. OP doesn't want to make the lunch from what I can tell, like me she reckons he could make his own.

It would bother me a bit that his mum was babying him in this way and promoting this idea that women are there to serve their men. He could be making his own packed lunch, or even, hold on to your hats here, sometimes making lunch for both himself and partner. or his mum. Or all three of them.

You sound so much worse than here. I feel so sorry for your DH. I don't think he'll be around for much longer - and who could blame him. You sound full of spite and hate.

OP, if it's any consolation, if your MIL had posted this exact story, the very same people who are criticising you would be telling her how awful she is. Don't take it personally.

Looks like he DOES a lot for her- fine!

So she feels she can do a packed lunch for his so HE doesn't need to make time to make it. It probably even make her happy to be doing something for him as he does the big things.

Likewise with dishes to put in the oven.

I think you both (MIL and you) dislike each other.