To not want DD's 16 & 18 hanging out with a 25 year old woman?

[Duckingella]

DD's have recently in the last few months starting going to a youth & young persons group that in our home town;they do arts there;in this case they perform music at this group.

Elder DD will be 18 next month and is autistic which makes her vulnerable;younger DD has just finished GCSE's and has not long turned 16.

They've made new friends there;they've started spending time with these new friends;I was happy they had made new friends especially elder DD as she struggles with making friends.

However today I've discovered one of these new friends "Jane" is 25;elder DD seems to be spending alot of time with "Jane" and is quite taken with her.For context DD nearly is Gay.

I'm really not happy that "Jane" at 25 is loitering about with a bunch of teenagers that aren't quite adults yet;this is ringing alarm bells for me,at 25 I was married with kids;I certainly wouldn't have been hanging out with girls my daughters ages.

I'm debating wether to contact this youth group and speak with whoever runs it and ask them to speak with Jane and ask her to stay away from my DD's outside of this group's sessions.

*Asking DD's directly to stay away from "Jane" will probably result in an argument.

@WhereshallIwander yeah but Jane isn't a man. Men and women are different.

Loitering is a stange word to use, its as though they are hanging about outside shops?
My 15yo DC goes to a group that allows young people up to the age of late 20 something. They have friends of many ages now, which I think is positive. I understand why you would be concerned, but unless you think drugs are involved you have to let them make their own friendship choices.

When my daughter was a teenager, she was a Saturday girl in a hairdressers and got to be friends with one of the stylists in her twenties. Nothing sinister at all-once she was 18, she went in meals out with them and also some of the older women. There aren’t many 25 year olds now married with kids-for a start, they can’t afford it! Many are only a few years out of education. I’m not sure what your concerns are-is it that you think she might be ‘grooming’ your daughter who you see as vulnerable?

Men are far more likely to be predatory so it’s not comparable

When I was 35 I had a very close friend who was 18. We had a shared hobby and became close. We are still in touch and friendly ten years later. I don't understand what your issue is.

The sibling age gaps in my family are larger than that, so I may be biased - but it seems fine to me.

I'd be more inclined to talk to your girls generally about consent and good relationships vs exploitative ones.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4805598-to-think-25-year-olds-shouldnt-be-hanging-around-with-18-year-olds

I think this really depends on the context, if there are any red flags at all and what exactly the nature of the relationship is.

When I was 11, we had international students staying with us. One of them was a Swedish student age 21. She became like a big sister to me (I was an only child so missed out on sibings) I looked up to her, we went shopping together, watched films together and we are still really great friends 30 years later. She came to my wedding. I went to stay with her in Sweden and she comes over to the UK to visit us. Our families talk to each other and its just a wonderful friendship, nothing weird about it whatsoever. However, much depends on what exactly it is you are concerned about, what your DD is saying about her and what they are doing together. I dont necessarily think having friends with an age gap is an issue, its more about the nature of the relationship.

People can be manipulated and taken advantage of by people close to their age or only a couple of years older so its a bit naive to think that this cannot happen if they are close in age.

When I turned 18 (still in my final year of school doing A levels) I got a job in a pub working behind the bar where the majority of the other staff were 18-30. I became friends with lots of 25 year olds and started hanging out with them outside of work too. Nothing strange about it. A year or so later I started dating a 27 year old … who I’m still with 17 years later, married with a DC! So I think it’s absolutely fine and normal but I appreciate if your DD is autistic she may be vulnerable so keep an eye.

Men and women behave sufficiently differently that the likelihood of one being a risk is far greater than the other. I really don't know why people persist in making this false equivalence. Women are by far less likely to prey on teen girls to exploit them sexually than men are. We all know this full well and most would build this knowledge into our risk assessment, rather than foolishly pretending there's no difference simply to avoid the 'double standards', that are often applied for good reason.

This is a good point.

I also think (I know this is going to sound harsh) that most 18-25 year olds wouldn’t be seen dead at a ‘youth group’ (unless it centres around a specific thing, like a football team), so I’m wondering if both the 18 and 25 year olds in OP’s scenario are quite immature and have just made an innocent friendship.

At 18 I would expect someone to be making friends outside of their normal demographic. It's when you start working and hang out with colleagues, or go to uni and mix with other students who can be older. It would be weird if your DD was only mixing with other 18 year olds at this point.

I remember working in bars and becoming part of a social group and not really knowing exactly how old some people were. In retrospect some must have been mid to late 20s. It wasn't weird, it's just how things are once you leave school and stop getting grouped by age.

I don’t see the problem. When I started Uni at 21 I was good friends with a woman of 37. We became really good friends, still are 20 odd years later.

I don’t think I’d be worried tbh

Both my hobbies mean i meet and become friends with people of all ages, and always have done. Completely normal situation for me

I think some posters are being a little harsh OP. I get that you feel your elder DD is vulnerable and that's totally understandable. That and the fact she's gay is a combination that's making you feel even more anxious. My DD is 24 (so close to Jane's age) and is also gay.

I definitely don't consider my DD to be especially mature - she still rings me regularly to ask daft questions like "what kind of light bulb do I need to buy?" and "how do I cook roast beef?"

I'd suggest that rather than try to force the friendship apart, you meet Jane - invite her round for dinner. Get to know her. Hopefully that'll be enough to allay your fears - most of what you're worried about here is the unknown. Your autistic DD becoming an adult = unknown territory. Your DD being gay and starting to have new relationships = more unknown territory. Jane = unknown (older) stranger being thrown into the already scary mix. You can't stop DD becoming a grown up - gay or not - but you can get to know Jane better and hopefully support your DD in this new relationship, irregardless of whether it's a platonic or romantic one.

The who is Jane in the youth group? Another service user or does she work there? Is her age in line with the group the youth group is aimed at? Is she also vulnerable in some way which is why she might be using the group?

Just consider this might be your DD in a few years if she stays on.

I met my best friend at 19. She was 27 and 24 years later we are still best friends. On the other side one of my friends is 10 years younger than me and we have been friends a few year. The age gap is and always has been irrelevant as we get on as people and understand each other well. Friendships are not generally built on age but mutual respect, understanding, kindness and enjoying each others company.

As long as there is no key information missing such as your DD feeling pressured, or behaving differently in a worrying way I would let it go. You will only push her away if you get involved. I can't even imagine my mum getting involved with my friendships at 14 let alone when I was an adult at 18.

You are at real risk of being controlling and pushing your DD away if you start getting in her friendships.

This wouldn't worry me, there is nothing you have said I'd be concerned about.

Once DC are out of school they will be mixing with people of different ages for various reasons. 18 is an adult so it's a non issue anyway.

I was working at 15 and my closest friend was 24 who i met through work, still friends today, 30 years later.

DS is just 17, he is in a sports team and socialises outside of the sport with some of them, they are between 25 and 45, he is really close to one who is over 40 as they have other joint interests. DS is also a musician so hangs out with many people older than him. He is a very mature 17 and the friendships are fine, my main worry is that he will drink too much when with them but as they know us well too they do look after him.

If it’s a young adults group, 16-25 or 16-30 then you can’t wade in and demand people don’t hang around with your daughters!

With a shared interest group, there is nothing weird about an 18 and a 25 year old hanging out.

If you are worried then meet Jane. If you have real concerns about her after that then talk to the group facilitators. If it’s more you want the facilitators to keep an extra eye on your 18 year old say that.

I don’t get this “age silo” thing. It appears to be fairly recent. When I was in my late teens I had friends in their twenties and thirties, met socially or through work. It was normal.
Now, I have friends up to forty years younger and twenty years older. We have shared views and interests, so we get on well.

I'd suggest that you meet Jane and find out a bit more about her.

It's not that big an age group for young adults sharing a particular hobby.

You also say that your DD struggles with friendships due to her ASD (so does mine). Often to get along with someone who is neuro diverse it takes a greater level of understanding and tolerance of social mistakes than most teenagers have. Your DD may be finding the friendship easier because of Jane's maturity.

I wonder if the age silo is almost a follow on from stranger danger. As a young person who grew up being told not to talk to strangers, which basically means treat any adult who isn't a family member or teacher like a personal threat, I didn't just shake it off when I turned 18. In fact it wasn't until I was mid 20s with my own home that I shook it off and had older adult friends.

My son attends a youth club, he is autistic. The club is for anyone and goes up to age 25, however the sessions are, 12-18 and then 18-25

I wouldn’t have a problem with my 18 year old daughter being friends with a 25 year old, this is something likely to occur in the workplace anyway. I made work friends at 18 that were in their 20’s who I still speak to now and I’m approaching my 40’s.

And imo it wouldn’t be the same if it was a male no, but that’s just living in reality.

Why? I haven't met up with any of my kids friends past primary age. OP is being very controlling.