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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want DD's 16 & 18 hanging out with a 25 year old woman?

120 replies

Duckingella · 11/08/2023 03:07

DD's have recently in the last few months starting going to a youth & young persons group that in our home town;they do arts there;in this case they perform music at this group.

Elder DD will be 18 next month and is autistic which makes her vulnerable;younger DD has just finished GCSE's and has not long turned 16.

They've made new friends there;they've started spending time with these new friends;I was happy they had made new friends especially elder DD as she struggles with making friends.

However today I've discovered one of these new friends "Jane" is 25;elder DD seems to be spending alot of time with "Jane" and is quite taken with her.For context DD nearly is Gay.

I'm really not happy that "Jane" at 25 is loitering about with a bunch of teenagers that aren't quite adults yet;this is ringing alarm bells for me,at 25 I was married with kids;I certainly wouldn't have been hanging out with girls my daughters ages.

I'm debating wether to contact this youth group and speak with whoever runs it and ask them to speak with Jane and ask her to stay away from my DD's outside of this group's sessions.

*Asking DD's directly to stay away from "Jane" will probably result in an argument.

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckingella · 11/08/2023 03:07

They should say "DD nearly 18 is gay".

OP posts:
abmac95 · 11/08/2023 03:12

But what age is the youth group aimed at? If its say 16 to 25 then she is doing nothing wrong.

CobraKaiNeverLoses · 11/08/2023 03:14

What’s your problem with this, exactly? What do you think might happen?

passthesugar · 11/08/2023 03:18

Is there a particular reason why you're concerned? I'm not sure I see the issue. Do you have reason to think she is harming your kids in some way?

thaegumathteth · 11/08/2023 03:19

When I was 18 I worked in a pub and made really good friends with 2 women, both aged 40 and were still in touch now 24 years later.

Anotherparkingthread · 11/08/2023 03:22

There's only a few years between them, what exactly do you want the youth group to do to stop one adult talking to another adult? Your dd will be 18 and frankly can choose to spend time with whoever she wants. You have no proof that this interest is romantic so you have jumped to a conclusion already. And even if it was, your reaction is hugely overblown, gay and lesbian relationships often have larger age gaps as the dating pool is considerably smaller. It seems you don't know this woman other than by name and you have branded her some kind of predator. I would absolutely hate to be one of your daughters.

DaftyLass · 11/08/2023 03:29

Has there been a problem, a change in behaviour, trouble with settling?

ilovepuppies2019 · 11/08/2023 03:30

Uni would usually have students who range from 18 to at least 25. No one would blink an eye at students of these ages becoming friends and it would not be highly unusual for a romantic connection to form. It is age appropriate for an 18 and 25 year old to be in the same social setting so it would be strange for you to try and break this friendship apart. They are equivalent social peers. It's not surprising that the 16 would share the friendship.

Gently, it's unusual to be married at 25 nowadays. The rush to be married with kids and leading an 'adult' life has changed. Emerging adulthood is a well recognised life stage now and the 18 year old and 25 year old are both in that stage. As education takes longer and women can get high paying jobs, there is no need to be married young.

Louise303 · 11/08/2023 03:31

I would meet Jane I would not be too concerned at this if the group is up to 25.

WhereshallIwander · 11/08/2023 03:34

I don't think I'd be happy either tbh thinking about it.
Is the girl a leader or just a member of the group?
What kind of music do they play?

ilovepuppies2019 · 11/08/2023 03:35

I think that this might feel like a big deal because it's a youth group and you associate that with teenagers. Presumably this youth group includes up to 25 year olds? Or is she a counsellor at the youth group? This would be more concerning because of the power imbalance. If she's another member of the group then there is nothing wrong with her presence in the group.

Would you feel the same if you DD got a job in the next 6 months and became friends with her 25 year old co-worker? That would be perfectly normal. It being a youth group doesn't change this.

Coyoacan · 11/08/2023 03:39

WhereI live it is quite common to be friends with a wide range of people of different ages. I find your attitude very strange.

vodkaredbullgirl · 11/08/2023 03:41

Meet up with this Jane person.

WhereshallIwander · 11/08/2023 03:45

Coyoacan · 11/08/2023 03:39

WhereI live it is quite common to be friends with a wide range of people of different ages. I find your attitude very strange.

So would you be happy if it was a man of 25 was hanging out with your vulnerable 18 or 16 y/o dd ( presuming she wasn't gay?).

NumberTheory · 11/08/2023 03:46

I assume you think Jane may be grooming your DD to become romantically/sexually involved? Using the youth group as a way to meet vulnerable/more impressionable young people who might be more easily impressed by some of the more shallow aspects of experience and sophistication that a 25 year old is likely to have?

I think this is tricky. I’d be concerned if I thought there were sexual/romantic relationships being developed with large age gaps (and, at 17, an 8 year age gap is pretty large, nearly half her life). But I’m not sure what you can do about it other than to raise concerns with whichever organization leads the group and ask them what their safeguarding policies are to ensure younger members aren’t subject to predatory advances.

autienotnaughti · 11/08/2023 03:47

I understand your concerns she is a grown woman and your dds are still children. I'd probably want to meet her and get a sense of who she is. You could speak to staff at club about age range it might be a normal hang out for up to mid twenties

PretzelKnot · 11/08/2023 03:57

My friend is a youth pastor and he has said before that one difficult part of his job is getting older young adults to move on from youth groups for teenagers and very young adults He says that it isn’t necessarily predatory and the person often is very immature and young for mid twenties and finds hanging out with younger adults more comfortable.

Coyoacan · 11/08/2023 03:59

o would you be happy if it was a man of 25 was hanging out with your vulnerable 18 or 16 y/o dd ( presuming she wasn't gay?)

I had a male friend who was 25 when I was 16. I wasn't vulnerable and he wasn't a romantic interest.

On the one hand you say your 18 year old has difficulty making friends and on the other, you want to separate her from the friend she has made.

What would be the worst that could happen if it turns out that Jane has romantic intentions?

WhereshallIwander · 11/08/2023 04:01

PretzelKnot · 11/08/2023 03:57

My friend is a youth pastor and he has said before that one difficult part of his job is getting older young adults to move on from youth groups for teenagers and very young adults He says that it isn’t necessarily predatory and the person often is very immature and young for mid twenties and finds hanging out with younger adults more comfortable.

Yes, that rings a bell. I was 13 when a 17 year old boy started dating me from the church youth group. It wasn't just a hug and kiss either!
My dad was furious when he found out.

My dd1 is nearly 14 and I can't imagine her dating anyone let alone a 17 year old.

Valeriekat · 11/08/2023 04:42

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MRex · 11/08/2023 04:42

You've posted about this before. My answer hasn't changed; it's fine for people to have friends who aren't exactly the same age. Until there is an actual problem, don't get in the way of your DDs having friends.

DdraigGoch · 11/08/2023 05:19

WhereshallIwander · 11/08/2023 03:45

So would you be happy if it was a man of 25 was hanging out with your vulnerable 18 or 16 y/o dd ( presuming she wasn't gay?).

Show quote history

A man could do a lot worse if he were inclined to.

GoodChat · 11/08/2023 05:34

I was working at 16 and had friends in their 40s.

curaçao · 11/08/2023 05:37

PretzelKnot · 11/08/2023 03:57

My friend is a youth pastor and he has said before that one difficult part of his job is getting older young adults to move on from youth groups for teenagers and very young adults He says that it isn’t necessarily predatory and the person often is very immature and young for mid twenties and finds hanging out with younger adults more comfortable.

But presumably Jane is within t he age range catered for? For example a youth group I am familiar with (young farmers) is for 10 to 28 year olds.
No, you cannot possibly ask the youth leader to tell Jane, an adult, not to meet up with your dd, also an adult!

garlictwist · 11/08/2023 05:37

My husband has a best mate who is ten years older than him. They met at the skatepark when my husband was 15 and he was 25. They are now 32 and 42 respectively.

It never strikes me as weird as they are such old friends but I suppose it is a bit on paper. I think they just clicked doing a mutual hobby so the age thing wasn't a big deal. They even went travelling together when husband was 18.

So I guess I'm saying it's probably ok.