To not want DD's 16 & 18 hanging out with a 25 year old woman?

[Duckingella]

DD's have recently in the last few months starting going to a youth & young persons group that in our home town;they do arts there;in this case they perform music at this group.

Elder DD will be 18 next month and is autistic which makes her vulnerable;younger DD has just finished GCSE's and has not long turned 16.

They've made new friends there;they've started spending time with these new friends;I was happy they had made new friends especially elder DD as she struggles with making friends.

However today I've discovered one of these new friends "Jane" is 25;elder DD seems to be spending alot of time with "Jane" and is quite taken with her.For context DD nearly is Gay.

I'm really not happy that "Jane" at 25 is loitering about with a bunch of teenagers that aren't quite adults yet;this is ringing alarm bells for me,at 25 I was married with kids;I certainly wouldn't have been hanging out with girls my daughters ages.

I'm debating wether to contact this youth group and speak with whoever runs it and ask them to speak with Jane and ask her to stay away from my DD's outside of this group's sessions.

*Asking DD's directly to stay away from "Jane" will probably result in an argument.

I would want to know why a 25-year-old was going to a club like this. Does she work there?

When I was 18 I joined a club that was 18-25 age group. I’m now in my 40’s and these people are still my friends.
And probably not what you want to hear, one of them, who was 6 years older, became my boyfriend and we’ve now been together 29 years.

There is no other situation apart from school, that you are expected to be friends with only people born within 12 calendar months of you. I’ve friends now from early 20’s to their 70’s and life is better for it!

My 18yo (nearly 19) DD plays for an adult ladies football team. The majority of the team are 23-30 (finished uni age). They socialise a lot. My DDs closest friend in the group is 24. She's often at ours for overnight/dinner before they go drinking. Or DD at hers. It's really no big deal. But then, by DD isn't vulnerable and has always been fairly mature for her age.

The age is irrelevant.

Surely if your DD is autistic you understand that some people are socially and emotionally younger than their peers of a same age.
Its very possible that this women is socially much younger.

Your DDs joined this club I’m assuming yi socialise and make friends, which they’re doing.

Why not tell them they can invite Jane over and just get to know her a bit more.

You absolutely cannot tell them not to see her as they are adults and will probably see her more.

It sounds like you’re worried that your DD is going to start having s sexual relationship with her but I would say it’s quite common for an 18 y/o to be in a relationship with a 25 y/o.

If they met in a work context waitressing or such I’d be totally ok with it. At a ‘youth group’ I’d be looking carefully at what kind of youth group it was , and why people are there.

At 18 I was at university and joined a couple of clubs, one in particular I spent a lot of time in, socialising after activities. Some of the members were mature students, anything from 25-45 years old. I never considered anything wrong with different ages being part of the club. I'm still friends with a couple of them now, 30 years later!

And you absolutely cannot ask the club leader to tell Jane what to do outside the club. He has no authority over her outside the club, and she's an adult, she can do what she wants. It's only a five year age difference. I'd be surprised if other 18 year olds don't have friends of the same age through work or college or sport or whatever.

I went to a theatre group in my early to late teens where I hung out with members aged in early/mid 20s and we were great mates and are still friends today, 20-odd years later. It's about the activities you're doing together and arty folk tend to be more broad-minded and not see the differences so much, which is great for your DDs if they lack confidence/social skills/friendships. You sound like you're coming from a much more trad place, being married with kids at 25, but as PP said, that's not the norm for most people in their 20s now and they're still 'young people' in a way that's changed a lot since you were 25. Rather than worrying about some nefarious grooming situation (can only assume this is why the gay element was mentioned), try to stay more open and let them make their own way - even if they happen to make some mistakes. It's hardly the most threatening situation, they're not children and she's not an old perv. Let them build their friendships and enjoy themselves without you getting involved.

I'm really not getting the issue at all here.

During the pandemic my dd aged 19 made friends with a 25 year old woman - initially online but they soon started meeting up. My dd had never at that time expressed much interest in either boys or girls, and all her friends had been female (though now has had the same boyfriend for over 2 years). I considered it could be a sexual / romantic relationship since they generally spent whole weekends together at the woman's place (not allowed technically by pandemic rules) but dd said it wasn't sexual and the woman was grieving a break up with a boyfriend.

My concern was initially about the age gap as dd was quite young for her age and this woman took a lot of control over dd's life - got her a job, ordered meals to be delivered for her to our house etc.

But I accepted it since dd was technically grown up and it didn't feel like she would come to any harm (I met the woman etc.) As she became more controlling, dd would confide in me but for a while wanted to continue the friendship. But eventually she saw the manipulation and gas lighting for what it was, and reacted against it, thus ending the friendship.

To be honest it seemed like a good learning experience for dd! (But even typing this still makes me think it was a romantic, albeit emotionally abusive, relationship for the woman.)

You need to let your 16 and 18 year olds live. How long do you plan on keeping them as children ?

For me, this is exactly the point.

So many people giving lovely examples of work colleagues, theatre groups, foreign exchange students, family friends, organised group hobbies. This is none of those, so it stands out and the OP is worried because her DD is more vulnerable. Doesn't hurt to find out more.

Maybe the OP is uncomfortable as their elder DD is autistic and might be more easily taken advantage of. It's not that unusual for parents of 18 year old autistic children to keep a close eye on their social life as sometimes they (the children) may need some guidance.

I am 60 and one of my closest friends is only 8 years older than my eldest DC. Frend is also gay.
Is there any romantic interest? No.
We are just great friends brought together through our mutual love of dogs and working in the same field.

Incidently we both work with young people with learning difficulties. The term applies young people up to the age of 26 and there will be quite an age gap between members of groups, especially in social settings and friendships will not be interfered with. However this would not be the case if the elder friend is one of the youth workers. It would then be a safeguarding matter and you would have the right to express your concerns OP.

I think that is a good thing. Through school they just know people the same age, GS who lives with me is 18 and just started work and I can see some positive things from him now having colleagues who are older. Gives him a bit of a different perspective and it isn't mum/gran who obviously know nothing.

Your DD is 'quite taken' with Jane. So what? Is there actually anything to suggest that Jane is equally 'quite taken' with your DD? Has anything happened to suggest that Jane has done anything untoward?

The language you use in your post is really weird - 'loitering about' for example. She's a member of a music group for young people. She's not 'loitering about'.

You've basically decided a 25-year-old woman must be some kind of weird predator with zero evidence.

When I was 18 I had part time jobs and I was at university and I had lots of friends in their 20s, both colleagues and students. There were mature students on my course and there were MA students and overseas students in halls with us who were mid-20s and older. Plenty of 18-year-olds are in full-time work and meeting friends and colleagues of all ages.

You mention that you were married with children at 25. Most people, however, are not. I don't know any 25-year-olds who are. You can't assume that the lifestyle you had at 25 is indicative of the mindset of the average 25-year-old.

@Coyoacan

I had a male friend who was 25 when I was 16. I wasn't vulnerable and he wasn't a romantic interest.

So you wouldn't be concerned if your 16 year old daughter told you she had made a new friend and they were a 25 year old bloke?

I think most people would quite rightly see a 25 year old bloke making friends with a 16 year old girl as troubling and a red flag. It's very unusual not to.

What are they doing outside of the group meeting times?
This 25yr old may act much younger for a variety of reasons.

If I was you I'd find time to get to know 'Jane'.
She might just be immature but otherwise lovely and have zero intentions towards your DD.
Offer them a lift somewhere/a lift home or offer to take them out for the day shopping to a different town, something like that?
Or ask if some of the youth/music group want to come over to yours for a movie and order pizzas, something like that? Just try to be subtle about it.

Lesbian relationships tend to have a big age gap, my friend was 32 when she started dating a 21 year old, to be fair we did raise eyebrows at the time. My friend had been with her husband since she started uni at 18 up until they broke up. He was 6 years older, so she was in a similar position when they met she was 18 and him 24, he was doing higher degrees and then got a job at the uni. They broke up and she decided she was bi. She was dating women around aged 20 when we were all 31/32 I found this all kinds of weird truth be told. I think because my friend was so inexperienced in gay relationships she went for young women who were in the same boat. Anyway she married the girl 11 years younger last year, she's 39 and the wife is 28 now. I wouldn't be surprised if it does turn into something romantic, your daughter is 18 soon so can date who she likes, even if you don't like the age gap, you can't micromanage her relationships once she's an adult.

Me neither. Maybe we need to try harder?

They are 18 and 25 not 13 🤣. I'm sure at 25 this woman can drive, if she wanted to go anywhere with the daughter such as shopping she'd drive herself.

I have an adult son who is on the autistic spectrum - I understand how hard it is make that transition as a parent of a child with autism to a parent of an adult with autism but she is going to the youth group with her sister who I guess will have looked out for her older sister over the years. She is socialising in an organised setting ie she is not out clubbing and drinking. People on the autistic spectrum very often prefer an organised social group setting where there is more structure. I would say you are extra nervous about your daughter going out in the wider world without your supervision but it has to be done in order for her to grow as a person. I would say keep a dialogue going with her about this relationship but don't be too intensive. I am guessing that her sister is more socially aware even if she is younger so she will be more likely to pick up any odd behaviour in this older girl.if she has romantic intentions then that will develop naturally. I assume your daughter is somewhere along autism spectrum and that she is higher functioning- goes to mainstream education etc ? If she is then you have to take a back seat and watch from the sidelines and just see what happens. It's the hardest thing you have to do as the parent of a teen /adult with asd.my son is his late 20's and he has a good job and lives independently.
But I still worry about him ! He stills struggles with his social skills.

I am going to be very gentle with you because I too have an 18 year old with autism and I completely understand that parents like us can't just make that switch to 'oh well they're adults now'.

However, this is a perfect opportunity to take the foot of the gas for a little bit. If the group is aged between 16 - 25 or whatever, the woman is doing nothing wrong. It is highly possible that she's autistic herself - my DS has always done better with younger children than with children his own age.

Do not go and speak to the leader, instead keep the lines of communication open. Ask the lady over for tea, or whatever you would normally do with their friends. In other words, treat it as normal and a good opportunity to practice a different kind of friendship.

I belonged to a similar group at that age and it was incredibly helpful for bridging that gap between schoolgirl and young adult. I was able to hang out with 16-25-year-olds and work through some of my uncertainties about what to do next in my life with people who were at the same life stage, and try out things like going to the pub, or getting myself back from places late at night on public transport with people who weren't family. It was a great time and I made friends that I still have now, even though it was long ago and far away. I am also autistic, though I didn't know it at the time, and though I'm not gay, there were boys and young men there too, so it's the same difference really.

The key point I want to make is that my mother had huge difficulty with it all and reacted really obnoxiously. She hadn't wanted me to go there in the first place, but she thought a youth group would be a controlled environment, and that she could appeal to some leader or something the minute she didn't like something - but she couldn't. I wasn't a child, and I wasn't doing anything wrong, and nor was anyone else there. I was just growing away from her, which is normal, but she did everything she could to screw it up for me and in the end it hastened the process. I left home earlier than planned and moved into a flatshare, and tbh our relationship never really recovered.

Unless there's something incendiary you've left out, nothing that isn't totally normal is going on here. Your n18yo may be autistic but she's going to grow up and move out into the world whatever you do, and this group is probably the safest space in which she could do that in baby steps. Be glad she's made a friend. Be glad, if you must, that her NT sister is there as an extra pair of eyes. But don't screw things up for her. This is your own anxiety and possessiveness talking. Own it, and get mastery of it, or you will do lasting damage to your relationship with her.

If the OP does it right it will show Jane that she is welcome and also if the OPs daughters are telling lies about the OP, Jane can see they are untrue.

Where I worked we all hung out together - oldest was 32, youngest was 17, I was 25 at the time. Everyone got on great. I think you're making an issue out of nothing. 25 yr olds these days are pretty immature in the main!