To be thinking about moving boyfriend in?

[pankasyno23]

I know I'll more than likely be judged so I have NC.

I've got a just turned 5 year old DS from a previous relationship. I'm 6 months pregnant but I only found out 2 months ago. I've only been with my boyfriend for 7 months, I know please don't judge! When I found out I was pregnant it was too late to abort but I don't think I would've anyway. My boyfriend is supportive and we're both happy. DS has met my boyfriend as just a friend as he knew him before we got into a relationship.

I'm thinking of asking him to move in but my friends have said it's too soon. AIBU?

@Honeychickpea don't just throw comments like that. Statistics from the ONS show that 98% of sexual assaults are committed by men.

OP no, it's too early, put your child first.

I'm a lone parent, had a partner for several years and only just considered moving in together as the timing is now ok for both our kids.

It very clearly is too soon for a baby but that's done and if the OP isn't having a termination or putting the child up for adoption, the baby is likely coming.

That doesn't mean more and more shit decisions have to follow. The OP can still prioritize the child she has as well as the one she's having.

It IS too soon for a baby.

Of course it’s too soon. Come on. Your friends know you and the situation better than anyone on here can and that’s what they’re saying. Listen to them.

There have been a few @Honeychickpea, most of which make the news because they're so unusual.

That said, i don't think anyone should move an unrelated adult - whatever their sex - into their children's home unless they know them really well.

I know it is. I meant from her perspective, she clearly doesn't think it's too soon, else she'd have terminated I am guessing

So place two children at risk so mum can try out living with him? Wow, shit advice.

I understand the point about needing help with a newborn. But what if he’s not actually helpful? That would make everything so much worse. And there’s no way to know in advance, and it would be very tricky to get him out again. I wouldn’t do it. He can come over regularly to help without actually living there.

This sounds like the most sensible option. You’re going to need help with the baby and if he’s about hopefully it will free up time so you can also balance new baby with your older child as this will be a big change! Then work towards moving in and settling your oldest with these changes maybe?

Way too soon, put your son first.

OP, I'm guessing you met him on an online dating website.

These sites are absolutely full of men looking for easy target single mothers to move in with. And I don't need to remind you either that the easiest way for an abuser to get close to a child is to befriend that childs parents. I notice he wasted no time in getting you pregnant either. Another way to tie you to him. How come he hasn't got his own property anyway?

Genuine question - what are your thoughts on marriage?

OP, I'm guessing you met him on an online dating website.

Why guessing that? She says they were friends before the relationship.

Excellent article. Basically said everything I wanted to say.

Never ever did understand the mumsnet obsession of moving random men into their homes.

I'm approaching 60 and I've only ever known of 3 women do this. Emma Tustin, Rose West and Jordon Hobson.

By contrast, almost every week and certainly every month it's reported that children have been the victims of non blood related men.

Now I wish I hadn't mentioned the point about only criticizing mothers in that article. It was a minor point which is now distracting from the actual issue here, apologies!

OP, I'm afraid I agree with the others, saying this is a very bad idea.

You and your son are going to be very vulnerable. Moving someone in, even if you knew him prior, as a friend, is on the balance of probabilities, likely to make a bad situation worse - certainly for your son who would then have to adjust to a new sibling, his Mum no longer solely his, and a dude he barely knows coming into his safe space to play the man of the house.

Yes, it's going to be hard going being a single Mum with a five year old and a newborn. However, this is the choice you are making, for yourself and your children.

Have you got alternative sources of support and help - family, your friends who are obviously good friends, because they are showing very reasonable and real concern about the highly possible negative consequences of moving in this bloke at this time?

He can also be a support without moving in, which would be far more beneficial to your son, than creating even more upheaval and change that he has no say in, and is extremely vulnerable to any negative consequences of that action.

Everyone's situation is unique. Your situation isn't ideal but it is what it is now. I know a girl who like yourself had a child from a previous relationship, his dad never acknowledged him so it was always just him and his mom for about 9 or 10 years. Although she had one night stands and stuff but nothing serious. She then started seeing someone on and off for a few months, never told her son about him, although he did know of him as they lived in the same town. She fell pregnant while seeing this "on off" guy so she had no choice but to introduce him to her son then. They all moved in together, had their baby and are married now in their own home. Like I say every situation is unique. Just do what's best for you and your children. Nobody is perfect and nobody should judge you either. Best of luck with whatever you do

You've already made a stupid mistake getting pregnant so soon you don't have to compound this foolishness by moving the impregnator into your 5yr olds only safe space.
Tough shit if you need help with a newborn, he can help in the daytime supervised, you will just have to cope alone at night, why should your child be put at risk because you couldn't take responsibility for your reproductive health.

'Tough shit You will just have to cope alone at night' what if she's had a c section and can't even pick the baby up? Or the baby needs to go back to a and e? That's ridiculous advice.
Of course she needs help around her day and night.

What she shouldn't do is officially make this man's home her home so she's unable to kick him out if she needs to

She won't 'need a lot of help.' Women are perfectly capable of raising babies without men around.

Agreed. Male primates are largely irrelevant.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I've had 3 sections, never needed help picking my babies up, they show you how to get onto your side and sit up properly before you leave hospital.
You make sure you have nappies, wipes, Muslins, change of vest and baby grows and a night light with you upstairs and get on with it.

Ok, not every woman’s experience of birth and recovery is the same. There is absolutely no shame in needing help day and night during the newborn phase. There is no shame in needing recovery.

I had a friend who almost died during childbirth and was in ICU. In fact, there are still risks associated with pregnancy and birth. Even in these modern times there are women who die during childbirth.

So, can we just stop trivialising pregnancy and birth. Lucky for you if pregnancy and birth went well for you and you had a quick recovery. It is not the same experience for all women.

Can we stop trivialising moving grown men into the homes of young children who hardly know them?