Would you marry an alcoholic?

[Lolaandbehold]

"Inspired" for want of a better word, by the heroin addict husband thread, I have a dilemma of my own.
The short version is this. If your beloved fiancé told you that he was an alcoholic, would you go ahead with the wedding/marriage?

The long version:
A close friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 4 years. Engaged for one year, getting married soon. Wedding booked and paid for.
He hasn't been a big drinker in that time, no more than anyone else. Has a few drinks when he goes out, has maybe two big nights a month at most when they'd have a few too many but nothing unusual. Recently he told her that when he's alone, he has started to drink heavily and can't stop. He decided that he didn't like the road he was heading down, realised that he was becoming dependent so made the decision to quit.
Since then, he's fallen off the bandwagon a few times and this time denied it. She figured it out easily enough and he came clean subsequently and told her the truth. He's now back in AA and determined to commit to sobriety.
He is a wonderful man in all other aspects, he adores my friend, she loves him. We as her friends are really fond of him. As an aside and so as not to drop feed, my friend wants children, as does the fiancé. They are both in quite high stress jobs.

YANBU He's committed to staying off the booze, he's a lovely person. They can get through this together. She should marry him and have a family with him.

YABU Don't take the risk; it will all go horribly wrong.

You should be proud! Don't listen to the aholes on this thread. ❤

No.

No one with experience could say yes.

I did marry an alcoholic. He falls off the wagon now and again but gets back on it when I call him out and is now going to AA meetings. Honestly, I’m really unhappy in the relationship but the drinking isn’t my biggest problem at the moment. I worry about his drinking long term though, especially if something was to happen his family.

Congratulations! That's an amazing achievement 😊

As the child of an alcoholic, I can’t imagine volunteering for that hell

in fairness, there are people who recognize their problem quickly and address it aggressively. while those people get the label of alcoholic, someone who is healthy enough to recognize their issues is entirely different from someone that struggles to reach that point.

that he has stumbled on his path to recovery means she should at least delay the wedding, but really, she probably needs to leave.

Congratulations. That's an amazing achievement.
And actually this is the angle I think that ultimately led me to post this.
He's committed to sobriety, he's wonderful, he loves her, she loves him, no one has a bad word to say against him. Taking his alcoholism out of the equation, he's perfect. So why does alcohol make him untouchable...that's what I'm trying to understand. I have no experience of addiction at all, so just trying to understand really..

I married an alcoholic. Was a disaster from the get go. I divorced him as soon as I could and never looked back.

If you were happy with every other aspect of the relationship, would you consider it a happy marriage? Would you regret marrying him?

No. I wouldn't marry someone I knew to be an addict. I have huge respect for addicts who manage to keep sober, and I mean huge, but I couldn't sign myself up to the potential of that life. If we didn't want children it may be different, but with the desire to bring children into the relationship, never, ever.

So why does alcohol make him untouchable...that's what I'm trying to understand. I have no experience of addiction at all, so just trying to understand really...

It depends on the individual. I think people who have no experience of addiction imagine everyone in recovery is at the "rock bottom" stage but we arent. There are loads of different sorts of people in recovery. People sober for 30 years, people sober for three weeks... People who have lost everything and people who, from the outside, don't appear to have a problem at all.

The problem is the shame of being labelled alcoholic is one of the things that stops some people who could potentially recover from seeking help.

I'd like to live in a world where seeking help for alcohol misuse is as common as going to your GP to get help to quit smoking or lose weight. It's a highly addictive poison - there's nothing inherently shameful about becoming addicted. My favourite quote about addiction is "Your addiction isn't your fault but it is your responsibility".

Absolutely not. I was married to one. He became alcoholic due to the trauma of losing his parents on top of existing issues. He was a good man when I married him, but he put me and the DC through hell.

An addict starting recovery should not be in a relationship at all. This man needs 2 to 3 years to find and maintain sobriety.

No.

Never.

I hate booze.

That's very interesting, thank you. I don't know what the problem is, personally. He is from a happy family, had a good childhood, well educated, good job, lots of friends. But you're right, there must be something there. He's in therapy and I hope that he is getting the help he needs. I feel sad for my friend because it's always going to be in the back of her mind, isn't it?

Alcoholics can & do stay sober. They’re not total write offs as people. Saying that, being in a relationship with someone who has addiction issues is a huge risk, because if they do relapse it can totally turn your life upside down, depending on the type of drunk they are/scale of the drinking. Especially risky if you’re planning on having children. How does his drinking affect her? Is he a violent drunk to himself or people around him? Is this heavy drinking alone a regular occurrence?

I have 4 alcoholic close family members, 1 has been sober for decades, 1 has been sober for years, 1 had their last relapse very recently & 1 died from the illness. So personally, no. All of these people have impacted my life, both positively when sober and hugely negatively when using. So no, I’ve had a gut full. & I wouldn’t subject my kids to a life of risk.

I would but, not while the person was in the process of becoming stable with their sobriety and not, in a million years, if they were trying to hang any of their addiction on my behaviour. I drink because I'm lonely when you aren't here would be such a huge red flag for me. So a yes to marrying someone is his progressed in being sober and takes responsibility, fully, for it themselves.

I would perhaps consider an alcoholic who never drank ever even at social events, if they had been sober for 5+ years. I would not marry someone actively battling with it, and wouldn't want my children to have an alcoholic dad.

The fact he denied it when he fell off the wagon would be a massive red flag to me because it shows he is capable of lying about his drinking. If she wants kids their lives are only going to get more stressful, this bit pre-marriage and kids is the easy bit so no, I wouldn’t risk it with him.

I would not no. I've seen both sides. My FIL is a recovering alcoholic the last 35 years. He attends AA twice a week and has his own social group from that. Before he got sober he was not a nice person, still isn't although he is sober. His alcoholism really affected his second son who us now an alcoholic himself.

MIL stuck by FIL as it was the done thing. They now have a very nice life together, beautiful home, plenty of money, holidays etc. She still attends Al Anon every week.

On the other hand BIL has lost his home, wife and children. He has caused so much damage to them.He refuses to believe he has a problem even though he now lives in a hostel.

Tell your friend to run for the hills, she is only with him four years, its not worth the risk and all the damage he could do.

No. As far as I understand it, AA recommends no big relationship changes in the first year or two.

Wedding planning can be stressful and it takes time and attention. He needs to be focusing on his sobriety, otherwise I would be concerned that every little bit of stress/celebration would give him an excuse to go back to drinking.

If he's that good a partner he needs to be honest with himself and with her that now is not the time for a wedding.

Too many other red flags.
The alcoholism is bad enough, and he is already lying about it, and already falling off the wagon at this early stage.
And he’s blaming her. He’s drinking because he’s lonely when she’s not there. This will make her feel she can’t ever leave him alone, and if she does, she’ll be checking for signs of drinking. Being made to feel responsible for someone else’s addiction is basically a life sentence.

He's committed to sobriety, he's wonderful, he loves her, she loves him, no one has a bad word to say against him

He might say he is committed to sobriety and going to AA etc. But that doesn't mean he is going to achieve sobriety.
The person up thread who has been sober for three years has done amazingly well and of course they won't be unmarriageable and "a piece of shit forever". They have proved they were committed to sobriety by seeing it through and maintaining it.
This bloke has not proven anything. So it's a completely different situation. If he'd been an alcoholic before meeting OP's friend and was now 4 years sober it would be a different story.
But he has been drinking heavily and he's already blaming it on his partner by saying that it's when she isn't there and he's lonely. So that's a red flag there - is she going to be expected to be at home all the time in order to avoid him relapsing.
It would be foolhardy to marry him under the current circumstances. He could drag her down into severe financial difficulties. They want to have children but there is no way children should be brought into that.
The "friend" should cancel the wedding and reconsider everything. Whether she wants to wait around to see if he can get sober and remain sober for a few years is also something to consider. I wouldn't - but I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 5 years and it was just awful.

heroin and alchol are not the same.
My father was a very functional alchoholic. pretty much his entire adult life. When he finally decided to stop-he did.
We had nearly 10 years with him before his early(53yrs)death.
The fact her fella IS do aa and recognising his problem is a huge bonus.
hes not yet a lost cause.he really needs to accept and engage in support.If your friend is stick with him it is entirely in both their intrests if she also has support. AA (used to\no idea about now)offer this too. The most worrying thing for me is a Alchoholic "having a few".
Thats not likelty to work. abstinence really needs to be entirely.

Fuck no

Clearly. And as I said. I find it interesting

I think he only started drinking alone to combat loneliness; when my friend is out or working, he was drinking as he doesn't like being alone

That's a red flag in itself and totally abusive logic - it's making her responsible for his emotions because she's daring to not be under his direct supervision or control at all times.

It means she doesn't go out because he gets sad. It means she is made to dread what she walks back into when she opens her front door in the evening. It means that she feels that she cannot have friends, interests or a career without putting him at the forefront of her mind at every moment of the day.

Oh, but he's such a Good Guy. He really loves her. No, he wants to control her.