DH outburst

[MN224]

Yesterday my normally placid DH totally lost it with our DD age 13. She answered him back and shouted at him, and he responded by getting up into her face and screaming at her that she was a spoilt brat, a joke and a disgrace. Obviously lots of tears from DD and heartfelt apologies; to note she is an angel child we don’t have any issues.

So after an hour I confront DH like WTAF was that all about?? I said she was a child he is an adult and that behaviour was totally unacceptable and inappropriate. He responded saying she was being cheeky. He later apologised and they made up. I was really annoyed with myself I didn’t step in to stop him when it was happening. To be clear this was in a public park. Honestly think if this was witnessed the police may have been called.

I have been totally shocked by this outburst and am pretty much ignoring DH at present. He took himself off today on his own because I was ruining his day off by sulking with him.

So AIBU for being outraged at his horrific behaviour? Or since he has apologised do I just get l over it?? TIA

I suspect it just happened to be out in the open and in a park.

I doubt this is an isolated incident and that all of the rest of the time, husband is sweet . . .

*goadily not gossipy - serves me right for making up words 😂

In your opinion.

In my opinion, OP might be an unreliable witness as she's used words like 'horrific' and 'outraged' and spent some time crying with her daughter about it what seems like the day after. Which seems over the top dramatic to me. Especially as OP also describes this as out of character behaviour.

I have said YABU as sulking is really bloody childish and tedious.

"Horrific" really?
I think OP you've made problems for yourself in your marriage because when your kids get older you will not be a united front with your husband and your kids will walk all over you.
It doesn't actually affect me what you do in your marriage but you did ask.

No, not my opinion, I was just stating what had happened.

Well done for minimalising what was clearly abusive behaviour against a child and gaslighting the OP . . .

This sounds really odd as a one off. Is he a bit like this usually? Is he ott and goady, especially about sport? Also the ‘hero’ worship is too much. Does he have a very big ego? I would suggest an evaluation of the whole dynamic which has somehow lead to this.

Your dd is 13 and has been an angel child. When she exhibited fairly typical teenager behaviour your dh lost it a bit. Very easy, lovely children answering back or shouting is really shocking the first time it happens but you can't be losing it like your dh did.

He needs to start reading about teenagers and moderating his own reactions or the next few years are going to be miserable for everyone. Your dd was rude - but she is 13. He overreacted - he isn't 13. He needs to start educating himself about the years ahead and how to deal lovingly with teens.

And also ... what a delicate flower he is that he can't take a 13 year old raising her voice to him. A "don't talk to me like that" is plenty reaction to that.

I don't know OP. I suspect you have a whole back story with him that makes this so disturbing for you.

If dh had reacted like that and I had called him on it, he would probably be upset - at himself. He certainly wouldn't be sulking.

The letter rings alarm bells for me, as a therapist, because it's common for children who are being abused to apologise to (and for) the abusive parent, even to insist that their parent is wonderful.

Of course this could be a one-off incident and hopefully won't happen again, but I think checking with your daughter how her dad behaves with her when they're alone is a good idea (and continuing to check in with her over time, too).

At best, the letter shows your daughter has, sadly, internalised the message that her dad thinks badly of her. From her perspective (and she might deny this as we can see things rationally while unconsciously believing the opposite deep inside) it must have been a terrible shock to discover that the father she adores and thought loved her actually sees her as a 'disgrace' and a 'joke'.

It's unbearable to imagine flaws in an idolised parent, or difficult to accept such an outburst from a parent who represents stability in a child's life, so the child takes the blame upon herself and believes she is the cause of such anger.

Hopefully this is a one-off, but the internalisation of her father's abusive words needs to be addressed.

Ideally, your husband should be able to see how important this is. He should make it clear to her not just that he was in the wrong to shout, but should also convince her with actions and words that he doesn't think she's a disgrace or a joke. He needs to make it very clear that he thinks she's wonderful (like she has tried to do for him in that letter: it should be him writing, speaking and showing those words to her).

Well I disagree with everything you've said. You weren't there anymore than I was, so how you're so certain of the intent and the delivery I'm not sure. You didn't state what happened, you C&P what OP had written.

OP posted literally with a poll inviting opinions. I've offered mine and you've offered yours. It's up to her what she wants to do.

Can I just point out, that you're quite happy to take at face value the 'horrific' nature of what happened, but you don't accept it when OP says this was an isolated incident?

Or is it only when it fits a certain narrative?

Like I said though, OP invited opinions. She's got them. She can act as she wishes.

@MN224 I still don't understand what 'getting it tough' means or why 'yes I am' is considered 'cheeky'

I do not understand why DD was apologising???

I don't have an issue with letter writing, I wrote lots of letters/notes from 8 to in my 20's, I found it much easier to express my thoughts in writing & without crying.

& no to the poster who suggested it was due to abuse! Not one bit of it.

@VinEtFromage but the letter writing is strange when it doesn't really sound like she had anything to apologise for, from the OP he was winding her up and she said something a bit snappily... what did he expect?!

Can I just point out, that you're quite happy to take at face value the 'horrific' nature of what happened, but you don't accept it when OP says this was an isolated incident?

anyone who has lived through an abusive childhood or relationship can read between the lines about this… everything screams that the dad is abusive, probably emotionally. She was so scared she had lost his love she wrote him a letter…

So the "angel child" is starting to find her voice and is challenging her father for the first time in her life and it looks like he can't stand it.

it's easy to be placid when you're "adored"... the measure of the man is how he responds to being challenged, and it doesn't look great going by this encounter.

Reading the original post I was on the fence thinking maybe she was an awful brat making a scene in public and I would let rip at my child if they mortified me in public at any age - especially 13+ but actually she did nothing and he humiliated her. He now doesn't know what he did wrong - or is pretending he doesn't so he doesn't have to feel bad.

What's he like generally? To you?

I have typically "angelic" children, but I would feel I've gone very wrong somewhere if they were a blubbering mess and felt the need to write me letters over an altercation like this one. She is being too "good" trying to appease a man at the expense of herself. It sets an awful precedent for a young girl. Her self-worth, confidence, ability to stand up for herself and say no, will all be eroded.

@KajsaKavat with respect, this isn't you, or your family. This is someone else relating a story that happened to them. In type. Not talking to you face to face. We can both read between the lines and come up with different stories.

Like I said to someone else - OP wanted opinions enough to post a poll; she has them. You and others think this is abuse. I and others think it's not.

She’s 13. This is only the start of her being a bit more volatile emotionally. If her dad can’t handle this one very minor occasion it’s not going to be a one off. It’s going to be years of misery and abuse, as any repeats of this behaviour from her dad is abuse territory.

But how can anyone suggest it isn’t abuse when a brown man screams in a young girls face, screams nasty things?
I don’t believe you would be ok with your DH doing that, even just the one time. Surely no parent would be ok with this, so why tell OP it’s not a big deal?

grown man not brown 🙄

Getting it tough? Do you mean 'finding it tough'?

Times have changed hugely. My parents beat the crap out of me and my brother. Strangely enough, they didn't do it to our younger sisters. I think they were of their time, and didn't know any better, but I still struggle to understand how they could have done it.

My father last beat me when I was 21 and had a disagreement with my younger sister. I clearly recall my mother knocking me to the floor, kicking me and standing with a kettle of boiling water over me, threatening to pour it.

At age 14, I remember crying to my granny who we lived with, telling her how much I wanted to leave home. She cried with me.

The other side of it was, they always did their best to ensure we had the toys/clothes etc that we wanted, even when they struggled to afford it. I wanted a Sindy sports car that couldn't be bought anywhere, and my mum advertised in a local newspaper and ended up buying a pristine one complete with box.

However, in older life, they were so supportive, the best parents they could have been. They had basically followed their parents' example (though I still don't understand how they did it). They helped pay for my wedding, and they were constantly plotting and planning things they could do for my children (eg buying a Teletubby when they were so hard to get, paying for 5 days in Disney Paris).

When we were up to our necks paying for childcare for three plus our mortgage, they paid for phone bills, bought the kids clothes, shoes and toys. bought me clothes, bought us groceries etc.

We lost both of them upwards of 20 years ago and they are so much missed!! Yes, I feel bad for how I was treated as a youngster, but they so much came good in later life. Nothing is ever black and white.

Teenagers do press your buttons sometimes, it doesn't sound like she did anything wrong though.

If it is an isolated incident then you need get ti the bottom of why he reacted the way he did and if its likely to happen again. She's 13, it's likely she'll test both your patience in the years to come. He needs to deal with it better and you need to talk, not sulk

You need to be speaking with your daughter privately and explaining that she did nothing to deserve that, and that she never deserves to be shouted at like that. It's really important that she hears this from you, that your husband's behaviour was completely unacceptable. He writing that letter is heartbreaking.

Sorry but what does ‘getting it tough’ mean? Also to the poster who said 'when a brown man screams', I don't remember OP saying their H was brown. Anyway, their colour is irrelevant.

I think you need to look at your DH's stress, hours worked etc etc, you said this is out of character and so there has to be something going on for this to have triggered him.