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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH letting son surf alone on holiday

172 replies

MrsPPP · 10/08/2023 21:56

My family and I are currently on holiday and we went to the beach to go souvenir shopping. My youngest son (13 years old with ADHD) was bored so DH took him to the beach to dip his toes in the sea while myself and my older son continued shopping.

I come back to the beach to find DH has bought DS a small surf board and is letting him swim in the sea with moderate waves whilst he is watching from the shore.

I am not against him learning to surf and if DH was in the water with him and a life guard was on the beach, it would be different. Anyway, I went mental! I panicked and after a nice man in the sea flagged my son down and brought him to shore, I had a massive go at DH. I am livid but I’m not sure if I’m overprotective or if others would also be fuming.
If anything would have happened, I never would have forgiven DH.
AIBU?

DS can swim fairly well but has only swam in a pool.

OP posts:
blobby10 · 11/08/2023 12:36

My rule for our kids was always 'no deeper than waist height' for waves and 'no deeper than boob height' if calm sea and just swimming. Regular checks to ensure you can still touch the floor. I would often just supervise from the shore once they got past the age of 10 and had reached the top stage of swimming badges before joining a swimming club.

The biggest problem any of us ever had was getting swamped by a wave and turned upside down so you feel like you are held underwater for ages, then you surface only to be swamped again! Its very easy to panic in this situation and its panic that often makes things much worse.

Turfwars · 11/08/2023 12:51

I learned to swim in the sea, a whole side of my family were fishermen so I am fairly clued in as to what can go wrong very quickly in the sea. Experienced swimmers, scuba divers and surfers use a buddy system for a very good reason.

If he did two years of lessons in a pool he's not at the level where he is safe to go in alone. DS is 11, has completed the entire swim programme for kids and is a little fish in the water, and better than me at swimming but in the sea or in a pool we always buddy up and swim within grabbing distance of each other.

He wants to complete some club swimming where he can build up stamina, something I feel is necessary for a sea swimmer, and also junior lifeguard. I'd also like him to get some boat experience from his cousins so that he can learn more about tides, swells and so on.

Turfwars · 11/08/2023 13:15

Your DH didn't know what capability level your DS is at on the swimming framework, there has been no previous experience of sea swimming, no in depth knowledge of that shoreline, waves, dips, under water seaweed, jellyfish, rocks tide patterns and no lifeguard on duty...

That's pretty bloody irresponsible. Yeah I'd have gone a bit mad as well.

Original poster
MrsPPP · 11/08/2023 16:07

Update…

We went back today as a family prepared to go in the sea. We went waist deep near the lifeguard tower and DS had a blast.
The problem yesterday was that we went in the evening (still light out) but the plan was souvenir shopping and a meal out, so had no swimming trunks and no pre swim prep talk.

We live in the city and haven’t been on holiday in years due to money and covid etc… so the only swimming he has done apart from school is at our local pool with his friends.
I just felt that to buy a body board and let him have a go alone was irresponsible.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsPPP · 11/08/2023 16:13

Turfwars · 11/08/2023 13:15

Your DH didn't know what capability level your DS is at on the swimming framework, there has been no previous experience of sea swimming, no in depth knowledge of that shoreline, waves, dips, under water seaweed, jellyfish, rocks tide patterns and no lifeguard on duty...

That's pretty bloody irresponsible. Yeah I'd have gone a bit mad as well.

This is exactly what I was trying to explain

OP posts:
missadvertised · 11/08/2023 16:16

My husband would have to be watching closely.

My teenage nephew has ADHD and makes very impulsive decisions and gets himself into unsafe situations.

The sea is NOT the same as a pool and it's irresponsible to say it is. I know this is a bit over dramatic, but there have been a number of deaths over recent years where people have got caught up in riptides!

missadvertised · 11/08/2023 16:18

You should wear a life jacket for most water sports out at sea!

justasking111 · 11/08/2023 16:36

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2023 22:16

Equating swimming in a pool to swimming in the ocean is absolutely fucking bonkers.

I couldn't get past this.

Son experienced surfer and kite boarder because he lived abroad for six years. Takes his kids out in wet suits, they can surf in on the waves now now but when they started he put them in life jackets . He always goes in with them.

He also checks the data on the beaches beforehand.

Sorry @MrsPPP your husband is an idiot

EmmaPaella · 11/08/2023 16:51

I think the OP probably gets the message now?

Glad you have sorted it OP. I agree it was irresponsible of your husband but glad you are now having a nice holiday.

Delatron · 11/08/2023 17:13

I think the OP knew it was irresponsible. We just all validated her thoughts. Hopefully her DH has learnt from this.

Think this thread has been useful as it seems the more experienced swimmers/surfers are the most careful and that can teach us all something:

Far too many unnecessary drownings in this country.

coxesorangepippin · 11/08/2023 17:15

Yeah, from how you've said his swimming is, your DH is unreasonable

HauntedPencil · 11/08/2023 17:28

I think it's the type of thing you'd plan abs discuss first particularly as he has ADHD which my son has and he needs a little extra eye on. And discuss with him what he must musnt do and have an adult nearby (in the sea) so I would be cross too/

IWantOutDoI · 11/08/2023 18:25

Swanswimming · 10/08/2023 23:11

The fact that someone brought him in is a clue.
Those saying it’s fine if watching from the shore just have no idea how quickly things can go wrong. Also how difficult it can be to actually swim out and rescue someone who is in trouble, possibly being taken out by a current. Your husband was irresponsible, and it seems there are plenty here who would also underestimate the risk.

If we consider all that, we may as well suggest never to put a foot in sea water…

Hankunamatata · 11/08/2023 18:35

I'm nervous about the ocean and kids. Grew up on sea, have healthy respect and have seen rip tides. I'm not comfortable with mine body boarding unless I'm in the water or very near. Mine are all excellent, strong swimmers but things can go wrong quickly at the beach

eeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk · 11/08/2023 19:11

My husband is a fantastic swimmer. He also sails and windsurfs regularly.

He has often told me that you need to respect the sea.

Your husband sounds naive.

Delatron · 11/08/2023 19:11

IWantOutDoI · 11/08/2023 18:25

If we consider all that, we may as well suggest never to put a foot in sea water…

Show quote history

Well no. Just make sure your kids are strong swimmers, check the tides/currents before swimming- chat to the lifeguards/locals/surfers. Educate your children about rip tides, cold water shock, what to do if they get in to trouble. And swim/surf near them. Don’t just watch from the shore.

Going on beaches with lifeguards is a good idea.

Just have some serious respect for the sea.

BlossomCloud · 11/08/2023 19:30

IWantOutDoI · 11/08/2023 18:25

If we consider all that, we may as well suggest never to put a foot in sea water…

Show quote history

Nonsense. It's about following basic safety rules and getting proper training as appropriate.

I grew up doing watersports and swimming (up to lifeguard standard) and if you do proper lessons they teach you how to enjoy the water safely.

Going out with a "buddy" is one of the key safety rules.

Even in my wildest watersports days, when I loved sailing and windsurfing in high winds, we always made sure we stayed within our capability levels, went out with buddies, had shore support, had the right kit .

BlossomCloud · 11/08/2023 19:32

Agree as well that keeping children in swimming lessons until they are really strong swimmers is so important. We live near the coast and I made mine do all the swimming levels. Too many people stop lessons as soon as their children can vaguely swim.

HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 11/08/2023 22:06

Totally understand your fears op.
Always better to be with kids in choppy water.

ActDottie · 12/08/2023 20:33

At 13 and with your husband watching I think you’re being a bit OTT

Craycraycatbaby · 12/08/2023 21:01

Ohh god no this is not ok. This is why so many people die in the sea every year. I live in Cornwall and I wouldn't take my eyes off my kids in the sea even though they can swim and do surf life saving. YANBU at all

Sugargliderwombat · 12/08/2023 21:15

I'm assuming you meant body-board, a 13 year old out surfing would be insane.

I do think you're a bit OTT for only going waist deep near a lifeguard tower.

NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic · 12/08/2023 21:16

I first read this and thought DS was 3 and thought ynbu but 13?! Get a grip before you damage the poor kid even more

6WeekCountdown · 12/08/2023 21:32

Totally ott, I'm away on a beach holiday abroad at the moment, the waves have been up some days and really good for surfing, we go to a mixture of lifeguard and non lifeguard beaches, most kids 9/10 (younger even) are in there surfing on their own, my husband seems to be the only dad in there helping to be honest, our kids are 7 and 5 though. I was stood chatting to and English woman today actually on the edge of the sea who was watching her 9 and 11 year old bodyboard.

Unless your child can't swim (he wouldn't be in there if that was the case though!!) I'd find it odd having someone stood there assisting a teen. Your husband was on the beach watching which incidentally is where the lifeguard stands anyway. Do you have form for being over the top?

Libra24 · 12/08/2023 21:38

The situation is really subjective and only you know what is reasonable. Men and women assess risk very differently so it doesn't mean your dh was being neglectful, he just thought it was OK.
I think being shocked by it means that maybe the situation was something where you could see danger that your dh didn't seem as serious as you did.
You probably were angry as a fight or flight response because your son was objectively fine in this circumstance. It ended fine but you did intercede (which I'm not criticising, it may have gone wrong if you hadn't) but your fear needed somewhere to go.

This is one of those times where I would say I'm not happy and you need to explain why and agree what is acceptable moving forward.

You are never unreasonable to be worried for your son in this situation and the sea is dangerous. It's just about communication going forward now. Glad he was OK.