DH outburst

[MN224]

Yesterday my normally placid DH totally lost it with our DD age 13. She answered him back and shouted at him, and he responded by getting up into her face and screaming at her that she was a spoilt brat, a joke and a disgrace. Obviously lots of tears from DD and heartfelt apologies; to note she is an angel child we don’t have any issues.

So after an hour I confront DH like WTAF was that all about?? I said she was a child he is an adult and that behaviour was totally unacceptable and inappropriate. He responded saying she was being cheeky. He later apologised and they made up. I was really annoyed with myself I didn’t step in to stop him when it was happening. To be clear this was in a public park. Honestly think if this was witnessed the police may have been called.

I have been totally shocked by this outburst and am pretty much ignoring DH at present. He took himself off today on his own because I was ruining his day off by sulking with him.

So AIBU for being outraged at his horrific behaviour? Or since he has apologised do I just get l over it?? TIA

Well, many posters are pro ‘Dad’ here it seems, but I’m not. I think he sounds like a cunt.

Shouting so much the OP feared the police would be called, telling a 13 year old girl she’s a joke and screaming in her face for reacting mildly after being mocked for her efforts, and then her being conditioned to desperately try to appease the angry man with a sad little letter is gross. Truly.

I feel a bit sorry for those who think the OP should put on a ‘united front’ with this man and stop ‘overreacting’.

Your poor daughter. The fact she wrote that letter is very worrying and I wouldn't of let her give it to him. She's learning how to keep a man from screaming at her when she's hardly done anything at all in the first place.

I agree with this
.
I wouldn't let it go or move forward unless DH went to counselling.

Completely unacceptable.

It was a typo.

Same. I think it’s quite common for it to start around this time because you’re turning from a girl into a woman and starting to push back on parental control, so it unleashes pent-up misogyny.

Surely the appropriate reaction from him to her saying she was finding it tough was to say ‘don’t worry you’re doing really well’ or similar?

'If your DD has forgiven him'.

Don't assume this. She may scared, she may be holding silent resentment. She's unlikely to just shrug this off.

An older relative screamed at me and my cousin once... I still don't know what I did to upset him, and I don't remember the exact words but I know I was "a disgrace" somewhere in his rant. I do remember how I felt though. I followed my parents everywhere when he was around, scared to be on my own with him because of that level anger.

To imagine it being my beloved dad that might make me feel that way... she can't just avoid being alone with him so she's writing over the top letters to flatter him into being nice. It's horrible.

I'm not saying LTB, but only if he is able to reflect on and address where that reaction came from because I wouldn't want to be around someone with that temper, let alone my DC.

Does your DD want to be doing 'sprints' or just to please her dad.
Does your DH do similar? Sporty? Competitive?
Any boys in the family or all girls?

My dad had a one off outburst at this age only my behaviour had been worse (I think I'd directly told him to fuck off, which obviously is totally beyond).
It was a single incident and to be fair I was a complete arsehole at that age. Not that it's an excuse, but it's certainly an explanation.
I totally understand your feeling of shock but all you need to do is watch closely and wait. If starts happening often then obviously that's very different to a single incident, apologised for and discussed openly.
I'd be looking for what else is going on with him. These irritating moments are far harder to handle calmly as a parent when you're already on your last nerve for other reasons (eg lack of sleep in the toddler years, or bereavement, or work stress). Is there something else that is affecting his usual calm approach to parenting?

I don't know what you have been reading but I haven't noticed anyone being "pro 'Dad'". It's just that some of us have a more balanced sense of proportion.

I didn't say I would be ok with it.

I said that considering the (what I consider) over the top reactions from the OP, maybe she's not a reliable witness.

I asked what people would do, considering according to the OP, the dad apologised and they have 'made up'.

I asked why it's ok to take what OP says about the shouting and 'fearing the police being called' at complete face value, but not when she says he's never done this before, and that he has apologised.

What - exactly - do you think OP should do? Split with her husband because he believes the incident has had a line drawn under it and she doesn't?

What - exactly - do you think OP should do? Split with her husband because he believes the incident has had a line drawn under it and she doesn't?

yes I would assume OP would be leaving him after this. The whole letter writing and DD being so keen to please him makes it seem really likely that hubby is abusive a lot of the time.

Is he really placid and was his behaviour soo out of character? If it genuinely was then I would let it go but…….. there’s something about his ‘yeah but…’ apology and name calling that makes me think that his behaviour isn’t as out of character as you say it was.

In addition, your daughter writing an apology letter for this incident sounds worrying and I fear that her taking responsibility for his shitty behaviour is not healthy, particularly for future relationships. I’m curious about the normal dynamic between the two.

OP has been asked but has chosen not to reply about the husband's behaviour towards her. Everything about what she's described strongly suggests abuse in which case the only solution is to leave or preferably insist that he does. Too many don't - feel it's too hard - until the real damage is done.

Update:
Discussion with DH over the weekend where he accepted he had gone too far, admitting he didn’t know how to handle the situation. I told him this was only the start and he needed to manage better. I explained he is the adult, DD is a child, therefore as adults we should always be rational as teenagers are by nature totally irrational at times. I told him I never wanted a repeat of this behaviour with any of our children.

To note he has never behaved in this way towards me and we’ve been together for 25 years.

OP, I would be focused on why your daughter felt the need to write a letter of apology to your husband for HIS shocking behaviour.

THAT would be my focus.

Because her reaction to being treated appallingly was to apologise.

This is not good.

i would be most concerned about her self esteem and confidence.

This is the sort of people pleasing behaviour that leads to being very vulnerable to abusive relationships.

You say such shocking behaviour came from nowhere, you have never seen it ever before, and I certainly am not going to correct you.

But something is very wrong, hus behaviour and her reaction.

Focus closely on her while you have the chance to change things.

Wishing you well.

Please listen to this advice OP.

It's deeply troubling she wrote that note and you don't seem surprised by her having done so, which is a little worrying because as an outsider it's alarming.

Totally agree. Is everyone hyper sensitive?

So a grown man could not contain his anger when faced with a teenage girl acting up a bit (which is what teenagers do and that seemed pretty mild behaviour on her part...).

To me that is unacceptable.

Any man who acts towards a girl in this way is a red flag because his response was completely disproportionate.

DD could possibly be slapped/punched so he was teaching her a lesson.

I hope that he followed this with “BUT, if that did happen then you tell an adult/police”

I'm not really getting it. So your daughter was running/racing, and struggling a bit, so your husband asked if she was struggling, and she said 'yes I am' and he lost the plot, thinks her friends would have punched her for saying that to them, she's written a letter to him apologising and you've had a talk with him about how 'this is the start' and he will need to learn to deal with this better?! What is it you all think she did wrong? What does he need to learn to deal with? (Apart from his anger issues?)

I'd have a chat to DD and see if she is really ok or just saying it to keep the peace or because she is now afraid of her Dad. I'd ask DD if there has ever been anything else you've not known about. I'd see what DD has to say and I'd check with other DC before I made any decisions.

Just seen this. It is disgusting he should be the one apologising. She is probably terrified of him doing something like this again and appeasing him. It's not good to let her think she has to appease men when they get angry.

OP says he's fine with her but the anger, the absence of any justification at all for the anger, the lack of immediate intervention by the OP, the joint crying session and above all the shocking letter writing suggests things here are extremely amiss, even though the OP appears not to recognise it. This is far more than a parent losing their shit with a teenager.

This so very much… also OP, you’ve never seen behaviour like this from your DH because you’ve always behaved in a way he is happy with?