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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH letting son surf alone on holiday

172 replies

MrsPPP · 10/08/2023 21:56

My family and I are currently on holiday and we went to the beach to go souvenir shopping. My youngest son (13 years old with ADHD) was bored so DH took him to the beach to dip his toes in the sea while myself and my older son continued shopping.

I come back to the beach to find DH has bought DS a small surf board and is letting him swim in the sea with moderate waves whilst he is watching from the shore.

I am not against him learning to surf and if DH was in the water with him and a life guard was on the beach, it would be different. Anyway, I went mental! I panicked and after a nice man in the sea flagged my son down and brought him to shore, I had a massive go at DH. I am livid but I’m not sure if I’m overprotective or if others would also be fuming.
If anything would have happened, I never would have forgiven DH.
AIBU?

DS can swim fairly well but has only swam in a pool.

OP posts:
Delatron · 10/08/2023 22:23

I’m sure all the teenagers/children that got caught up in the rip tide in Bournemouth thought it was safe since so many people were in the sea….

BrawnWild · 10/08/2023 22:26

I think the key point is what needs to happen next? When will you feel it is ok to go in without dad? When hes 18? When he has had more lessons? To what standard?

To my mind, DS isnt going to become a better swimmer the day he turns 18 and he wasnt messing around dangerously. Being 18 won't make him a better swimmer. So what needs to happen?

Glitterandmud · 10/08/2023 22:26

If he wants to go in the sea does he (and anyone going with him) understand the sea, rip tides, tides, currents, float to live etc?

I'd go look at the rnli website with him tonight, it's got an excellent safety section. As you're on holiday I would get on Facebook and ask on any local chat groups about the specific beaches you are going to.

Yanbu, it doesn't sound like they thought it through.

Delatron · 10/08/2023 22:30

I get that they need to go in the sea alone at some point. So have you done everything you can to ensure that’s safe? Swimming a few lengths doesn’t cut it. Whatever the age.

Make sure they know what to do in a rip ride, make sure they can swim far. Do they know what to do if they get cold water shock?

We’re nearly there but I’m happy to supervise in the sea until they stop going on holiday with us! I know come 17/18 that’s it but I can reduce chances of anything happening before then..

hettie · 10/08/2023 22:30

Body boarding on a lifeguarded beach between the flags? If so, total non issue.. I've let my two do that circa 10 years old (with me watching). On an unknown beach with no lifeguard and someone unaware of rips and tides...hmmme well less ok. Context is everything.... Body boards float, even if you get pulled out of my you've drilled your kids not to fight the rip/tide they'll be fine.

StSwithinsDay · 10/08/2023 22:31

We bodyboarded a lot when our children were young. We taught them the risks; we taught them to check the beach, the tides, the sand, the rocks.. all of it. Drilled into the them the risks of being in the sea on their own. Every time they were in the water one of us was with them - right up until mid-teens. Now as young adults they are highly competent sea swimmers. They surf and body board but they respect the water. You have to invest the time.

toomuchlaundry · 10/08/2023 22:33

People have short memories and forgotten the tragedy in Bournemouth. If he has only swam in a pool how much does he know about rip tides?

IWantOutDoI · 10/08/2023 22:35

I never imagined that would be a problem really. My son has ADHD, had only the random swimming classes they normally have in state schools (pretty much like me, we have no fancy crawl style or anything of the sort. I started swimming in deep sea waters with someone watching from the shore or a boat when I was 12, my son 3 years earlier than that.

What you describe, playing at the beach while someone was watching from nearby, we start doing around 8, as long as you know how to avoid rip currents, how to swim out of one and not to disturb poisonous fish, you are fine. Obviously, freak accidents can happen but those can happen on dry land too.

EmmaPaella · 10/08/2023 22:36

It really depends what beach, what the sea was like etc.

IWantOutDoI · 10/08/2023 22:38

You don’t need to take a long training to learn to avoid rip tides, any 5 minutes video in YouTube in the subject tell you everything you need.

Now, changing tides, those are the ones you should really worry about and interesting the ones that more parents are likely to ignore.

IWantOutDoI · 10/08/2023 22:39

EmmaPaella · 10/08/2023 22:36

It really depends what beach, what the sea was like etc.

That’s very true. Watch the flags too.

CattyCattle · 10/08/2023 22:41

IWantOutDoI · 10/08/2023 22:35

I never imagined that would be a problem really. My son has ADHD, had only the random swimming classes they normally have in state schools (pretty much like me, we have no fancy crawl style or anything of the sort. I started swimming in deep sea waters with someone watching from the shore or a boat when I was 12, my son 3 years earlier than that.

What you describe, playing at the beach while someone was watching from nearby, we start doing around 8, as long as you know how to avoid rip currents, how to swim out of one and not to disturb poisonous fish, you are fine. Obviously, freak accidents can happen but those can happen on dry land too.

Agreed. The reasons we hear about the absolute tragedies like the older teens in Bournemouth is because they are thanfully rare so a shock.

Jamjarcandlestick · 10/08/2023 22:41

Why hasn’t your son swam in the sea before?

pikkumyy77 · 10/08/2023 22:46

These responses are just so besides the point. OP’s DH didn’t do any of the prep necessary for the DS to be safe. Thats the issue.

Titerama · 10/08/2023 22:46

Our mid teens don’t go in without an adult for bodyboarding on a surf beach - and then only ever in the lifeguarded zone. And they’ve grown up with the surf, and these are local beaches we know well.

But it depends where you are.

For bodyboarding, no more than waist deep so you can always wade. Keep feet on the floor unless riding a wave in, and watch your position relative to the flags. There’s usually a lot of sideways drag and it’s easy to get pulled into a rip.

If you enter the water on a surf beach, at a minimum you need to know how to float to live, how to swim parallel to the shore if caught in a rip, and how to raise the alarm if you’re in difficulty by raising your arm.

Having another person in the water who also doesn’t know how to be safe isn’t going to help - that just means two people getting dragged out in a rip instead of one.

Musicalmistress · 10/08/2023 22:47

I'd query whether all the posters who are suggesting that swimming in a pool is the same as swimming in the sea have ever lived near a body of open water as it's completely different! And those suggesting if there are plenty of other in the sea then it's safe are also bonkers!
Several of my DF are volunteers on the local lifeboats and you've no idea the number of tourists who've got into bother they're called out to help every summer.

Augend23 · 10/08/2023 22:49

I have mixed feelings honestly.

I am a very strong swimmer. I can swim really significant distances and swam in the sea regularly as a child. I still try and avoid swimming in the sea alone as an adult because I don't like the risk, even with friends on shore.

I've had one near drowning experience and one very scary but not as bad as the first. I'm the case of the latter I had friends watching from on the shore and they didn't even notice anything was wrong.

It's good to let children become more independent b, but I don't think their first real sea experience is the time I would choose!

Forgetaboutme · 10/08/2023 22:50

My ten year old son was in the sea a lot by himself this year and I wasnt worried at all. Thats including wavy water. I was watching from the shore. I think at 13 and able to swim you should relax a bit....

Delatron · 10/08/2023 22:53

This thread is quite worrying!

I’m quite a lax parent in many ways but no way would I let a 10 year old swim in the sea by himself ( a sea with waves and currents). And why do you need to? No harm in having an adult by them in the sea.

Drownings are one of the leading causes of death in children. It’s not the area to encourage independence. Even adults can get in to trouble in the sea…

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/08/2023 22:54

YABMU

Open water can be extremely dangerous. But…

He is 13. He has had swimming lessons. He had an adult supervising from shore.

At what age do you think he should be allowed in the water alone?

You teach children by building up their independence and confidence incrementally. If you went ballistic, you are undermining your DH’s parenting and your DS’s confidence in himself.

MuckyPlucky · 10/08/2023 22:55

I let my DS’s (9 & 12) swim / bodyboard in the sea this summer (moderate waves) with their friends (same ages) without even thinking about whether this would be ‘ok’ to be honest 😬. So this their friends’ parent. We were keeping an eye on them from the beach, and knew they’re all good swimmers & v sensible / cautious.

But now I’m realising this was probably a bit stupid. Argh parenting fail & now I feel even more dreadful about how shit my parenting is 😞

Delatron · 10/08/2023 22:56

Sadly it’s not the area to build up confidence. It’s often the most confident (usually teenage) boys that drown. I live by the Thames. A bit different but every year teenage boys drown here.

PippaAB · 10/08/2023 22:58

Really depends on the beach and the sea/tide/currents

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/08/2023 22:59

If you enter the water on a surf beach, at a minimum you need to know how to float to live, how to swim parallel to the shore if caught in a rip, and how to raise the alarm if you’re in difficulty by raising your arm.

Just wanted to say that the current advice is that you should not try to swim out of the rip, even parallel. You should go with the current. The rip stops just after where the waves break, maybe a little further. And then you can swim back safely.

Swimming parallel can tire out even the best swimmers. A tired swimmer is a drowning swimmer.

Codlingmoths · 10/08/2023 22:59

Swimming in a pool is not at all like swimming in the sea, and from the sounds of ‘2 years of swimming at school’ id call him a weak swimmer, average at best. My children have small group swim lessons weekly, will be doing surf lifesaving for a week in summer, and I won’t be allowing them in the beach on their own until I’m confident they are strong swimmers who are very familiar with beach safety. We are in Australia and I’d say that’s standard.