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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH outburst

150 replies

MN224 · 11/08/2023 21:51

Yesterday my normally placid DH totally lost it with our DD age 13. She answered him back and shouted at him, and he responded by getting up into her face and screaming at her that she was a spoilt brat, a joke and a disgrace. Obviously lots of tears from DD and heartfelt apologies; to note she is an angel child we don’t have any issues.

So after an hour I confront DH like WTAF was that all about?? I said she was a child he is an adult and that behaviour was totally unacceptable and inappropriate. He responded saying she was being cheeky. He later apologised and they made up. I was really annoyed with myself I didn’t step in to stop him when it was happening. To be clear this was in a public park. Honestly think if this was witnessed the police may have been called.

I have been totally shocked by this outburst and am pretty much ignoring DH at present. He took himself off today on his own because I was ruining his day off by sulking with him.

So AIBU for being outraged at his horrific behaviour? Or since he has apologised do I just get l over it?? TIA

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 11/08/2023 21:54

No, you don’t get over it. If it happens again you consider your future.

mbosnz · 11/08/2023 21:55

I think you need to talk to your daughter and find out how she is feeling.

KajsaKavat · 11/08/2023 21:56

I don’t understand peoples voting here. Of course you’re not unreasonable, he is 100%
it’s worrying that your DD got to him so much that he lost it and I would wonder how soon until that happened again.

Dacadactyl · 11/08/2023 21:57

Well if its out of character for him, what was your DD doing?

I think we've all lost the plot at teenagers now and again, it happens!

KajsaKavat · 11/08/2023 21:57

KajsaKavat · 11/08/2023 21:56

I don’t understand peoples voting here. Of course you’re not unreasonable, he is 100%
it’s worrying that your DD got to him so much that he lost it and I would wonder how soon until that happened again.

Clarifying that I don’t mean I’m blaming DD here, only “D”H

Hivaluegirl · 11/08/2023 22:00

Something else is going on in his life and he is taking it out on her because she's an easy target
I suggest you get to the bottom of it

Original poster
MN224 · 11/08/2023 22:00

DD was practising sprints, she was struggling a bit and DH asked her if she was getting it tough to which she shouted at him yes I am. It escalated from there. He said well we are all going home, she replied fine then, the he lost it. Was really uncalled for imo.

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 11/08/2023 22:03

Was he resentful he was out with you and dd when he would rather have been somewhere else perhaps?

Original poster
MN224 · 11/08/2023 22:07

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 11/08/2023 22:03

Was he resentful he was out with you and dd when he would rather have been somewhere else perhaps?

Possibly, I would’ve liked to have been somewhere else too but I certainly wouldn’t be screaming at my DD over it.

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 11/08/2023 22:07

I think we've all lost the plot at teenagers now and again, it happens!
Apologies have taken place.
Are you wanting this one off incident to be of significance to the future of your family situation/marriage?

Diddykong · 11/08/2023 22:07

So he's a competitive dad. If my dad had done that to me I'd never do sprints again and it would wreck the relationship.

Paq · 11/08/2023 22:08

Teenagers can absolutely push parents' buttons. We're not automatons. If this is a one off and he's apologised then it's unfortunate but not terminal.

TeaKitten · 11/08/2023 22:09

How is your daughter feeling after it?

toddlermom99 · 11/08/2023 22:11

Don't be surprised if this is the first of many incidents like this. My abuse started from age 12/13 and steadily got worse and worse - I resent my mom for not keeping me safe like she should have. Hopefully this is a one off, but I doubt it.

Brightandshining · 11/08/2023 22:12

How did he apologise? Did he genuinely mean it and not try and justify his outburst?
If it was a one off and he gave a genuine apology and seems mortified id probably let it go. Not unreasonable to be disturbed by it at all he should not have done that...
However if he's brushing it off and thinks it was justified id be having serious thoughts about him and if I wanted to be with him.
And id talk to your daughter about how his outburst was unacceptable but also not really her fault as adults can get very stressed sometimes about unrelated stuff then just snap about something minor.. and that its a flaw and loss of control in the adult not her responsibility. And assure her you are going to make sure it doesnt happen again.

billy1966 · 11/08/2023 22:12

Hivaluegirl · 11/08/2023 22:00

Something else is going on in his life and he is taking it out on her because she's an easy target
I suggest you get to the bottom of it

This.

I wouldn't be letting this go.

Your husband has something going on but thatblevelnof aggression to a 13
year old child is 100% completely unacceptable.

I would need to know why and wouldn't take any bullshit from him until you know the reason for such a completely unacceptable reaction to her.

I sure as hell wouldn't be leaving him with her on her own as this was so unusual.

saraclara · 11/08/2023 22:14

He apologised to her, he apologised to you. If you were continuing to make a big deal of it next day, you weren't helping your daughter.

Did she accept his apology? Were they okay afterwards? Then you should have put it to bed (for now). Obviously if this happens again, that's another thing. But I think most of us have verbally lost it unnecessarily once or twice. I know I did. I still recall my daughters' shocked faces when the incident I'm thinking of happened. And that was probably 25 years ago.

KajsaKavat · 11/08/2023 22:15

toddlermom99 · 11/08/2023 22:11

Don't be surprised if this is the first of many incidents like this. My abuse started from age 12/13 and steadily got worse and worse - I resent my mom for not keeping me safe like she should have. Hopefully this is a one off, but I doubt it.

This is exactly how I’m thinking too.

Alargeoneplease89 · 11/08/2023 22:15

He's normally placid, they have made up. Yes probably not his finest hour but you didn't intervene at the time and now giving him the silent treatment- sounds like your DD is acting more mature then you.

Obviously my opinion would be different if it happened more than once but if your DD has forgiven him then seems abit pointless you acting this way.

KajsaKavat · 11/08/2023 22:18

sk many of yoj kn here are seriously saying a grown authority figure can ck w right up in a 13 years olds face and scream at her and that’s not abuse. I’m beyond shocked at how people are normalising this.

of course we all loose it yes but do we become abusive bullies, no probably not.

CringeLicious · 11/08/2023 22:18

Alargeoneplease89 · 11/08/2023 22:15

He's normally placid, they have made up. Yes probably not his finest hour but you didn't intervene at the time and now giving him the silent treatment- sounds like your DD is acting more mature then you.

Obviously my opinion would be different if it happened more than once but if your DD has forgiven him then seems abit pointless you acting this way.

This.

Original poster
MN224 · 11/08/2023 22:18

He said that if she reacted to a peer the way she did, DD could possibly be slapped/punched so he was teaching her a lesson. I doubt this as my
DD is really gentle by nature.

He said she started it, agreed he overreacted however does not understand why I have such a problem with it.

Married 16 years also have another two DC aged 11 and 6. They witnessed this outburst.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 11/08/2023 22:22

I think if the OP suggests police might have been called had it been witnessed then it must have been some scene.

I say this as someone who has let totally rip a few times!!

That level of aggression from a grown man towards a 13 year old child is not the same as a small apoplectic menopausal woman who is being given attitude by a 6ft son and not accepting it.
Likewise mothers with daughters IMO.

I would be deeply concerned.

It wouldn't happen a second time around me.

I think the OP needs to know what the hell is going on.

No man would be allowed to treat my daughters like this.

The dynamic is too off IMO.

HungryandIknowit · 11/08/2023 22:24

Reading your post I don't understand the scenario that caused the issue (what does 'getting it tough' mean and why is her shouting back 'yes I am' cheeky?). In any case I wouldn't be impressed with him. Your husband is a grown up and should behave accordingly.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/08/2023 22:24

MN224 · 11/08/2023 22:18

He said that if she reacted to a peer the way she did, DD could possibly be slapped/punched so he was teaching her a lesson. I doubt this as my
DD is really gentle by nature.

He said she started it, agreed he overreacted however does not understand why I have such a problem with it.

Married 16 years also have another two DC aged 11 and 6. They witnessed this outburst.

Gosh.

I think you need to raise it with him again in a few days. Ask him if honestly really and truly did he think 'I need to teach my daughter about the real world right now' in that moment or did he just snap?

Try and see if there are any pressures he's under or things he's worried about now that are making him act out of character. Not that it's an excuse but it's good to rule that out and get him help if there is.

Then agree ground rules for teenagers being rude and how to handle it. Not that she was rude, but that's subjective.

I think looking up some resources about anger management and sore spots. What wound was pressed when she said that? It triggered something in him for sure from his past. He should explore that.