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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DD's 16 & 18 hanging out with a 25 year old woman?

120 replies

Duckingella · 11/08/2023 03:07

DD's have recently in the last few months starting going to a youth & young persons group that in our home town;they do arts there;in this case they perform music at this group.

Elder DD will be 18 next month and is autistic which makes her vulnerable;younger DD has just finished GCSE's and has not long turned 16.

They've made new friends there;they've started spending time with these new friends;I was happy they had made new friends especially elder DD as she struggles with making friends.

However today I've discovered one of these new friends "Jane" is 25;elder DD seems to be spending alot of time with "Jane" and is quite taken with her.For context DD nearly is Gay.

I'm really not happy that "Jane" at 25 is loitering about with a bunch of teenagers that aren't quite adults yet;this is ringing alarm bells for me,at 25 I was married with kids;I certainly wouldn't have been hanging out with girls my daughters ages.

I'm debating wether to contact this youth group and speak with whoever runs it and ask them to speak with Jane and ask her to stay away from my DD's outside of this group's sessions.

*Asking DD's directly to stay away from "Jane" will probably result in an argument.

OP posts:

Onelifeonly · 11/08/2023 10:44

For the past two years I have coached a young colleague at work. She is now 25 and to be honest, although good enough at her job, she does not feel like a grown up to me. I've worked with many other people in their 20s and she's not the only one there in her 20s at the moment. The other, though somewhat over emotional at times, has a much more adult air about her.

So just to say that 25 year olds can still be not that different from 18/ 19 year olds. The main difference is more life experience and, probably, independence. I do understand your fears, OP. It's not easy to transfer from being the parent of teens to being the parent of grown up children, especially when your child has vulnerabilities and very hard to change your attitudes over night, as it were. But I think you do need to.

I have an 18 year old who has been very much "I'm 18 now, you can't tell me what to do" which is fair enough, but often still acts impulsively and, to my mind, like at younger teen at times, and it does make me anxious. But I'm trying hard to let go and let them make their own mistakes, and learn what life is about.

Best thing is to keep lines of communication open. Show an interest in "Jane" - not an overbearing, 'what is she up to' type of interest, but general chit chat. I find out a lot more by just seeming friendly and interested than demanding answers. You want her to be able to confide in you if she's worried about anything, not hide things for fear of your disapproval. This is general advice, btw, not just for this situation!

Beautiful3 · 11/08/2023 11:00

I'm on the fence here. But I wouldn't be happy either, as she's an adult. If she were a volunteer it would be okay, but a participant befriending children? I wouldn't be happy either. I wouldn't say she is a predator, but I would say it's inappropriate due to her age. If it were a man, there'd be more agreement with you.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 11/08/2023 11:11

At 16 I had a Saturday job in a clothes store in the city centre, and all the staff hung out together - I thought I was so grown up! Even in my uni class we ranged from school leavers to a guy in his 40s. It was a very small year group, first time delivery of a new course, and we all bonded because of our common interest.

I appreciate that it’s different if a person is vulnerable though.

AmazingSnakeHead · 11/08/2023 11:21

I understand OP, and of course you are protective if they are vulnerable - but there isn't anything you can do about it. When I was 18 I had friends of all sorts of ages. I actually started seeing a boyfriend who was 25 at the time. Now that I'm in my 30s I think it's really weird that he wanted to date an 18 year old, and it's unsuprising that we ran into lifestyle problems later in life. But anyway, I was an adult and I would have laughed in my parent's face had they tried to intervene.

Mamai90 · 11/08/2023 11:59

I was 25 when I began working with my friend who was 18. We became the best of friends and ended up flat sharing together. She's still one of my best friends 15 years later. I wouldn't have said the age difference was that noticeable.

When I was 19 I lived with my 27 year old friend. I really don't see the issue?

Coyoacan · 11/08/2023 14:49

I think most people would quite rightly see a 25 year old bloke making friends with a 16 year old girl as troubling and a red flag. It's very unusual not to

I find your opinion very weird, unless you are assuming that every friend is like best friends forever. I'm sure he found me quite immature in a lot of things, but we were part of a larger group.

Are you really only friends with people who are exactly your same age?

Questionsforyou · 11/08/2023 15:51

Coyoacan · 11/08/2023 14:49

I think most people would quite rightly see a 25 year old bloke making friends with a 16 year old girl as troubling and a red flag. It's very unusual not to

I find your opinion very weird, unless you are assuming that every friend is like best friends forever. I'm sure he found me quite immature in a lot of things, but we were part of a larger group.

Are you really only friends with people who are exactly your same age?

But what could a 25 year old have in common with a 16 year old ?
16 year olds are kids.

Coyoacan · 11/08/2023 16:05

But what could a 25 year old have in common with a 16 year old ?
16 year olds are kids

And what is the harm in it?

What is the harm in the OP's dd being friends with someone in a different age group?

Questionsforyou · 11/08/2023 16:10

Coyoacan · 11/08/2023 16:05

But what could a 25 year old have in common with a 16 year old ?
16 year olds are kids

And what is the harm in it?

What is the harm in the OP's dd being friends with someone in a different age group?

Well if the 25 year old is predatory and abusive. That's the harm. In the same way I'd be very uncomfortable if a grown man of 25 was interested in a child.

monsteramunch · 11/08/2023 16:17

Coyoacan · 11/08/2023 14:49

I think most people would quite rightly see a 25 year old bloke making friends with a 16 year old girl as troubling and a red flag. It's very unusual not to

I find your opinion very weird, unless you are assuming that every friend is like best friends forever. I'm sure he found me quite immature in a lot of things, but we were part of a larger group.

Are you really only friends with people who are exactly your same age?

I'm not only friends with people my own age, no.

But at 16, it is absolutely not the norm for a girl to have a 25 year old bloke as a friend.

I think you're being disingenuous if you're genuinely claiming you can't see the potential issues with it, or that you genuinely think my reaction (one of concern / wariness) is 'weird' rather than how the majority of people would feel.

If your 16 year old daughter said they'd made a new friend and it was a 25 year old bloke, you honestly would be as comfortable as if their new friend was their own age? You would think it was 'weird' if someone asked you if you were comfortable with them hanging out with a 25 year old bloke?

Original poster

Duckingella · 11/08/2023 16:17

Thanks to everyone who's replied with helpful advice;as always those are those who haven't been so kind.

Yes as some have pointed out;I am overprotective of my girls (and my sons);DD as you already know has ASD as does my youngest son and other DD has a serious health condition that means she's disabled and also has suspected ADHD;life is interesting with them and I just want to ensure they are happy and safe.

And it is hard to let go as they make the transition into adulthood.

I've also really had my eyes opened in terms of lesbian relationships and dating;that's actually been really useful;DD hasn't yet had a girlfriend so has a lot to learn so to speak about relationships.

I think I will ask my DD to invite "Jane" over so I can meet her;I will also ask DD if Jane is on the spectrum too as some has suggested this.

OP posts:

Wbeezer · 11/08/2023 16:20

It's this kind of attitude that makes my 25 year old son avoid going to any student events as he is a first year mature student and is worried about people being suspicious of him.

LolaSmiles · 11/08/2023 16:23

But what could a 25 year old have in common with a 16 year old ?
16 year olds are kids.
They can have shared volunteering experiences, be part of a sports club, part of a religious organisation, been in a music ensemble or am dram group, or work together.

There's plenty of ways a friendship could develop. Non-predatory adults would ensure the friendship is appropriate and would have a wider life beyond the friendship with the teens.

The red flag would be if the 25 year old was regularly trying to befriend 16-18 year olds, was pushing for more romantic/intimate involvement, or was behaving in a way that's unusual for an adult (eg didn't seem to have friends or interests beyond hanging out with teenagers)

Coyoacan · 11/08/2023 16:40

Well if the 25 year old is predatory and abusive. That's the harm.

So same-age predatory and abusive friends are ok?

Way back in the pre-historic times when I was young, there were a lot of boys of my age who were predatory and abusive, my 25-year-old friend was not.

And later on, the only abusive partner I ever had was seven years younger than me.

sadsack78 · 11/08/2023 17:28

I would bet the farm on this 25 year old having autism herself, or learning difficulties or some other form of neurodivergence. She is probably psychologically at an age/ development level where hanging out with young teens doesn't feel like a huge gap the way it would for others.
I could be totally wrong- it's conjecture. But the average neurotypical 25 year old would not be going to youth clubs with teenagers, either because they're busy or have developed beyond that stage.

sadsack78 · 11/08/2023 17:29

And I do think meeting Jane is a very good idea- you will be able to understand the lay of the land far better and watch out for your kids.

JudgeAnderson · 11/08/2023 18:12

So OP what is the ceiling age you would consider okay to be friends with your 18 year old?

Questionsforyou · 11/08/2023 18:20

Coyoacan · 11/08/2023 16:40

Well if the 25 year old is predatory and abusive. That's the harm.

So same-age predatory and abusive friends are ok?

Way back in the pre-historic times when I was young, there were a lot of boys of my age who were predatory and abusive, my 25-year-old friend was not.

And later on, the only abusive partner I ever had was seven years younger than me.

I feel like this is really strange.

I think, yes, an older adult being friends with a child has more risk of being odd than a same age friendship, yes. I wouldn't want my 16 year old being friends with a 25 year old. I think it is very strange. That's not to say there can't be some positive interactions, within groups, within work, volunteering etc. But a 25 year old adult who wants to be friends with a child - nope I don't get why they would want that. What does a child bring to their life.

JudgeAnderson · 11/08/2023 18:35

I honestly think that the strangest part is the OP planning to contact the group leader to attempt to get them to police what is effectively adult interaction (between the 18 and 25 year old).

Branleuse · 02/10/2023 11:50

i think you may be worrying prematurely. Nothing about what youve said sounds like its grooming. Just sounds like a group where they all have similar interests.

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