Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you marry an alcoholic?

177 replies

Lolaandbehold · 11/08/2023 13:39

"Inspired" for want of a better word, by the heroin addict husband thread, I have a dilemma of my own.
The short version is this. If your beloved fiancé told you that he was an alcoholic, would you go ahead with the wedding/marriage?

The long version:
A close friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 4 years. Engaged for one year, getting married soon. Wedding booked and paid for.
He hasn't been a big drinker in that time, no more than anyone else. Has a few drinks when he goes out, has maybe two big nights a month at most when they'd have a few too many but nothing unusual. Recently he told her that when he's alone, he has started to drink heavily and can't stop. He decided that he didn't like the road he was heading down, realised that he was becoming dependent so made the decision to quit.
Since then, he's fallen off the bandwagon a few times and this time denied it. She figured it out easily enough and he came clean subsequently and told her the truth. He's now back in AA and determined to commit to sobriety.
He is a wonderful man in all other aspects, he adores my friend, she loves him. We as her friends are really fond of him. As an aside and so as not to drop feed, my friend wants children, as does the fiancé. They are both in quite high stress jobs.

YANBU He's committed to staying off the booze, he's a lovely person. They can get through this together. She should marry him and have a family with him.

YABU Don't take the risk; it will all go horribly wrong.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 11/08/2023 17:09

No, I wouldn't.

DepartureLounge · 11/08/2023 17:27

I would actually say this is not so much about the decisions she should be making as the ones that are his responsibility. Until and unless he's in recovery, and with a good run of sobriety behind him, I think he is not in a position to offer a lifetime's love and commitment to your friend. If he recognises that he's an alcoholic and is the stand-up guy you say he is, then he'll be the one breaking the engagement off. If not, then perhaps he isn't quite as self-aware as your friend hopes and believes.

Did I read you correctly, OP, that he claims he only started drinking heavily because your friend isn't always around and he "doesn't like being on his own"? Bluntly, this man sounds light years away from taking the personal responsibility that would be necessary if her life with him is not to turn swiftly into a train wreck. She needs to walk away.

Original poster
Lolaandbehold · 11/08/2023 17:31

This is all very sobering. No pun intended. The vast majority think she should run. And yet I'm almost certain the wedding will go ahead.
She does know the risks, she's told me before, she thinks he has an addictive personality.
I don't know what I can do without ruining my friendship with her. But I really care about her - we've known each other all our lives and I don't want to see her ruin the rest of hers.
Someone upthread mentioned co-dependency. It's actually a word that came to my mind when I heard about the alcoholism initially.
I feel helpless.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 11/08/2023 17:38

So he knew he was an alcoholic before they starting planning the wedding, but only told her when it was potentially too late for her to back out - have I understood that timeline correctly?

SinglemomOf1 · 11/08/2023 17:40

I have zero tolerance for alcoholics, my father was one. Its hard to stay away from alcohol, he will need to change his circle of friends who drink because it will be too easy to give in again and start all over again.

MissHarrietBede · 11/08/2023 17:52

Once he has her locked down in marriage, she literally will be locked down. Unable to have any life of her own because he will use the threat of starting drinking to keep her in his sight. Forever.

10HailMarys · 11/08/2023 17:59

Caprisunny · 11/08/2023 14:33

I find it interesting that so many people have sympathy for addicts as it’s sometimes born of trauma….but not considering that @DaisyAndDonaldDuck may feel that way….due to experience and repeated trauma.

Maybe that poster could do with some understanding and sympathy.

Being a victim of trauma or abuse at the hands of an addict doesn’t mean it’s OK or understandable to make ignorant, offensive sweeping judgments. I am one of those victims myself but I still manage not to be an obnoxious twat about a vast group of people.

10HailMarys · 11/08/2023 18:12

ManateeFair · 11/08/2023 16:17

My ex was an alcoholic. But I might consider marrying an alcoholic who:

  • recognised he had a problem and was truthful about it
  • was genuinely committed to overcoming the addiction
  • was in, or prepared to go into, AA or rehab.

I wouldn't marry an alcoholic who was in denial about their addiction and/or had no intention of stopping drinking. My ex mostly wouldn't accept that he was an alcoholic, and in the rare moments when he admitted that he might be, he said in the next breath that he didn't care because he enjoyed drinking and didn't see any need to stop.

Same. My ex was a violent and abusive alcoholic and didn’t want to stop drinking. I still have nightmares about him 23 years later.

However, I also have an absolutely lovely, lovely friend who was (she would say ‘is’) an alcoholic. She went into rehab at 30 and recently celebrated 20 years of sobriety. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to this question.

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 11/08/2023 18:12

There are a lot of people on this thread who have obviously suffered significant trauma due to an addict in their lives. I hope none of them think I am minimising the damage that addiction can do to loved ones. However, in my mind this isn't black and white. I think these days there is far more awareness of harmful or addictive behaviours and therefore some people seek help at an earlier stage. I have a friend who gave up drinking recently because she realised she struggled to control it (in her words). She was by no means drinking every day and alcohol wasn't obviously affecting her life in an outward negative way but she found that she had a tendency to go a bit over the top and she didn't like how it made her feel. Would she be called an alcoholic? I am not sure. She certainly felt like alcohol had a power over her that she didn't like, so she stopped. She's been sober for almost 2 years now. Would I marry her (if I were that way inclined and loved her) absolutely, because she has recognised and weakness and dealt with it. Even at it's 'worst' her drinking was not destructive. I am not sure your friends partner would fall into this category but I guess I am just making the point that it's not 'raging alcoholics' and 'everyone else' it's a sliding scale and many people exist on it.

Coffeesnob11 · 11/08/2023 18:13

Addicts often get worse over time. I was married to an alcoholic. The night of the wedding he got blotto and didn't stop drinking. I really think they should postpone the wedding until he has been consistently sober at least a year.

Blue444 · 11/08/2023 18:20

No, being married to one is he'll, on a knife edge continually

No, no no

Caprisunny · 11/08/2023 18:20

nonmerci99 · 11/08/2023 16:40

This reply makes no sense. This poster said all addicts are inherently bad people. Such comments do not deserve sympathy and respect, get a grip.

Show quote history

I have one thanks.

Alcoholic cause damage and harm and trauma. They are indiscriminate about who they harm. That poster obviously has been traumatised.

That poster had clearly been traumatised by at least one alcoholic.

I don’t think their POV is any worse than someone who drinks and causes harm due to their own trauma. It’s interesting that people have sympathy for alcoholics, despite the harm they directly cause. But not for someone who who has been harmed by an alcoholic.

It’s interesting that people have endless sympathy because alcoholics can’t help drink and cause harm to those around them. But can’t see that maybe, that posters view has been formed by trauma and maybe she can’t help the way she feels.

nonmerci99 · 11/08/2023 18:21

Caprisunny · 11/08/2023 18:20

I have one thanks.

Alcoholic cause damage and harm and trauma. They are indiscriminate about who they harm. That poster obviously has been traumatised.

That poster had clearly been traumatised by at least one alcoholic.

I don’t think their POV is any worse than someone who drinks and causes harm due to their own trauma. It’s interesting that people have sympathy for alcoholics, despite the harm they directly cause. But not for someone who who has been harmed by an alcoholic.

It’s interesting that people have endless sympathy because alcoholics can’t help drink and cause harm to those around them. But can’t see that maybe, that posters view has been formed by trauma and maybe she can’t help the way she feels.

Show quote history

You don’t need to tell me. My father is an alcoholic. Your comment is still ridiculous, and your lecture here unneeded.

Blue444 · 11/08/2023 18:22

Hell.....

Justcashnosweets · 11/08/2023 18:34

Having been in a LTR with an alcoholic many years ago, I absolutely would not marry one. He almost ruined my life.

JaninaDuszejko · 11/08/2023 18:34

There's a world of difference between these two:

  1. Someone who had destructive behaviour around alcohol in their youth but has addressed the underlying issues and has been sober for several years who then enters a new relationship that is not impacted by their historic behaviour around alcohol. I know a couple of women that are like this who are happily married with kids and have built a life that is not dependent on alcohol.
  2. Someone who has ongoing destructive behaviours around alcohol and has relationship(s) that are tied in with the drinking. Which is the situation your friend finds herself in.

She should end the relationship, telling him he needs to address his issues that are causing the excessive drinking before he enters another romantic relationship and she should also go and have some time to herself before she thinks about entering another relationship.

ibtrue · 11/08/2023 18:37

No I wouldn't.

Caprisunny · 11/08/2023 18:59

nonmerci99 · 11/08/2023 18:21

You don’t need to tell me. My father is an alcoholic. Your comment is still ridiculous, and your lecture here unneeded.

Show quote history

It’s not a lecture. I made a comment. I was responded to so I responded back.

Thats how the forum works. The fact that you can’t have compassion For someone because they aren’t displaying their pain in one particular way, but can if it’s displayed in another is your point of view.

I can also express mine.

Cowlover89 · 11/08/2023 20:11

Caprisunny · 11/08/2023 15:40

Clearly. And as I said. I find it interesting

Show quote history

You clearly need to get a grip.

Caprisunny · 11/08/2023 20:33

Cowlover89 · 11/08/2023 20:11

You clearly need to get a grip.

Show quote history

Original 👍

caramacyears · 11/08/2023 20:35

No

mumsworkneverstops · 11/08/2023 22:21

Not until they were 2 years sober. They need to focus on sobriety before a wedding.

notacooldad · 11/08/2023 22:27

No, not at all.
I had a list of things that I didn’t want from a man ( previous children; debt, addictions etc) it’s a wonder I found someone to marry me.
Any addiction would be a complete no from me.
I sympathise with people who struggle but I want wanted my life to have no added complications or dramas than what day to day life throws at me!

Joystir59 · 12/08/2023 07:01

OP it should be illegal to willfully marry and have children to an active alcoholic

FrancescaContini · 12/08/2023 07:04

Only read your first paragraph. No, not in a million years.

Swipe left for the next trending thread