Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH letting son surf alone on holiday

172 replies

MrsPPP · 10/08/2023 21:56

My family and I are currently on holiday and we went to the beach to go souvenir shopping. My youngest son (13 years old with ADHD) was bored so DH took him to the beach to dip his toes in the sea while myself and my older son continued shopping.

I come back to the beach to find DH has bought DS a small surf board and is letting him swim in the sea with moderate waves whilst he is watching from the shore.

I am not against him learning to surf and if DH was in the water with him and a life guard was on the beach, it would be different. Anyway, I went mental! I panicked and after a nice man in the sea flagged my son down and brought him to shore, I had a massive go at DH. I am livid but I’m not sure if I’m overprotective or if others would also be fuming.
If anything would have happened, I never would have forgiven DH.
AIBU?

DS can swim fairly well but has only swam in a pool.

OP posts:
Titerama · 10/08/2023 23:38

Don’t know why that post has massive spacing! Sorry.

Anyway, my point was, swim parallel if you can is still the current advice.

Rips can move extremely fast, but are often very narrow.

Just a few feet to the side can get you safely out or the rip, so an attempt to swim parallel to shore is advised, rather than right away allowing the rip to carry you out.

NotAMug · 10/08/2023 23:38

I live near the sea and am really shocked about some of the attitudes on this thread about swimming in the sea. It is nothing like swimming in a pool and 13 yos shouldn't be swimming out of depth on their own unless they are really experienced sea swimmers and understand the currents/what to do if they got into trouble.

My DCs go to the beach with friends, generally from about 13 yo. They are only allowed to go in between the life guard flags and no going out of their depth if not with an adult.

If your DH was watching properly and could have helped if he was in trouble then I wouldn't have been too cross at DH but even if I was there watching I wouldn't be letting DCs go too far in.

I was on the beach when a 17 yo took their 3 yo sibling out on an inflatable, they got in trouble and a man in his 30s, strong swimmer rescued them but drowned himself, absolutely devastating.

WhichEllie · 10/08/2023 23:41

Monster80 · 10/08/2023 23:34

So your 13 year old was body boarding in the mediterranean sea? I honestly think you need to remove the word ‘surf’ from your OP, it’s totally misleading. Most 80s kids probably bodyboarded in cornwall (unsupervised) from the age of seven.

Yep! I thought it odd that when someone mentioned falling off a surfboard it was immediately “Yes, I think he was falling off!” But turns out it wasn’t a surfboard that he could fall off of, it was a body board that he was lying on. And Playa del Ingles is considered a great beach for children because it’s so safe.

10HailMarys · 10/08/2023 23:50

Most of Playa Del Ingles beach is very child friendly without much in the way of waves, and if he was playing on a body board he was probably mostly just splashing around close to the shore. If he’d been on an Atlantic beach in Cornwall with crashing waves and rip tides then yes, that would be cause for concern. But a 13 year old playing with a body board on a flat, calm sandy beach, warm water and gentle waves probably doesn’t need an adult in the water with him.

Monster80 · 10/08/2023 23:52

WhichEllie · 10/08/2023 23:41

Yep! I thought it odd that when someone mentioned falling off a surfboard it was immediately “Yes, I think he was falling off!” But turns out it wasn’t a surfboard that he could fall off of, it was a body board that he was lying on. And Playa del Ingles is considered a great beach for children because it’s so safe.

Show quote history

Let’s not even mention that the TEENAGER wasn’t alone either 🙄. Also can you fall off a body board, last time I used one your body was parallel to it? Worst case scenario you slipped off it into the… sea. Actually dying with laughter this end. Whatever next.

MottledPie · 10/08/2023 23:55

Neither of my parents could really swim but loved beach holidays. I remember my sister and me swimming fairly far out and just doing our own thing. It was lovely.

Having said that there is no way I'd let my own child swim in the sea unsupervised especially with no life guard around. Based on everything I have read in recent years I have developed a healthy respect for the sea. I just wouldn't take that risk.

Redhairblackheart · 10/08/2023 23:57

No id be very angry. Ds has adhd too although a little younger. He has also done a touch of swimming with the school and has convinced himself hes michael phelps and argued me blind he could swim after i had to pull him above water TWICE in a pool. I had to explain theres a difference between being able to swim and a strong swimmer, of which he is not.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 11/08/2023 00:01

Titerama · 10/08/2023 23:33

Latest advice from the RNLI who lifeguard UK beaches:

If you do find yourself caught in a rip:-

Don’t try to swim against it or you’ll get exhausted.

  • If you can stand, wade don’t swim
  • If you can, swim parallel to the shore until free of the rip and then head for shore
  • Always raise your hand and shout for help

https://rnli.org/safety/know-the-risks/rip-currents

Also has the float to live video, which is relevant for all bodies of water.

Please, make your youngsters learn this stuff - and your adult family and friends who are responsible for watching the hunger ones.

Locals and RNLI rescue so many each year, but not everyone is saved once they get into trouble, and it happens way faster than you’d imagine.

Show quote history

I expect the RNLI will update its advice in the next year or so. Australia has, the US has (parts of it, at least).

Swimming parallel can work - if you are a confident swimmer, if you are not tired, if the rip runs in a straight path, if there are no eddys (eddies), if the rip isn’t 50m wide.

Recent research on rips suggests that floating out with the rip is a better option. Weaker swimmers are likely to be spotted and rescued in that time whilst having safely kept themselves afloat. Confident swimmers can manage their own return on the shoreline (although hopefully not getting caught in the same or another rip). There are, of course, exceptions to this.

If you are interested, most of the research has come from ‘Dr Rip’, Rob Brander, an oceanography professor and keen surfer. His videos showing the movement of dye with water currents are fascinating.

FeigningConcern · 11/08/2023 00:07

Bodyboarding at 13 in the sea with dad watching from the shore is perfectly safe.

DiscoBeat · 11/08/2023 00:10

My youngest is 13 and can swim well but I wouldn't let him go in alone either. In fact we walk to a local river to swim but have a family rule that no one swims alone - adults included.

asecretslob · 11/08/2023 05:53

Some of this advice is terrifying

Swimming in the sea is nothing like swimming in a pool, especially if you have no experience
The currents on surf beaches are fierce sometimes
It only takes a second to get pulled under and there is nothing people could do from the beach

If it's anything like the beach I went to last week it was very crowded, I had a body board push me under the water , I wouldnt let the kids go in alone

Respect the sea. And learn how to swim in it

asecretslob · 11/08/2023 05:56

@Monster80
Actually what happened to me is someone from behind went over me and the body board hit me on the head and I went under and started getting pulled out to sea

It was bloody terrifying and I am pretty chaotic and risk taking at the best of times

MimiSunshine · 11/08/2023 06:03

MrsPPP · 10/08/2023 22:05

He had his 2 years of swimming with primary school. I really don’t know about how many meters but he gets tired treading water in the deep end of a pool but could probably swim several lengths of a standard pool.
I think adding waves and open water to the situation is what has frightened me.

That’s only about 12 weeks of lessons. Primary school lessons aren’t that great, it’s en masse learning for a few weeks at a time.

how can you not know how well he can actually swim? Why hasn’t he had proper regular lessons outside of the primary school ones?

Skye109 · 11/08/2023 06:54

Wow I can't believe all these posts saying it's OK for their DC to be in the sea alone whilst the adults sat on the shore.
Are any if you aware that when a person is tarting to drown they don't shout for help and scream and wave their arms around in the air? A drowning person goes silent and keeps their arms still, even whilst their head is still above water. They appear calm and therefore can be interpreted as being fine by onlookers. It's an automatic response that the brain goes in to when someone is beginning to drown.
Google drowning myths.

Paq · 11/08/2023 06:55

I can get my head around bringing a 14 year old to the beach and bring surprised that they wanted to go in the water.

Looking at the specific beach, it looks pretty safe. Yes the sea is not to be messed with but if you go on a beach holiday you need to be prepared to go in the sea.

Paq · 11/08/2023 06:55

*can't

Mumof2teens79 · 11/08/2023 07:18

MrsPPP · 10/08/2023 22:05

He had his 2 years of swimming with primary school. I really don’t know about how many meters but he gets tired treading water in the deep end of a pool but could probably swim several lengths of a standard pool.
I think adding waves and open water to the situation is what has frightened me.

In all honesty this is not swimming pretty well. He is not a strong swimmer.

However. If your DH can't swim either it was probably safer for him to be on beach supervising and able to raise the alarm.

Depends on the beach, but most beaches with decent waves for body boarding are pretty shallow for quite a long way and he could probably stand and unlikely to get out of his depth unless he was actually swimming. Most kids on body boards never get beyond waist depth.

I don't think your OH was wrong. Your son needs to experience things in semi-controlled, supervised from a distance so he can learn how to manage himself.

My DD is same age with ADHD too.

itsgettingweird · 11/08/2023 07:31

www.gran-canaria-beaches.com/playa-del-ingles.html

As beaches go it's not as risky as say leaving him in Cornwall body boarding alone!

Beaches are very much about knowing water, knowing what to do if you get caught in rip tides and being confident in helping yourself if something goes wrong.

If your ds was in the shallow waters with rolling waves and dh was near enough to wade out it wasn't the worst decision. But All beaches have risk.

Mumof2teens79 · 11/08/2023 07:33

People are reading "alone" and watching from the shore very differently.
He wasn't alone or unsupervised if he dad was watching.
Depending on the beach, weather, activity, how busy, whether alone or in a group, and whether life guards present, we might watch casually from further away, sat down, or we might be ankle deep no more than 10 m away. Both would be classed as watching from the shore.

LizzieSiddal · 11/08/2023 07:38

I’m not sure how you “swim in the sea” when you are holding a body board. You can’t swim and hold one at the same time. Was he using the body board as a floating devise to float out to sea?? I would be very angry with that. But if they were using it correctly I don’t see a problem.
To actually use a body board you need to have your feet on the ground so you can jump onto the board, so if a 13 year old is using a body board correctly, and an adult is watching from the shore, I wouldn’t see a problem this that.

Titerama · 11/08/2023 07:49

@DifficultBloodyWoman thanks - now off to explore Dr Rip’s YouTube channel and site. Understanding rips is a survival need here!

The dye experiments are very cool.

https://www.scienceofthesurf.com/

Science of the Surf

The Science of the Surf (SOS) is a community beach safety education program involving presentations given by Professor Rob Brander (aka 'Dr Rip') and other multimedia.

https://www.scienceofthesurf.com/

WonderingWanda · 11/08/2023 08:07

We live near the sea and my 13 year old does surf on his own in the sea but I agree with you in this instance. First time I the sea on a body board and no life guards then your dh should have been in there with him. My ds has been surfing for years, we used to go in with him to make sure he stayed between the right flags, new what rips looked like didn't go too far etc. He also swims with a local coaching team so is a very strong swimmer now. At this point I am confident he is safe to be in alone with me on the beach watching (on a lifeguarded beach).

Thoughtful2355 · 11/08/2023 08:08

Going mental is over reacting i would have simply said please dont leave him in the water alone ever again because drowning can take seconds in reality and because blahblahblah Reasons. i wouldnt have gone mental :S

Sheswearsby · 11/08/2023 08:09

I would have been unhappy. With no knowledge of tides and undercurrents it sounds pretty irresponsible of your DH.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 11/08/2023 11:59

I think you need to work on building up his swimming ability. 2 years of swimming with school isn’t much and if he isn’t practicing/having further lessons then how will he ever get better. If he can’t go in the sea on his own at 13 with his dad observing from the side then he won’t ever be able to go in the sea unless something happens in the meantime.
body boarding is a lot of fun, you need to work on enabling him to be able to do it.