Would you marry an alcoholic?

[Lolaandbehold]

"Inspired" for want of a better word, by the heroin addict husband thread, I have a dilemma of my own.
The short version is this. If your beloved fiancé told you that he was an alcoholic, would you go ahead with the wedding/marriage?

The long version:
A close friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 4 years. Engaged for one year, getting married soon. Wedding booked and paid for.
He hasn't been a big drinker in that time, no more than anyone else. Has a few drinks when he goes out, has maybe two big nights a month at most when they'd have a few too many but nothing unusual. Recently he told her that when he's alone, he has started to drink heavily and can't stop. He decided that he didn't like the road he was heading down, realised that he was becoming dependent so made the decision to quit.
Since then, he's fallen off the bandwagon a few times and this time denied it. She figured it out easily enough and he came clean subsequently and told her the truth. He's now back in AA and determined to commit to sobriety.
He is a wonderful man in all other aspects, he adores my friend, she loves him. We as her friends are really fond of him. As an aside and so as not to drop feed, my friend wants children, as does the fiancé. They are both in quite high stress jobs.

YANBU He's committed to staying off the booze, he's a lovely person. They can get through this together. She should marry him and have a family with him.

YABU Don't take the risk; it will all go horribly wrong.

Not a cat in hells chance

That’s a tough question to answer because the level he drinks isn’t constant. There are good years and bad years, so I’ve thought about this quite a bit. I would still say no though.

He isn’t physically or verbally abusive when drunk, and I do think we recognised his problem at an early stage. I also think most relationships have issues and you pick someone’s who’s issues you can handle, but the constant worry about ‘will he drink’ and then the inevitable disappointment when he does overshadows everything.

My husband drinks alone in the house, so there’s also the element of ‘will he hurt himself?’ if no one’s keeping an eye on him too. He already has a permanent injury obtained from drinking alone.
He also can drink non stop for a few days while being off work. You ask yourself are you being too controlling for not wanting him to drink. It’s his holiday so he should be able to spend it as he wants, right? So you feel guilty. Then you feel lonely because you’re spending the holiday by yourself doing all the housework he can’t do because he’s either drunk or sleeping it off. You also feel shame and that you can’t really talk about it with anyone. Then you also feel sad, because you think ‘why does he not want to do something we can do together instead?’
Even celebrations and holidays come with an element of dread. You can’t fully relax around him when he’s drinking because you know he won’t stop, so you don’t drink just in case something happens. Or you do and feel under pressure to keep up with what he’s drinking. You end up being designated driver a lot because he’s hungover/still drunk.
There’s also the times you know he’s drinking because you can tell he’s drunk or you can smell it off him. He’s hiding it though. No cans, bottles or glasses about the place, nothing in the bin. So then you start questioning yourself. You wonder if you’re crazy or imagining it. You can’t outright ask him either, because you know he’ll deny it.
Even when he’s sober, you constantly wonder when he will fall again. You don’t go out much as a couple because you don’t want to take the risk. When you do go out with family who drink, you constantly worry about what they’re thinking when he has to turn them down when they ask him if he wants a drink. You also wonder how they’d react to you if they knew the truth. Would they pity you? Encourage you to leave? You don’t want those conversations.

That’s also just how you feel before kids come along. There is a whole heap of other problems when that happens.

Thank you for coming back to me with your measured answer. I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to respond and it gives me a good insight into what my friend will likely go through in the future, on a daily basis.
I won’t deny, this makes me worry for her even more. She has struggled with her own mental health in the past, that is another reason why I feel that this is a lot to take on. I guess I’m just going to have to be as supportive as I can, keep my worries to myself and be there if the shit hits the fan whilst fervently hoping it doesn’t.
Thanks again.

I would not marry someone who is an alcoholic and still drinking. If they are someone who had not touched a drop for many years and in some way I could know it was the truth, perhaps I would, and be prepared to avoid alcohol in certain situations.

Absolutely not. If it is one thing I learned, you cannot fix anyone. Not your job. She is letting herself in for a life of heartbreak. She should read the book ‘Adult Children of Alcoholics’ and see what it does to children. Very similar set of damage happens to children of the severely mentally ill, which my mother was. It causes lifelong complications/need for therapy. It is only now in my 50s that I feel healed from it.

After having married and had kids with someone who was recovered and then having to go through alone parenting 1 toddler and a newborn for 6 months while he was in rehab and then relapsing, detoxing, relapsing, having social services called before I divorced him, no. I would never trust a recovering addict.

also if he drinks but not lots, that’s a very worrying sign. Someone committed to never drinking again and attending weekly meeting and having fellow recoverers as a support network then I would maybe consider .

I did and have had 30 years of hell. All the kids and I felt when he walked out a few months ago was relief.
I'd never do it again and, if I could go back in time, I wouldn't do it at all. The only good thing to have come out of it was my kids.
If she goes ahead with it, she is condemning herself and any children to a life of fear, uncertainty, abuse and probably penury.

no. Not knowing what I know now after spending 10 years with an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Avoid at all costs!

He has been dishonest about his drinking so no. The only way this situation is manageable is if there is complete honesty and trust. She will never be able to relax because she won’t know if he is drinking and lying about it. And if he is lying about drinking then potentially he is lying about other things as well.

I speak from bitter experience.

A lot of the negative views are coming from pp's with experience of active alcoholic parents. In my experience I know many people who have long term sobriety after joining different help groups. Most have kids / families and all lead normal productive lives. I think it's unfair to write people off because they're suffering from a disease, but I completely understand if the person isn't admitting to it/ being honest and is unwilling to commit.

Under no circumstances would I even date an alcoholic, a recreational drug abuser, a gambler or anything else that would destabilise a relationship. Never marry one your life will be hell on earth. A very good friend of mine was married to an alcoholic who beat her repeatedly and because she was Catholic she didn't feel she could leave him. She tried to seek help from church but was basically told you made your vows but after she got a new priest who was more sympathetic she managed to get an annulment in the end which was odd because she had a DC with her husband and I thought annulments were when a marriage had not been consummated.

That's incredibly sad that your Mum did not leave your Dad, and get you and your siblings out of that terrible situation.

Absolutely not. It will go wrong and it means a life of worry, wondering if he's still drinking and being devastated when inevitably he still is.

Absolutely not. I divorced my alcoholic husband. I and my now-adult DC are very damaged from the experience of living with him. How he is still alive, I'll never know. When I divorced him he was drinking at least two bottles of wine a night, more at weekends.

as someone who had dc with an addict, definitely don't take that risk

It’s not a disease, it’s a choice.

It's not a choice at all don't be so narrow minded, it's been recognised as a disease by the WHO and Dr's worldwide for over 50 years.

It absolutely is a choice, and it’s not a disease, it’s a disorder that causes disease in the brain and body. If it’s not a choice then no one would give up. I grew up surrounded by alcoholics, everyone of them was a damaged person but they were also selfish and manipulative. It does no one any favours to allow alcoholics to engage in a pity party that they have no control over their drinking.

It's not about creating a pity party it's about understanding and you clearly have none so I'm not engaging with you any further. Yawn.

Absolutely not no. My fil is an alcoholic and honestly it’s awful. He steals, lies, will do literally anything to get a drink. Lost his licence due to drink driving. He’s in complete denial about it. It started about 20 years ago with him saying the same as your friends husband and has steadily got worse, only now he says he’s not an alcoholic and denies it. PIL’s are currently going through a divorce due to it, and it’s been really stressful for me and dh too. I could never put myself through it and would recommend that nobody else did either

@LemonPeonies of course it's a choice.

No, absolutely not. I always knew I wanted children and there’s no way I would have children with a known addict. I know some manage to overcome addiction issues, but I wouldn’t be willing to take the risk.

Clicked wrong answer. i presumed the not unreasonable answer would be to body swerve an addict

Oh fuck off with addiction is a choice! Really?

Hell no. My father and brother were both alcoholics. Brother was introduced to it by father giving him a bottle of Johnny Walker for his fifteenth birthday. Brother turned out to be far worse than father - violent. I would absolutely never have anything to do with an alcoholic, let alone marry one.