Would you marry an alcoholic?

[Lolaandbehold]

"Inspired" for want of a better word, by the heroin addict husband thread, I have a dilemma of my own.
The short version is this. If your beloved fiancé told you that he was an alcoholic, would you go ahead with the wedding/marriage?

The long version:
A close friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 4 years. Engaged for one year, getting married soon. Wedding booked and paid for.
He hasn't been a big drinker in that time, no more than anyone else. Has a few drinks when he goes out, has maybe two big nights a month at most when they'd have a few too many but nothing unusual. Recently he told her that when he's alone, he has started to drink heavily and can't stop. He decided that he didn't like the road he was heading down, realised that he was becoming dependent so made the decision to quit.
Since then, he's fallen off the bandwagon a few times and this time denied it. She figured it out easily enough and he came clean subsequently and told her the truth. He's now back in AA and determined to commit to sobriety.
He is a wonderful man in all other aspects, he adores my friend, she loves him. We as her friends are really fond of him. As an aside and so as not to drop feed, my friend wants children, as does the fiancé. They are both in quite high stress jobs.

YANBU He's committed to staying off the booze, he's a lovely person. They can get through this together. She should marry him and have a family with him.

YABU Don't take the risk; it will all go horribly wrong.

I'm completely biased because my mother was an alcoholic so I've no tolerance unfortunately. I feel if she Marrys him she is in for a life of dealing with this addiction, if children come along potential social service involvement. I can't see it going well at all and I would be out the door.

Personally, no, I wouldn’t. Addiction never goes away, someone will always be an alcoholic. I certainly wouldn’t have children with someone that I know has addiction issues. Life is difficult enough.

If she wants children no, she would be incredibly selfish to inflict him as a father onto children.

If she wants to live in a constant state of worry, suspicion and disappointment then yes, crack on and marry the man.

I would delay the wedding.

From a financial point of view, he’s literally chucking money down the drain. Also why is he drinking? What’s causing it? This needs to be resolved - change of job maybe? He’s fallen off the wagon, so he’s not ‘cured’ yet. Also, at the wedding, what’s going to happen if it goes ahead - will it be dry or will there be alcohol?

Do they live together? Is he secretly drinking?

Absolutely not, I have one in the family and that is bad enough

No. No. No. No. No.

I say that as the DD of an alcoholic, and a previous heavy drinker myself (started several years after marriage).
DF was once was sober for 10 years but still fell off the wagon.

She shouldn’t have DC with this man. It will do them lasting damage.
I am 3 years sober. My DSis starts drinking at noon.
Never marry an alcoholic, they are more married to the booze.

If it's known now, it's not to late to decide she cannot marry him.

She will have no life.
She needs to talk to women who know- it's just not fair on herself. And as for children- alcoholics put drink way ahead if their children.

Absolutely not. I would not even casually date one! ever

No. Also daughter of an alcoholic.

Having said that, if he's dry and has been for some years and in that time has been through some stressful stuff, e.g. job loss, death of a parent, whatever, and not turned back to drink as a coping mechanism, then I might consider it.

Nope, no, nada, not ever.

My mother was an alcoholic and made our lives a misery. I avoid people who drink heavily or abnormally like the plague

Having grown up knowing with adult alcoholic son my family, I would postpone the wedding at the very least.

He told her he wanted to quit, continued and tried to hide it.

What makes his commitment to sobriety different this time? He already proved he will lie to her about it.

I wouldn’t jump into marriage right now. I am not sure I would marry him at all. But definitely not for a while.

Absolutely no. My father was an alcoholic and he put me, my mother and my 5 siblings through hell. When he died of liver cirrhosis, no one went to his funeral and the only thing we felt was relief that he was gone.

I wouldn't, unfortunately. My dad was an alcoholic and it was very painful to watch it as I grew up. I'd offer all the help and support, but not marry.
Sometimes alcoholism is a symptom of something deeper, like depression. So it's actually used to escape reality on some level, so maybe he needs more helps than just AA. My dads was from depression and after I realised that as an adult I felt very, very sorry for him. I still don't know how my mum coped, though.

She will, though. She will go ahead with it because she'll think he will change and it will feel too late to cancel.

Best thing she could feasibly do is get him to start therapy immediately before the wedding

No no..... a million times no....

No.

the sort of person who becomes an addict is not a good person in the first place

I'm sorry but this is unbelievably harsh! I feel deeply for anyone who has been hurt by an addict in their life but not every single person that has issues with alcohol or drugs, gambling or whatever their vice is automatically a bad person?! What a absolutely mad generalisation.

There are of course exceptions but for some the spiral of addiction often begins from trying to numb oneself from pain - often that's from childhood events, trauma or depression.

My partner just died recently with a drink and drugs problem. The lying , stealing money from me , making up stories , drinking at work so he nearly got the sack. The arguments when he was drunk and the debt coz he couldn't afford his addictions ... no I wouldn't financially tie myself to an alcoholic before even thinking about emotionally by getting married. I'm glad we wasn't married. Addicts tend to only care about themselves .

Hell no. Did it once, believed all the promises. Total car crash.

What a ridiculous and nasty comment.

What a shitty comment.

Addictions start in pain and end in pain, the rest of the family and friends are left to pick up the pieces. If l were your friend l would put everything on hold. When he becomes a non functioning alcoholic which is often the road they go down, she will become his carer as well as main breadwinner, he will be a massive liability, an unreliable husband and father.

Sadly no - as the sister of an alcoholic who was a lovely man but completely unreliable. My df also had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and that had a negative impact on our childhood.

@nonmerci99 and @BasketCase101 and @DaisyAndDonaldDuck

I agree that saying addicts are not good people in the first place is incredibly unkind and simplistic . There are actual reasons whether someone becomes an addict & it is not a moral thing. Some ( not all ) addicts can beat the habit.

I really think daisy that was an unpleasant comment. Whether the friend should get engaged - different question.