Would you marry an alcoholic?

[Lolaandbehold]

"Inspired" for want of a better word, by the heroin addict husband thread, I have a dilemma of my own.
The short version is this. If your beloved fiancé told you that he was an alcoholic, would you go ahead with the wedding/marriage?

The long version:
A close friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 4 years. Engaged for one year, getting married soon. Wedding booked and paid for.
He hasn't been a big drinker in that time, no more than anyone else. Has a few drinks when he goes out, has maybe two big nights a month at most when they'd have a few too many but nothing unusual. Recently he told her that when he's alone, he has started to drink heavily and can't stop. He decided that he didn't like the road he was heading down, realised that he was becoming dependent so made the decision to quit.
Since then, he's fallen off the bandwagon a few times and this time denied it. She figured it out easily enough and he came clean subsequently and told her the truth. He's now back in AA and determined to commit to sobriety.
He is a wonderful man in all other aspects, he adores my friend, she loves him. We as her friends are really fond of him. As an aside and so as not to drop feed, my friend wants children, as does the fiancé. They are both in quite high stress jobs.

YANBU He's committed to staying off the booze, he's a lovely person. They can get through this together. She should marry him and have a family with him.

YABU Don't take the risk; it will all go horribly wrong.

Plenty of people are (functioning) alcoholics and don't realise it. At least this guy has enough insight to see that he has a problem.

As others have said, he would need to have been sober for longer and survived some “tests”. I come from a family wi the a lot of alcoholics and I recognise I have that propensity so I don’t drink. The idea that I shouldn’t be happily married with kids because I was a problem drinker in my youth seems pretty harsh.

No.
Had I known my DW would become one I don't think I would have married her.

No

No no no. Tell your friend to run. If he had recently been through something very traumatic and was drinking too much in the immediate aftermath you could see it as a blip but this is obviously something else. If there doesn't appear to be a significant root cause they can work through (childhood abuse or something to that effect) and he otherwise has a good life and good family, then the issue is with him and his character.

My father drank too much and it blighted all our lives. He had no "reason" either. Just a selfish asshole. I have zero tolerance for drunks. They are just not worth the hassle. I cut him off and never give him a second thought for the most part. She has a perfect chance to escape before she gets stuck having children with him and ruins her life and theirs. She'd be a fool to go through with the wedding IMO

My father was an alcoholic and I suffered an abusive, violent childhood and my mum a terrible violent marriage.

While it’s great that he’s trying to overcome his problems, she should not marry him until he has been sober for a couple of years at least and even then I would be wary.

It depends how long they’ve been clean. If they’ve been completely sober for 10 years plus and remain committed to it I might consider it. But my basic position having grown up with an alcoholic parent is no, absolutely not. And if I were in your friend’s position - no, absolutely not.

No way

I think she needs to delay the wedding and go to Al-Anon or get therapy before making a lifetime commitment to him. I imagine they are very loved up and she probably thinks that love will carry them through the bad times, and it's her job to support him in his struggle. In fact it's not, as lots of the stories on here show.

My close relative (male) did marry an alcoholic and they have a child together. His DW has been 95% sober in the last 15 years but the 5%, including drunk driving with their baby in the back of the car, was potentially life-threatening. For most people there would be no coming back from that but they are ideally suited and happy in every other way.

This is very insightful.

My ex was an alcoholic. But I might consider marrying an alcoholic who:

• recognised he had a problem and was truthful about it
• was genuinely committed to overcoming the addiction
• was in, or prepared to go into, AA or rehab.

I wouldn't marry an alcoholic who was in denial about their addiction and/or had no intention of stopping drinking. My ex mostly wouldn't accept that he was an alcoholic, and in the rare moments when he admitted that he might be, he said in the next breath that he didn't care because he enjoyed drinking and didn't see any need to stop.

Yeah he sounds controlling and abusive too. No way!

No. I was in a relationship with one and it was incredibly stressful.

No I wouldn't. My Aunt was an alcoholic and was dead by the age of 38. Your friend should save herself the heart ache

They're on honeymoon period now, in love, no kids not married yet and he guy keeps falling of the bandwagon, just imagine when they make it official, have kids and start dealing with the stresses that come with that. It's not going to be pretty. He sounds like an unsuitable partner to form a family.

Only if he was 90, and a billionaire, and to drunk to do anything. To have a proper life with, no.

This reply makes no sense. This poster said all addicts are inherently bad people. Such comments do not deserve sympathy and respect, get a grip.

No. Never.
Alcoholics spread misery liberally whilst pretending everyone else is the problem.

No.
Do not marry an alcoholic.
I've known many in my life.
Many of my university friends became alcoholics (cultivated by every single university activity in the early 1990s involving heavy drinking). Three of them are dead - two men died at 34 and 37 and my female pal died at 44. All lovely people.

I knew he liked a drink but was too naive to think he was an alcoholic.
We’re divorced now.

With him still being so on and off the wagon, it would be too much of a gamble for me. The next attempt to quit might be the one that sticks, or it might not. And a functioning alcoholic can slip into a non-functioning one pretty easily.

No, no way. I wouldn't willingly piss my life away propping up someone on self destruct.

As the child of an alcoholic, from a long line of alcoholic’s, not a chance. I could barely tolerate what some people might consider a moderate drinker. I’ve yet to meet an alcoholic who wasn’t an incredibly selfish, manipulative liar.

Personally I would not