To be thinking about moving boyfriend in?

[pankasyno23]

I know I'll more than likely be judged so I have NC.

I've got a just turned 5 year old DS from a previous relationship. I'm 6 months pregnant but I only found out 2 months ago. I've only been with my boyfriend for 7 months, I know please don't judge! When I found out I was pregnant it was too late to abort but I don't think I would've anyway. My boyfriend is supportive and we're both happy. DS has met my boyfriend as just a friend as he knew him before we got into a relationship.

I'm thinking of asking him to move in but my friends have said it's too soon. AIBU?

My tone is callous, yes and perhaps unshockingly to say it was also reserved.

You have assumed ( and you know what that means ) incorrectly that I judge op for having to children by two fathers, I do not care one iota, which if you were so inclined to search my previous comments of similarly themed posts, would be verified.

No, the point of that comment was to demonstrate how I chose to minimise the risk of exposing my children to non blood related males in their safe space, home.
I achieved this by only having one father for them all.
You could achieve this by having multiple fathers to multiple children but living independently from them, which is what I advised op to do.

My experience is in relation to having a step parent moving so very suddenly into the house, it's very relevant. I made my former choice precisely because I was once ops 5yr old with a mother like op who just made poor choices that unfortunately had a negative impact on a 5yr old that had no say.

She deserves no niceties, no soft words, she is an adult and she is inflicting her poor choices on a really vulnerable 5yr old boy, she needs to wake up and get her priorities straight, I only care about the boy.

Absolutely not. Your son is incredibly vulnerable and this whole situation is an abuser's dream scenario.

@ItsNotRocketSalad I came here to say exactly this.

Your child has a speech delay. He's 5.

You don't know this man.

I'm just stunned by your stupidity, in truth.

Your poor son. Please do not move this man into your son's home.

OP, if your son has speech delay it makes this idea worse. He can't communicate to you how he feels, if he's uncomfortable with the situation etc.

Does he see his dad?

Why are you thinking this?
Is he just some passive instrument to be moved about?
Where does he live now?
Dos he want to move, or will just say yes to get out of this present place?
You don't know him at all. Does he take drugs or drink?
What is his financial situation? And yours for that matter?

There is also contraception, by the way for the future.

That’s handy , you being there to help with raising his child so he doesn’t have be a parent all on his own, otherwise he would have had to ask his mum and she might not have been so keen since her child rearing days are long gone.

I do know him, as I said I've known him for many years. He lives with his mum but he hasn't mentioned anything about moving in. He does drink but doesn't do drugs.

I wouldn't suggest moving in, it would be a lot for a little one to deal with - a baby and a new partner. I would suggest that he stays perhaps a few nights a week, presuming he works and won't be avaliable during the day. I would also discuss maintenance payments/finances.

I'd see how it goes after the baby is born if you want him to move in officially.

How old is he?

Im not accusing you of lying but it sounds like you are exaggerating how well you know this man , because you are trying to justify moving so fast, with him
you said that you were close friends with his brother in school, not actually close with him ..
how long ago was school?

were you in constant contact with him since school, or did you reconnect recently , meaning there was a large gap between school and now, that you did not know this man?
I went to school 15 years ago , and if I reconnected with someone that I briefly knew in school , I wouldnt say that Ive known them for 15 years , when I havent spoken to them that whole 15 year gap,
most people are not the same people they were in school

Youve only been dating for 7 months and thats not enough time to learn about who someone really is
If he moves in , you might discover that the both of you are not compatible living together
Alot of people are happy together dating, but every thing goes to shit when you move in together

I would say that your situation is high risk, and it makes your son potentially vulnerable,
when the baby comes, you might find that your boyfriend prioritises his own biological child over your son
he will see your son as, someone who is taking away resources from him and his child
Ive seen this situation play out many times in blended families,
your boyfriend has not bonded with your son,
and to your son, your boyfriend is basically a stranger

you also mention drinking, hopefully he is not an alcoholic,
but some men do target single mothers in order to use them in some way
sometimes it can be to harm the kids, which is the extreme
but other times it is because they want a meal ticket, a roof over their heads

Single mothers usually have secure housing, steady income whether its a job or benefits, and these men will move in and get you pregnant
now they have a home, a woman who will cook and clean for them
they trap these women, and its usually followed by abuse

Ok that's perfect. Have him there a lot to help you, but keep his official address at his mums. And can he also keep all his stuff at his mums- you don't want golf clubs and PlayStations and all that man stuff taking up space in your home when you have to fit in buggies etc.

I think

• have a chat about how much you expect him to be there to help
• make a plan about explaining him being your boyfriend and the baby to your son
• making sure you continue to safeguard your son (it's not likely he's an abusive paedo as everyone seems to think but you can have rules in place like you do the bathtime and bedtime for your older son always while boyfriend holds the baby etc etc to safeguard this)
• only move him in officially later on when it suits you/ if you need him to
• discusss how finances will work with you being on mat leave what will he contribute etc

you also mention that he lives with his mother? Is he employed ?
its starting to look likered flags, i think you should really look at his situation and figure out how he is benefitting from living with you
is he desperate to get out of his mothers house? does he have a good relationship with his mother?
are you still friends with his brother , what is his opinion of your relationship?
these are all the things you should be wanting to know before you move this man into your house

@truthhurts23 all of that is possible. I don't see how waiting another few months or a year will avoid it if that's the case. But I think if she follows my advice that risk is mitigated a lot

Your boyfriend is a hobosexual that probably seeks out women in desperate or vunerable situations so he has somewhere to live
Do not do this and cut him off he will only bring you down.

Hard

This could be true. I guess I'm also thinning of what it might be like for op if he's not. Expected to be with her 24/7. Will he be there sometimes to 'help' and then leave to go back to mums for a good night sleep and to play video games while op is up all night breatfeeding and then having to do the school run and doenst have time to shower or even use the loo and this guy just pops in and out for visits. (Like my ex and baby's father does!) this would be infuriating for her!

Hobosexual 😂😂😂😂😂

This is funny but I don't think he is as he hasn't asked to move in!

This happened to me when I was 11, I've not forgiven my mother for it yet. Please do not move him in yet

@pankasyno23

If you weren't pregnant would you be moving a man in with you and your son after only 7 months? I certainly hope not, no matter whose brother he is or how well you think you know him.

Please don't move him in now. He can be involved and he can help when the baby comes without putting his boots under your bed on a 'permanent' basis. Let him stay 'your special friend' for your DS for a while longer Let the relationship evolve as relationships do. It may be that he eventually moves in or it may be that the relationship doesn't last. It's just too soon to tell.

He’s the younger brother of one of your close friends through school. So, he’s a bit younger than you. Are you still friends with his sister/brother (your close friend from school)? Does his mum and family know about your pregnancy? Is his age the reason why your friends aren’t very supportive?

Don’t rush into living together. He can remain living with his mum while staying with you to bond with the baby and with you and your son. He can be a support to you, but he will also need support. He’ll need the support of his family (I am presuming he is becoming a parent for the first time and is still young enough to be living at home).

He’ll need time to adjust to becoming a dad and a step dad. He’ll need time to establish himself and if he isn’t employed, to get a job and financially set himself up.

Moving in together too early would be too soon not only for your son but perhaps for your boyfriend too.