Would you marry an alcoholic?

[Lolaandbehold]

"Inspired" for want of a better word, by the heroin addict husband thread, I have a dilemma of my own.
The short version is this. If your beloved fiancé told you that he was an alcoholic, would you go ahead with the wedding/marriage?

The long version:
A close friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 4 years. Engaged for one year, getting married soon. Wedding booked and paid for.
He hasn't been a big drinker in that time, no more than anyone else. Has a few drinks when he goes out, has maybe two big nights a month at most when they'd have a few too many but nothing unusual. Recently he told her that when he's alone, he has started to drink heavily and can't stop. He decided that he didn't like the road he was heading down, realised that he was becoming dependent so made the decision to quit.
Since then, he's fallen off the bandwagon a few times and this time denied it. She figured it out easily enough and he came clean subsequently and told her the truth. He's now back in AA and determined to commit to sobriety.
He is a wonderful man in all other aspects, he adores my friend, she loves him. We as her friends are really fond of him. As an aside and so as not to drop feed, my friend wants children, as does the fiancé. They are both in quite high stress jobs.

YANBU He's committed to staying off the booze, he's a lovely person. They can get through this together. She should marry him and have a family with him.

YABU Don't take the risk; it will all go horribly wrong.

And yes - to say all addicts are not good people is complete nonsense. Dbro was a deeply troubled and unhappy man who was only too aware of how much he had let his family down.

Many years ago i was deeply in love with a lovely guy, he proposed and i said no. I could not live that life. Your life will never be your own.

Absolutely not, especially if the plan is to have children. As harsh as it sounds, the emotional and psychological damage inflicted on the children of addicts - no matter how high-functioning or otherwise lovely that parent may be - is lifelong.

Until he’s at least a year or two clean and sober she’d be crazy to go ahead with the marriage. Addicts lie, they can easily relapse, they will always prioritise their addiction over anything (or anyone) else in their lives.

My grandfather was a jolly and benign alcoholic, beloved by all of us, but he was never sober after 11 am, spent every penny he had (and more) on booze, was sometimes deceptive, always unreliable, was a wholly absent parent and eventually retreated from any meaningful life outside of drinking. My grandma raised her kids alone, managed the entire family finances on her salary alone and eventually lived her life alone - holidaying and visiting family while he stayed at home drinking.

This is probably the least worst scenario if you’re in a relationship with an alcoholic - my grandmother loved him very much and would probably have described herself as happily married - but it was in no way a partnership and not a life I’d wish on anyone. The difference is she married at 18 and didn’t know what lay ahead - it’s madness to voluntarily marry someone you already know is a functioning alcoholic.

I would say no, she shouldn’t. She’ll always be aware of it, if his behaviour changed for any reason even just a bad day you’d always be thinking ‘is he back on the booze.’
I would never marry him, maybe stay in a relationship but I really wouldn’t want kids with someone like that. She should keep separate finances etc. If she does have kids with him try to make sure her career isn’t put on backburner so she always has the ability to support herself/kids if he falls off the wagon. It would always be a worry.

Daisyanddonald showing a clear lack of understanding towards addiction there.
Addiction is often born from trauma, not just being a shitty human.

That said as another child of alcoholics, no, not so early in her partners recovery. Absolutely not.

Nope.

He's telling her quite honestly that he is no longer a recovering alcoholic but an active one. She would be crazy to marry him and have children.

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck
That's unnecessarily nasty and uncalled for

My drinking patterns would probably call me into the bracket of being an addict

However, I'm the sole breadwinner in our household, do the lions share of life admin, housework, making sure birthdays and christmas are all sorted and generally paying all the bills and making sure life goes on.

I'm a people pleaser and will go out of my way to make sure others needs / wants are met before my own.

So no, addicts are definitely not inherently bad people

I find it interesting that so many people have sympathy for addicts as it’s sometimes born of trauma….but not considering that @DaisyAndDonaldDuck may feel that way….due to experience and repeated trauma.

Maybe that poster could do with some understanding and sympathy.

No, as the friend of a woman who's husband has just died from alcohol.

Recovery is hard and relapses happen. I've been in recovery 14yrs but at the end of the day, for me, I'll always be an addict and I'm only ever 1 bad decision away from going down that road. Being an addict doesn't automatically make you a bad person but active addiction destroys people and families absolutely. I would suggest she have a serious talk with her partner about whether to postpone the wedding. If he's working a 12 step program he should have a sponsor who will guide and offer suggestions. Maybe now is not the right time but it doesn't mean it will never be right.

I would postpone.
A family member has been sober for nearly 30 years, since the birth of their first child. Their partner stuck by them and they made it through.

Also, alcoholism is a symptom as opposed to a cause. Everyone's causes are different. Is his something that can be dealt with?

There are a lot of factors that would mean I can't say one way or another if I would end the relationship. But I definitely would not get married at the moment.

No. Husband No2 told me he was an alcoholic, sober for 14 years. He managed to keep up that fiction until a few weeks after I had moved to his country, then he was drinking all the time.

No absolutely never. I was in a serious relationship with a guy who's dad was an alcoholic. Lovely guy always the life and soul of the party, great fun when he was drinking but I began to see how much he loved it and was worried he would end up an alcoholic. I ended the relationship. I know his mother was very upset over it probably because she hoped I would keep him on the straight and narrow. I understand her desire for that but no way was I putting myself through a life of drink problems.
I have loads of alcoholics in my family and they cause nothing but misery.
@doris9034 I am sure you do feel you put people first but I doubt your family are not effected by your drinking. Even if people are not commenting, they feel it. I never commented on my parent's drinking but it has massively traumatised me. I hated them drinking with a passion, I cried and prayed everytime they drank but they still are completely oblivious to the effect it had on us.

No, I wouldn’t marry him. Because of personal experience, I can only have theoretical empathy for addicts. They are selfish, because that’s what addiction is. It will dominate her life, and it’s almost impossible not to become codependent. It’s no life.

Why would anyone want to marry an addict ?

I have no sympathy for when people make comments like that.

Because not all addicts are nasty people and need support and love too.

No thanks.

They are cheats and liars that will do anything to feed the addiction though

Your friend needs to think very carefully about the life and future she wants and it doesn't look good.
It's always going to be complex because of love - I loved and adored my husband too and he adored me.
I left him after 20 years of marriage - not because I didn't love him but because I didn't want to watch him die. The end was horrific and I wasn't even physically there to see it.
Sadly love isn't enough.
I read something recently which has really struck me...
A doctor asked a patient at a rehab centre "what's your problem?"
The patient replied, "alcohol - I drink too much and can't stop"
The doctor simply replied, " no,- that's your solution - I will ask again - what is your problem"

Your friend's partner needs therapy to address the underlying causes of his addiction before it becomes impossible.

The slope is slippery - my ex had occasional "blips" of drinking too much - normally when something ridiculously stressful was happening - then one day I realised that they had all run together and I couldn't remember when he was last sober.

Your friend cannot love or support her boyfriend into sobriety not can she nag or plead or help him there.
That journey is his. She needs to decide whether she wants to be dragged along on it

Not always. You don't know what they've been through to get to that point. Shouldn't judge. And tar them all the same.

From my experiences of being married to a man who became an alcoholic during our marriage, I would say no. Do not go through with the marriage or relationship and hope for the best.

The chances of it being a good future where they stop drinking are not good Some people do manage to stop it, but I believe they need to have been sober and managing their lives for a number of years before they think of marriage and then children.

Alcoholics are not inherently bad people. But their addiction makes them selfish and their addiction causes the people that love them to suffer.

Lots to think about, and thank you all for the responses so far. I may or may not show her this thread at some point.
No, he isn't a bad person as someone upthread speculated.
When she met him we were thrilled for her. You couldn't ask for a kinder, more loving guy. Since she's met him, she's never been happier. I don't think she see's the alcoholism as a red flag, as such.
I think he only started drinking alone to combat loneliness; when my friend is out or working, he was drinking as he doesn't like being alone. He only announced that he was an alcoholic a few months ago and I think it's only the last year or two that he recognised that this solo boozing was becoming a problem.
The reality is that when they were out socially he didn't get annihilated, he just had a few drinks with the rest of us, he wasn't the pass out in a ditch type of alcoholic.

He's what people would describe as a respectable guy, good job, sporty, cares about his family etc.

I'm torn on what to think really. But it's not my life, and I don't want to lose this friendship.

Why would anyone want to marry an addict ?

Im three years sober and incredibly proud of myself. I sought early intervention before I started stealing and losing my job and ruining relationships. How many years sober must I be before I'm marriageable or will I be a piece of shit forever?