DH outburst

[MN224]

Yesterday my normally placid DH totally lost it with our DD age 13. She answered him back and shouted at him, and he responded by getting up into her face and screaming at her that she was a spoilt brat, a joke and a disgrace. Obviously lots of tears from DD and heartfelt apologies; to note she is an angel child we don’t have any issues.

So after an hour I confront DH like WTAF was that all about?? I said she was a child he is an adult and that behaviour was totally unacceptable and inappropriate. He responded saying she was being cheeky. He later apologised and they made up. I was really annoyed with myself I didn’t step in to stop him when it was happening. To be clear this was in a public park. Honestly think if this was witnessed the police may have been called.

I have been totally shocked by this outburst and am pretty much ignoring DH at present. He took himself off today on his own because I was ruining his day off by sulking with him.

So AIBU for being outraged at his horrific behaviour? Or since he has apologised do I just get l over it?? TIA

I think it is awful she apologised to him and that she obviously feels it is her fault and minimising him getting in her face and losing it. He is the adult and she is just a child. Losing tempers is one thing. Getting in someones face and screaming at them is abusive. As for the sulking because you do not agree with him. What a manchild. 🙄

I do you’re right.

he did say he overrated but I still don’t think he sees the damage he has done or how horrific it was.

honestly can’t even look at him I just don’t know what to do. Kids and him have carried on as nothing has happened.

some on here saying I should just let it go too???

I think that you contributed to DD's upset in crying with her. I'd probably have told mine that daddy was being a dick(insert other appropriate word!), given her a hug and said that you'd talk to him. A 13 year old writing a letter in this situation is very strange!

IMO crying with her just magnifies the whole situation.

This is not normal. This is not teenagers pushing buttons. Your husband has anger/control/inferiority issues and what he did was abusive. Urge him to seek professional support. This will really affect your children if it goes unchecked as it will happen again.

"Kids and him have carried on as nothing has happened"

Yes I'd move on.

Has nobody here yelled at their kids?!?!?

This is strange.

Thanks for both replies they are really insightful.

As I posted upthread @MN224 I think you should let things simmer down for a couple of days, and then have a serious talk with him. I do think he is probably feeling ashamed of his behaviour but trying to play it down. If he's not speaking to you, you aren't going to get anywhere with him.

But I just find some of the things you're saying strange, ie "angel child" - I don't believe there's any such thing tbh, they all have their moments. I also don't think a typical 13 year old would be so resolutely devoted to her father, and write him a letter to apologise? It just all sounds a bit, well, dramatic?

@MrsMorrisey do you understand what actually happened? The girl was running sprints in the park and struggling and the dad came up and sort of took the piss a little saying 'you struggling?' Or something.. and at that the 13 year old girl snapped back 'yes I am!' Shouting in his face... which whilst rude, isn't really that big of a deal is it.. and then this grown man proceeded to verbally abuse her in a public park in front of all her siblings, shouting at her that she's a disgrace and a joke..so much so he made her start crying, again in public.. and the OP was so shaken by it she thought a passer by might call the police on him...
This is not 'yelling at your kids' its not normal at all.

Ask your daughter if this is the only time she has written to her father to apologise and to placate him. I would also be asking her what he's like with her when you're not around. He sounds a control freak.

I don't know exactly what she did, so can't comment on his behaviour.

Your husband sounds like a tosser, deeply unpleasant, competitive and angry.

Yep, good summary ⬆

Up in their face screaming at them that they are a joke. No I haven’t and I really hope that no one else in here has either. And yea I have 2 teenagers older that OPs so I know they can push buttons.

Exactly, it's a one off. Maybe the question should be why a normally placid DH lost his temper? Is there stress from work, ill health, MN favourite affair.

OP said DH and DD have made up so why OP is using crying emojis for an event that happened yesterday and have a massive delayed reaction to it, is odd.

Are you not happy in your marriage? Because it seems more about you then your DD & DH.

My Dad used to do this a lot to me. I was the scapegoat as I was fat and he was embarrassed to be seen with me. He always preferred just to go out with my siblings. The fact that your DH is defending this behaviour suggests he may have done or said worse stuff to DD when you aren’t around - talk to her, find out the details, and if you suspect verbal / emotional abuse then you not only need to leave you must contact the police (for a trail) and social services too. Because the last thing you want is for him to get access

@Alargeoneplease89 it sounds like a deeply shocking event of course shes still thinking about it days later. It would scare the life out of me if my husband behaved like this. I honestly wouldn't know what to do.

Just because he hasn't lost his temper before doesn't mean he can't be emotionally abusive. Sarky comments about performance, overly high expectations and criticism and disappointment when your child fails, despite trying hard, all can be signs of controlling manipulation. And op describing her child as angel child pings alarm bells for me, no child should be held in such high regard because when they fall from grace in their parents eyes, its a a huge climb back up, terrible for self esteem.

I’m also a bit unsure what ‘getting it tough’ means but guessing it’s like ‘finding it tough’. I’d be quite pleased if my child was practising running in their summer holidays. I don’t get why he would be so pissed off. I’m also wondering how he said ‘getting it tough?’ Was it in a goading way?

‘yes I am’ just sounds like a normal reply to the question. Even if she shouted it, I still don’t understand how it warranted such a verbal attack and being called a joke and being so bad you thought someone might call the police. I also don’t understand why you cried with dd- can’t see why this would be helpful to her at all.

either your dh just randomly snapped and needs to be apologising a lot to the whole family, especially dd and reassuring her there is no need for the letter as he should not have spoken to her like that.

or he’s a dickhead who your kids are scared of. And who won’t accept he’s in the wrong.

or there’s more to your story

Angel Child - Meaning an overall good kid - apologies for those taking it as a literal meaning

I agree with this.

So the timeline of events - child shouts at dad, dad shouts at child, dad apologises to child, you have a go at dad, you cry with child, child writes letter to dad?

If it happened in that order, both you and your daughter are making such a big deal of this. IMO, as you say it's out of the norm, the apology should have been the end of it. Sorry I lost my temper daughter, that was out of order.

I don't think this is 'horrific' or needs crying emojis. It certainly needs some perspective.

This is what I understand.

She was pumped and reacted to his mocking her.

He then abused her terribly and shouted right in her face.

Hard to believe such pure disproportionate aggression is isolated.

Her writing a letter is very off.

OP I don't believe your upset is unreasonable at all.

I would feel that I had let my child down to have stood by while that was going on.
Were you frozen by the shock of it?

That level of anger for something so benign is very strange.

If she had gone missing and was drinking?

If she had gotten into the car with a boy that was drunk?

Had she put herself in terrible danger, THAT would be when his scared anger might be understandable.

Not this. Not sports training.

Poor child.
Then the letter? Strange.

The perspective is, the OP said this;

Honestly think if this was witnessed the police may have been called.

It was clearly pretty horrific.

Was it really out of character, or just louder?

So is your DD a competitive runner? She was practicing her sprints and her Dad shouted at her because she wasn’t performing well in her practice - ie he gossipy shouted at her that she was ‘getting it tough’? And she then reacted to this and shouted back?

Is he some kind of pushy sports coach Dad? I’m struggling to picture the scenario here. If he is ‘coaching’ her, he should’ve anticipated her adrenaline fuelled response and made allowances. If he’s just shouting at her in the park while she’s having a casual jog then what was he thinking?!

If this is out of character then perhaps just keep an eye it. Otherwise he is just a dick.