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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH outburst

150 replies

MN224 · 11/08/2023 21:51

Yesterday my normally placid DH totally lost it with our DD age 13. She answered him back and shouted at him, and he responded by getting up into her face and screaming at her that she was a spoilt brat, a joke and a disgrace. Obviously lots of tears from DD and heartfelt apologies; to note she is an angel child we don’t have any issues.

So after an hour I confront DH like WTAF was that all about?? I said she was a child he is an adult and that behaviour was totally unacceptable and inappropriate. He responded saying she was being cheeky. He later apologised and they made up. I was really annoyed with myself I didn’t step in to stop him when it was happening. To be clear this was in a public park. Honestly think if this was witnessed the police may have been called.

I have been totally shocked by this outburst and am pretty much ignoring DH at present. He took himself off today on his own because I was ruining his day off by sulking with him.

So AIBU for being outraged at his horrific behaviour? Or since he has apologised do I just get l over it?? TIA

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/08/2023 22:24

She answered him back and shouted at him,
to note she is an angel child we don’t have any issues.

Angel child?
That looks like a perfectly normal strop from a teenager. So, no angel.

Is that unusual for her?

Lookingatthesunset · 11/08/2023 22:25

Normally placid dad loses his shit with teenager.

It happens. You've a lot more teen years to go in your house. You need to work on a united approach.

This whole LTB crap for the slightest misdemeanour is really getting on my nerves!! This is not in the territory of breaking up a family. Shit happens. It's life. If he did it on a regular basis, then that would be different.

I really wonder how some of you stay married!!

Lookingatthesunset · 11/08/2023 22:27

KajsaKavat · 11/08/2023 22:18

sk many of yoj kn here are seriously saying a grown authority figure can ck w right up in a 13 years olds face and scream at her and that’s not abuse. I’m beyond shocked at how people are normalising this.

of course we all loose it yes but do we become abusive bullies, no probably not.

Can I just point out to you that bullying is a series of events, not a one-off, so it is not an appropriate word to be bandying around here!!

Remembermynamealways · 11/08/2023 22:30

This is absolutely not okay.
In your place I would want to discuss it fully.

Consider counselling, ultimately I would give him an ultimatum: if he ever treats the children like that again - ever again, our relationship is over. There is no way I would ever let anyone scream in the face of my daughter. His card would be well and truly marked.

Brightandshining · 11/08/2023 22:30

@Lookingatthesunset you wouldn't consider you might have to leave your DH if he shouted in your child's face that she was a joke, in a public park in front of her siblings??
Sorry but I really would. Id be deeply shocked. Im not saying id actually break up the marriage because id like to think my husband, for whom that woukd be extremely out of character, would realise how awful what he had done was and try and address it. However it sounds like OPs husband is trying to justify it which is really worrying.
Its not acceptable. And he made the child cry with fear and shock.. a 13 year old. Horrible. That kind of thing has lasting psychological impact. And who on earth calls their child a 'joke' wtf?!?

MixedTocopherols · 11/08/2023 22:30

I don't understand the scenario that caused the issue (what does 'getting it tough' mean and why is her shouting back 'yes I am' cheeky?).

Same, I don’t understand what this means at all.

Ghosttofu99 · 11/08/2023 22:30

It’s not clear from the scenario you gave why what your DD said was cheeky/unacceptable but if a peer was to slap or punch her for being a little load or annoying that would be totally unacceptable and horrible behaviour too so not sure why your DP is giving that as some kind of life lesson?! Why does your DD need to be terrified that anyone she interacts with might behave in an abusive manner? He lost it and I agree with others that there is something else going on in his life bothering him and he is taking it out on her. (If he genuinely isn’t usually like this)

Ghosttofu99 · 11/08/2023 22:31

*loud

KajsaKavat · 11/08/2023 22:31

Lookingatthesunset · 11/08/2023 22:27

Can I just point out to you that bullying is a series of events, not a one-off, so it is not an appropriate word to be bandying around here!!

Show quote history

Abusive bullying behaviour is definitely a term to use here. Should I just say he is an abusive bully then?! Either way, he would be far gone if he was in my family. No kid should grow up with that.

Original poster
MN224 · 11/08/2023 22:32

I think he called her a joke because she was struggling with the sprints - makes the whole thing even worse 😥

OP posts:
Remembermynamealways · 11/08/2023 22:33

By allowing this you are enabling your dh to abuse dd, and letting her know it’s okay for men to bully and intimidate her. How is she now op? The man she trusted and loved has betrayed her. It’s very painful

Brightandshining · 11/08/2023 22:34

@MN224 do you mean to say he got angry with her because she wasn't doing well enough at the running?? That is so awful

Remembermynamealways · 11/08/2023 22:34

MN224 · 11/08/2023 22:32

I think he called her a joke because she was struggling with the sprints - makes the whole thing even worse 😥

Yes it does. Ridiculing is bullying.
He is openly and publicly bullying and humiliating her.

Frankenpug23 · 11/08/2023 22:34

He needs to sort this and quickly as it will get worse - hormonally and just generally she will press his buttons and he cannot respond like this all the time.

He is the adult here and needs to behave as such! My 17yo DD and her Dad are so similar but they also wind each other up every now and again! DH has learnt to leave it, grit his teeth and then go back and talk about why (the behaviour/ issue) was unacceptable- when its calmed down. Otherwise we would be permanently living in a battle field.

Original poster
MN224 · 11/08/2023 22:34

MixedTocopherols · 11/08/2023 22:30

I don't understand the scenario that caused the issue (what does 'getting it tough' mean and why is her shouting back 'yes I am' cheeky?).

Same, I don’t understand what this means at all.

Getting it tough with running - she was

she shouted that she was to his face and DH perceived this as being cheeky

OP posts:
Remembermynamealways · 11/08/2023 22:35

MN224 · 11/08/2023 22:34

Getting it tough with running - she was

she shouted that she was to his face and DH perceived this as being cheeky

Show quote history

Bloody hell. That’s nothing op.

KajsaKavat · 11/08/2023 22:35

Remembermynamealways · 11/08/2023 22:34

Yes it does. Ridiculing is bullying.
He is openly and publicly bullying and humiliating her.

Show quote history

Oh dear you’ve used the bullying word now @Lookingatthesunset will tell you that is only true if it happens on several occasions 🙄🙄🙄

anyway, totally agree

Remembermynamealways · 11/08/2023 22:35

As in I wouldn’t even class that as cheeky or rude of her.

Original poster
MN224 · 11/08/2023 22:36

DD worships her dad - she wrote him a letter to say how sorry she was and how thankful she was to have him as a dad

OP posts:
Frankenpug23 · 11/08/2023 22:37

Calling her a joke is totally unacceptable- he needs to grow up!

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 11/08/2023 22:38

Your husband is overly invested in your daughter's performance because in some way takes it personally - as if he were the one who wasn't quite 'getting it tough'. Ask him if he can he relate to someone screaming in his face and telling him he wasn't good enough. If he can, then there's the cause of it all. The solution is more difficult, because he is going to have to fucking pull himself together and take full responsibility for his history and his reactions in all of it. His behaviour was inexcusable, even if it was explicable. It's time for him to grow the fuck up.

Ghosttofu99 · 11/08/2023 22:39

Lookingatthesunset · 11/08/2023 22:27

Can I just point out to you that bullying is a series of events, not a one-off, so it is not an appropriate word to be bandying around here!!

Show quote history

Waiting for more clarification but the subtext seems that DD is usually very meek and compliant but the one time she did not behave as preferred by DF he totally raged at her. In that context, (walking continually on eggshells) it could be a
form of coercive control/bullying but not 100% clear.

LittleAlexHornn · 11/08/2023 22:39

MN224 · 11/08/2023 22:36

DD worships her dad - she wrote him a letter to say how sorry she was and how thankful she was to have him as a dad

Sorry for what?! Sounds like she didn't nothing wrong!

I can't believe you didn't intervene.

goodbyestranger · 11/08/2023 22:39

DD worships her dad - she wrote him a letter to say how sorry she was and how thankful she was to have him as a dad

Wow there's a weird dynamic going on here.

Your husband sounds deeply unpleasant.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 11/08/2023 22:39

MN224 · 11/08/2023 22:36

DD worships her dad - she wrote him a letter to say how sorry she was and how thankful she was to have him as a dad

Oh no. No no no. This is awful, and you know it.