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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thinking about moving boyfriend in?

146 replies

pankasyno23 · 11/08/2023 00:49

I know I'll more than likely be judged so I have NC.

I've got a just turned 5 year old DS from a previous relationship. I'm 6 months pregnant but I only found out 2 months ago. I've only been with my boyfriend for 7 months, I know please don't judge! When I found out I was pregnant it was too late to abort but I don't think I would've anyway. My boyfriend is supportive and we're both happy. DS has met my boyfriend as just a friend as he knew him before we got into a relationship.

I'm thinking of asking him to move in but my friends have said it's too soon. AIBU?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 11/08/2023 00:53

Do you honestly need to ask?, of course it is too soon

Athrawes · 11/08/2023 00:55

It wouldn't be too soon if it was just you and him. But it might be with your 5 year old.
That said, you are going to need support and to explain to the 5 year old where the baby came from...

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 00:57

Can you see the relationship lasting? Or are you still together because of the pregnancy?

AffIt · 11/08/2023 01:31

Yes, it's far too soon.

I'd say more, but it would get me banned.

IneedcoffeeinanIV22 · 11/08/2023 02:32

Yes on paper it is too soon. However you are having a baby together so time doesn't really factor into it. If you are both comfortable and ready for it and more importantly your DD is then go for it. My partner moved in after 2 months (it was covid time so it was either that or we didn't see each other) and now we've been together over 3 years, have another baby and are getting married in October. So not every rash decision turns into crap. Good luck!

ImustLearn2Cook · 11/08/2023 02:41

Can he stay with you more often to help with the baby, but keep his and your options open by not giving up his current residence?

Then after some time if it’s all working out with all of you and your son is happy you can revisit the idea of him moving in with you.

RantyAnty · 11/08/2023 02:53

Of course not.

He's a stranger.

StressedToDeathhhh · 11/08/2023 02:53

Wayyyyyy too soon but I agree to have him stay over sometimes and see how that goes for now as you probably will want him to stay sometimes when the baby is here and you don't want to be introducing lots of changes at the same time for your son

StressedToDeathhhh · 11/08/2023 02:56

Just to add - I was with my ex for 4 years (knew him for 10 years before that), never planned to move in as I had a child and he had two and it seemed too complicated. I got caught out with an unexpected pregnancy and moved him into my house and it was the stupidest mistake I ever made. Turned out I barely knew him at all really because living with someone is very very different to dating them. So no judgement here but absolutely don't do it after 7 months, that's nothing and he's basically a stranger to your child

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 02:57

AffIt · 11/08/2023 01:31

Yes, it's far too soon.

I'd say more, but it would get me banned.

Same here.

Your existing child must be your priority.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 02:58

RantyAnty · 11/08/2023 02:53

Of course not.

He's a stranger.

This x1000.

GoodChat · 11/08/2023 06:20

He doesn't need to move in. Your son needs to take priority here.

LolaSmiles · 11/08/2023 06:24

As there's a baby arriving soon you're probably going to have to do some introductions and involvement earlier than ideal, but your boyfriend doesn't need to move in.

Your existing child needs some stability, not the shock of a stranger moving in and a baby.

splitin3 · 11/08/2023 06:31

The best solution is to have him start to stay over a couple of times a week and see how he interacts with your child.

If it goes well then increase the time together and have him stay with you for a couple of weeks after baby to help you get back on your feet.

If the dynamic with him your first child and your joint child still ok then consider a permanent move after 6 months.

The issue will be ;

  1. How does he get on with your first child and vice versa.
  1. Does his behaviour change to your first child when your joint child is here.

Unfortunately it's not really about you and him. That's pretty much secondary to him and the kids and a completely different thing to setting up home together without kids in the mix. Just you and him - doesn't matter if it doesn't work. You just split. Don't put the kids through that though if avoidable.

Godzillaisjusthangry · 11/08/2023 06:38

I always feel so sad for the kids in situations like this 🙁

At 7 months, this guy is practically still a stranger to you as well as your son. Why would you even think about upsetting his stability because you made a mistake. You have literally no real idea of who you are inviting into his safe space yet. Think on that.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 11/08/2023 06:40

You don't truly know someone until you live with them.
Different but relevant.
Dh's friend stayed with us whilst sorting his life out/finding somewhere to live after an acrimonious split.
We've known him over 10 years so didn't hesitate to help him. It was a nightmare. I always knew he was a bit tight but he was a total freeloader. Selfish & inconsiderate. And he had some awful personal habits.
All of which had never surfaced with us before.
I now detest him.
He will never stay with us again.

MavisMcMinty · 11/08/2023 06:43

God no, don’t move him in! Keep your own (safe) space for you and your children, so much easier to end things when you come to realise what a prat he is (of course he may turn out to be a good’un but best to go into this with your eyes wide open). Keep your independence, your income and your home.

Yahyahs22 · 11/08/2023 07:24

Godzillaisjusthangry · 11/08/2023 06:38

I always feel so sad for the kids in situations like this 🙁

At 7 months, this guy is practically still a stranger to you as well as your son. Why would you even think about upsetting his stability because you made a mistake. You have literally no real idea of who you are inviting into his safe space yet. Think on that.

Agreed

autienotnaughti · 11/08/2023 07:42

Does he stay over? I would have him stay a couple of nights a week plus do stuff together inthe day and see how things go. You may like this guy but your dc deserves time and space to develop a relationship with him. Also see how he is when the baby is here. It's a gamble hopefully he's a good one and if he is he will go at your pace and be respectful of your child. Any signs he's not - negativity towards your son, criticism of you or your parenting, issues around money, temper/violence, reliability, pressuring you. Walk away.

londonrach · 11/08/2023 07:45

Be careful. How well do you know him. Your son doesn't know him at all. A stranger in his safe space. Your son should take priority here

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/08/2023 07:50

All these pp saying no way- she's going to need a lot of help around very soon with her new baby!

How has he got on with your son? Has he stayed over and been in the home with him? Does your som feel ok? How does your son feel about baby coming?

I would feel nervous at this stage about the boyfriend both moving in AND giving up his own current home- you want to feel like if it goes wrong you can just tell him to go back to his place. What's his current situation? However you do need round the clock support with a new baby so I would expect at least for first month he is there all the time!

WilkinsonM · 11/08/2023 07:51

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/08/2023 07:50

All these pp saying no way- she's going to need a lot of help around very soon with her new baby!

How has he got on with your son? Has he stayed over and been in the home with him? Does your som feel ok? How does your son feel about baby coming?

I would feel nervous at this stage about the boyfriend both moving in AND giving up his own current home- you want to feel like if it goes wrong you can just tell him to go back to his place. What's his current situation? However you do need round the clock support with a new baby so I would expect at least for first month he is there all the time!

She can have support without taking the step of having him move in.

OP you're mad to consider it 7 months in.

GoodChat · 11/08/2023 07:58

All these pp saying no way- she's going to need a lot of help around very soon with her new baby!

That doesn't override her existing child's need for safety and security.

billy1966 · 11/08/2023 08:01

Yahyahs22 · 11/08/2023 07:24

Agreed

Show quote history

So agree.

I feel so sorry for your son, so much confusion coming his way.

Noicant · 11/08/2023 08:02

This can’t be real, it’s ridiculous. Of course you don’t move some bloke you have known for only 7 months in. Think about your 5yr old.