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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD's 16 & 18 hanging out with a 25 year old woman?

120 replies

Duckingella · 11/08/2023 03:07

DD's have recently in the last few months starting going to a youth & young persons group that in our home town;they do arts there;in this case they perform music at this group.

Elder DD will be 18 next month and is autistic which makes her vulnerable;younger DD has just finished GCSE's and has not long turned 16.

They've made new friends there;they've started spending time with these new friends;I was happy they had made new friends especially elder DD as she struggles with making friends.

However today I've discovered one of these new friends "Jane" is 25;elder DD seems to be spending alot of time with "Jane" and is quite taken with her.For context DD nearly is Gay.

I'm really not happy that "Jane" at 25 is loitering about with a bunch of teenagers that aren't quite adults yet;this is ringing alarm bells for me,at 25 I was married with kids;I certainly wouldn't have been hanging out with girls my daughters ages.

I'm debating wether to contact this youth group and speak with whoever runs it and ask them to speak with Jane and ask her to stay away from my DD's outside of this group's sessions.

*Asking DD's directly to stay away from "Jane" will probably result in an argument.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 11/08/2023 05:38

Sorry op but you are being ridiculous..

Merseymum992 · 11/08/2023 05:42

What does "nearly is gay" mean?

MumGMT · 11/08/2023 06:02

I'm debating wether to contact this youth group and speak with whoever runs it and ask them to speak with Jane and ask her to stay away from my DD's outside of this group's sessions.

Why would they get involved in what the group members do outside of the sessions?

TBH if I ran the group I'd be nervous having your daughters remain as members of the youth club if I got a request like that.

Beachywave · 11/08/2023 06:09

Do you know whether Jane is autistic herself or not?

Original poster
Duckingella · 11/08/2023 06:29

MRex · 11/08/2023 04:42

You've posted about this before. My answer hasn't changed; it's fine for people to have friends who aren't exactly the same age. Until there is an actual problem, don't get in the way of your DDs having friends.

I haven't posted anything about it before.

OP posts:
MRex · 11/08/2023 06:39

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Questionsforyou · 11/08/2023 06:44

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Isn't the only thing that's similar here the ages?

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 11/08/2023 06:44

Why is ageism okay as long as it’s directed to people of a certain age? Your post is really judgemental and discriminatory. When I was 18 I had friends whose ages ranged between 15 and 40! People just sometimes get on. Age is just a number. Are you suggesting that because this person is less than ten years older than your daughters, she must be some sort of predator? Why are you so suspicious of this person? I think you need to evaluate where your suspicions and judgement come from rather than expect your daughters to cut off a friend for literally no reason.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 11/08/2023 06:47

Also, if I were the youth group leader I’d be horrified by your request, consider it entirely unreasonable and ask that if you had a problem with your daughters socialising with the other youth group members (which is the entire point of a youth group!!!) then you ask them to pull out. I’d definitely not risk really hurting and knocking the confidence of the 25 year old by telling her to stay away from her friends for literally no reason. I’d not get involved but I’d also be concerned and sad for your daughters.

cloudydays97 · 11/08/2023 06:47

@MRex don't think it's fair to accuse OP like that. I really don't like the trend for dredging through the past and accusing OPs on the basis of very little. Like another poster said, the only similarity between the OPs is the ages

HamishTheCamel · 11/08/2023 06:50

@MRex don't you think it's more likely that someone else has been in a slightly similar position before?

WhatNoRaisins · 11/08/2023 06:50

It's not reasonable to expect the youth group leader to manage this, they're not children.

Fatkittythinkitty · 11/08/2023 06:55

Hell of a reach to say that thread is the op - it's one thing people changing minor details but no way would someone leave out or change important details such as the 18 year old being autistic and having few friends.

Op, this kind of situation could come up again even if you were able to stop this friendship. I think you would be better to keep communication open with your daughter and see if she says anything that worries you. That way you can guide her on what a healthy friendship is.

MRex · 11/08/2023 06:55

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Takacupokindnessyet · 11/08/2023 06:55

In the adult world age isn't a consideration for friendship so even if you try to block this friendship, she will be mixing with people of all ages going forward.

LolaSmiles · 11/08/2023 06:56

If the youth group is actually a young adults group, "Jane" is within the age of the group and is behaving approximately for an adult, then there's not a lot you can do. Plenty of people will develop friendships with people who are older through work or a hobby.

I do find myself a little wary of adults in their mid 20s seeking to befriend 16-18 year olds though. If "Jane" seems to mainly want to befriend teenagers and/or seems to want to be more involved than a typical adult would then I'd be keeping an eye.

I remember that thread MRex and thought the adult in that situation was a bit strange to be that invested in tagging into a teenage friendship group and picking 16 year olds up from college all the time.

tictactoe1234 · 11/08/2023 06:59

25 and going to a youth club is odd

WhatNoRaisins · 11/08/2023 06:59

The 25 year old in the other thread was definitely stranger as she was apparently tagging along with the teenagers and going to sleepovers at their parents homes.

Xmasbaby11 · 11/08/2023 07:00

Is the youth group up to age 25? I had no idea it would go beyond the age of 18 - surely after that age, they are adults who can go to pubs and join adult settings. I am surprised that 20somethings would want to join a youth club and mix with much younger people.

My DD is autistic which makes her vulnerable and also lacking maturity and struggles with her peers. She's only 11 now but I can't imagine being happy with this situation at 18.

YANBU to be concerned, but you can't involve the group leader.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/08/2023 07:06

Youth seems to be a term so broad it's meaningless. I've heard of youth groups for people as young as 10 and then other ones with people as old as 40.

Clarinet1 · 11/08/2023 07:12

I think you should meet “Jane”. This may reassure you or, alternatively, give you more reason to discuss boundaries with your DD.
However, if there is no sexual element, it think that friendships between a young person and a same-sex older person (teacher, neighbour, work colleague…) can often be very supportive and helpful, someone with maturity who can act as a sounding board without the connotation of being a parent.

Acevhfs · 11/08/2023 07:13

Yabu I have work friends who are 30/40 years older then me this is what happens when you get older and enter the world

MeridianB · 11/08/2023 07:15

NumberTheory · 11/08/2023 03:46

I assume you think Jane may be grooming your DD to become romantically/sexually involved? Using the youth group as a way to meet vulnerable/more impressionable young people who might be more easily impressed by some of the more shallow aspects of experience and sophistication that a 25 year old is likely to have?

I think this is tricky. I’d be concerned if I thought there were sexual/romantic relationships being developed with large age gaps (and, at 17, an 8 year age gap is pretty large, nearly half her life). But I’m not sure what you can do about it other than to raise concerns with whichever organization leads the group and ask them what their safeguarding policies are to ensure younger members aren’t subject to predatory advances.

Does this sum it up OP? Worth checking with the group today. Can you go there in person?

I don't think you're being over-sensitive because your 18yo is more vulnerable than most. I'd want to know why any 25yo adult was hanging around with teens.

I also suspect that a 25yo man hanging out at a centre like this and 'getting close' to a vulnerable 18yo girl may have had a different reaction.

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 11/08/2023 07:21

NumberTheory · 11/08/2023 03:46

I assume you think Jane may be grooming your DD to become romantically/sexually involved? Using the youth group as a way to meet vulnerable/more impressionable young people who might be more easily impressed by some of the more shallow aspects of experience and sophistication that a 25 year old is likely to have?

I think this is tricky. I’d be concerned if I thought there were sexual/romantic relationships being developed with large age gaps (and, at 17, an 8 year age gap is pretty large, nearly half her life). But I’m not sure what you can do about it other than to raise concerns with whichever organization leads the group and ask them what their safeguarding policies are to ensure younger members aren’t subject to predatory advances.

^ yep. This.
Maybe go along one day and pick the girls up, meet Jane? Speak to the leaders etc.

People have jumped on to say how awful you are but I can guarantee if it were a male 25 year old with your 16/18 old with additional needs they would be questioning. Yes it's a lot less likely for a female to be a sex offender/predator but not impossible. Of course, it could be fully innocent but no harm in due diligence.

Dragonwindow · 11/08/2023 07:24

I understand why you are more anxious - having a vulnerable teenager makes you more protective. And I personally find it a bit strange to have a youth group that goes from 16 all the way up to 25- as a teacher, that does raise some safeguarding issues (not insurrmountable, but should be acknowledged - 16 year olds and 25 year olds have very different safeguarding needs).

But you may well find that a 25yo who attends this kind of youth group is also vulnerable herself rather than predatory.

If she is a "leader" of any sort within the group, which would place her in a position of trust, it would be inappropriate for her to persue a friendship with an 18yo, and it would be illegal for her to get involved in a romantic relationship.