DH outburst

[MN224]

Yesterday my normally placid DH totally lost it with our DD age 13. She answered him back and shouted at him, and he responded by getting up into her face and screaming at her that she was a spoilt brat, a joke and a disgrace. Obviously lots of tears from DD and heartfelt apologies; to note she is an angel child we don’t have any issues.

So after an hour I confront DH like WTAF was that all about?? I said she was a child he is an adult and that behaviour was totally unacceptable and inappropriate. He responded saying she was being cheeky. He later apologised and they made up. I was really annoyed with myself I didn’t step in to stop him when it was happening. To be clear this was in a public park. Honestly think if this was witnessed the police may have been called.

I have been totally shocked by this outburst and am pretty much ignoring DH at present. He took himself off today on his own because I was ruining his day off by sulking with him.

So AIBU for being outraged at his horrific behaviour? Or since he has apologised do I just get l over it?? TIA

That is not 'being cheeky its a girl upset that she's finding the sprints difficult. No one in their right mind woukd have that reaction to their child being a bit frustrated. Yes she shouldn't have shouted but if it were my child idve just ignored that because its a child they struggle to regulate their emotions if they are finding something hard.. idve maybe said 'hey its not big deal no need to shout at me'
A public verbal tirade about how shes a disgrace and a joke is so OTT its ridiculous. Really scary. I imagine she was terrified. And all it teaches her is to try and bottle up her emotions so she doesnt set anyone else off.. your parents should be the people supporting you in learning how to deal with disappointment and frustration.. not there abusing you into silence. I feel so sad for her.

Was this the final straw of her being rude or cheeky to him. He doesn’t sound like he was being very nice but if he has had her being rude and answering back it makes more sense that he lost it with her. I think you need to be careful calling her an angel child: it suggests that maybe you don’t always see or acknowledge her flaws and maybe her dad does? Obviously if this is a pattern of behaviour he continues you have a problem but if it’s just a one off I would let it go

No, I wouldn't. Splitting up the family would cause a lot more angst to the kids than an isolated incident of shouting.

This can, and should be, worked on.

I don't understand the incident either. Of course he shouldn't have screamed in her face but if it's out of character, then he needs to consider why whatever it was triggered him and plan how to act differently in future.

You describe her as an "angel child" which I find worrying. No child is an angel and 13 is often the age where behaviour can become more difficult for parents. You both need to consider how you will manage these changes and deal with them appropriately so you're not caught off guard.

Refusing to speak to your DH afterwards really isn't appropriate behaviour either and not something you should be modelling to your children. That's very passive aggressive which is another abusive way to behave.

Talk to your DH. Ignore the hysteria expressed here (unless you have omitted a significant back story).

I know me too. I cried along with DD last night and told her how sorry I was that I didn’t do anything to help.

but today I am the worst in the world according to DH. I can’t even bear to look at him never mind talk to him.

Leave him be for a couple of days - he knows he's in the wrong and is deflecting. Give him time to think about his behaviour.

Do you mean finding it tough? Sorry if I'm being dense but not familiar with the language. The way you've described it has made him sound awful though, and her writing a letter to appease him - when she hasn't really done anything wrong - makes me feel sad for her.

Oh goodness, this is awful . . .

"DD worships her dad - she wrote him a letter to say how sorry she was and how thankful she was to have him as a dad"
That is sick.
Please please speak to her about how this isn't her fault and how he reacted was unacceptable.
Think about what this is teaching her about relationships.
Hes showing her she can't have any negative emotions or ever be critical or angry with him because the fury of his response will eclipse it.
She wasn't even being cheeky. She was responding quite understandably, to him expecting too much of her and then poking fun at her.

I agree, tentatively. Something is going on and it isn't necessarily a chronic issue that is threaded through the entire marriage. I know the default here is to "LTB", but if this is out of the ordinary, then I think the benefit of the doubt should be given to see if there isn't something that is surfacing that could be worked through.

OP just for clarification, I'm not saying what he did was in any way OK or excusable but at the same time are you minimising what she did and said? Was there a build up to this or out of nowhere?

That is sick

Well I hesitated to use that word but yes, absolutely - this is sick.

Do you think he felt that she was 'dissing' him in public and that's why he reacted so strongly?

No build up just what I’ve said here. Definitely not minimising it.

This ⬆

Sorry I also don’t understand the phrase ‘getting it tough’?

@Lookingatthesunset
It may be an isolated incident but its come from somewhere. Breaking up a family is in no way as traumatic as allowing abuse and this is abuse. 'Angel child' writing a fawning letter to apologise for a tiny moment of anger, crying all night with her mum about it... im sorry but it sounds like she is afraid of him.. thats not from just this incident is it?

He needs to apologise to everyone and have anger counselling as a minimum. What a melt.

It sounds like she’s afraid to loose his love, yes. Very much that.
writjng letters I did in every toxic relationship I was in because I was terrified to have lost their love.
poor girl.

Is he weird with you as well as with your daughter, or is he just weird with your daughter?

That is sick.

Totally agree. It is utterly disturbing that he was totally abusive to her, she responded naturally (not even rudely) and is now falling all over herself to appease him and make him happy…

Please, for the love of fuck, tell me you see how utterly twisted that is, @MN224?

I wouldn't refer to one incident as 'abuse', "abusive" yes, but it's happened once in 13 years of being a dad.

If the Op's DH does it again, then he is abusive and the OP will have to consider her position carefully.

Anyone is capable of flying off the handle occasionally - well, bar all the sainted ones posting here...!

I don't get these threads. Are you just offloading because what can we do about it?
We either agree with you and you find a problem with your DH or we tell you not to worry.
You're child was probably rude to him when he was helping her and he yelled at her. So what?
Maybe she needed to be told off.
Most teenagers have moments of being awful.
It's all the hormones.
I'm glad my 16 year old is now 17 because something clicked and he's not an arsehole anymore.
Just talk to your DH about it.
One day you might lose your shit with her so be aware of how you react with him.

Hang on…. Your dad wrote a letter to her dad apologising? He’s annoyed with you since his outburst. You stood there and said nothing until an hour later?
Youre asking on here if it’s ok?
Look - teenagers can be extremely testing at times and everyone shouts back at them but what you have described wasn’t even bad from her! God help you all when she is 16/17/18
honestly I really think you need to tell her she didn’t need to write a letter of apology - he’s the adult.

Dd not dad