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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH letting son surf alone on holiday

172 replies

MrsPPP · 10/08/2023 21:56

My family and I are currently on holiday and we went to the beach to go souvenir shopping. My youngest son (13 years old with ADHD) was bored so DH took him to the beach to dip his toes in the sea while myself and my older son continued shopping.

I come back to the beach to find DH has bought DS a small surf board and is letting him swim in the sea with moderate waves whilst he is watching from the shore.

I am not against him learning to surf and if DH was in the water with him and a life guard was on the beach, it would be different. Anyway, I went mental! I panicked and after a nice man in the sea flagged my son down and brought him to shore, I had a massive go at DH. I am livid but I’m not sure if I’m overprotective or if others would also be fuming.
If anything would have happened, I never would have forgiven DH.
AIBU?

DS can swim fairly well but has only swam in a pool.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsPPP · 10/08/2023 23:03

It was at Playa del Ingles beach with no life guards on duty

OP posts:
Amortentia · 10/08/2023 23:05

Jesus, this is insanely dangerous. I’m wondering how much experience of sea swimming some of the posters on this thread have, lots of people drown quite easily across the U.K. every summer. I am an experienced swimmer but got caught in a rip-tide down in Cornwall once in what I thought was shallow water close to the beach. It was bloody scary, an inexperienced teenager would have panicked and drowned quite easily. Also, It’s quite difficult to tell if someone is in difficulty in the water, so people drown before anyone realises they need help, you’d need to be watching like a hawk.

Cornishclio · 10/08/2023 23:07

I live in Cornwall and every summer you hear about people being pulled out to sea on those boards due to not being aware of riptides and undercurrents. YANBU. It only takes a few minutes for someone to drown if they are pulled under and are not strong enough to swim against the waves. If it is a safe body of water like a lake with no undercurrents then that is not so bad.

GorgeousGoldies · 10/08/2023 23:09

I’ve been a parent helper at school swimming lessons many times over the years. Those who start in the bottom group (ie have had no swimming lessons before) are unable to swim a width when they arrive, and most end up unable to swim a width when they leave.

No way would I risk a weak swimmer into the sea unsupervised.

Swanswimming · 10/08/2023 23:11

The fact that someone brought him in is a clue.
Those saying it’s fine if watching from the shore just have no idea how quickly things can go wrong. Also how difficult it can be to actually swim out and rescue someone who is in trouble, possibly being taken out by a current. Your husband was irresponsible, and it seems there are plenty here who would also underestimate the risk.

Escapetofrance · 10/08/2023 23:12

My dh isn’t a great swimmer so would also watch from the shore. In a way, keeping an eye on him from there was probably a good idea as he could have helped if needed rather than be distracted in the sea.

How did your ds feel about the experience? Ideally it would be great if he had some lessons on body boarding and swam were there are lifeguards.

You anxiety sounds completely normal to me! We live and learn & hopefully you dh won’t do it again.

Amortentia · 10/08/2023 23:12

Cornishclio · 10/08/2023 23:07

I live in Cornwall and every summer you hear about people being pulled out to sea on those boards due to not being aware of riptides and undercurrents. YANBU. It only takes a few minutes for someone to drown if they are pulled under and are not strong enough to swim against the waves. If it is a safe body of water like a lake with no undercurrents then that is not so bad.

It’s the same in Scottish Lochs, the number of drownings each year is shocking. They look calm but people don’t realises there are undercurrents and weeds and stuff that can trap you. Not to mention the cold and depths of the water.

Delatron · 10/08/2023 23:13

Amortentia · 10/08/2023 23:05

Jesus, this is insanely dangerous. I’m wondering how much experience of sea swimming some of the posters on this thread have, lots of people drown quite easily across the U.K. every summer. I am an experienced swimmer but got caught in a rip-tide down in Cornwall once in what I thought was shallow water close to the beach. It was bloody scary, an inexperienced teenager would have panicked and drowned quite easily. Also, It’s quite difficult to tell if someone is in difficulty in the water, so people drown before anyone realises they need help, you’d need to be watching like a hawk.

This exactly.

I don’t know what some posters are thinking of on this thread. The sea is dangerous. I don’t see it as any hardship to stay near my kids in the water whilst swimming or surfing, as does DH.

DH and DS got caught in a rip ride in Costa Rica. It was fine as they both remained calm but I was pleased DS was not alone in the sea at that point.

Delatron · 10/08/2023 23:14

Watching from the shore is too far away if someone gets in trouble.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/08/2023 23:15

I would go mad aswell. If he's anything like my ADHD child, he has no fear of danger, overestimates his abilities and is fast and loose with personal safety. I really do understand how you feel.

edwinbear · 10/08/2023 23:15

I’m a cross channel swimmer. I don’t get into sea I don’t know, alone, without a lifeguard. It goes without saying, I’m a strong and experienced open water swimmer. My 2 DC, (11 & 13), both competitive swimmers, most certainly don’t. You don’t know the tides, where the drop off is, potential sudden changes in water temperature, any rip currents. You also tire far more easily in open water than the pool. Body boarding can be loads of fun, but find a beach with a lifeguard on duty.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/08/2023 23:15

Amortentia · 10/08/2023 23:12

It’s the same in Scottish Lochs, the number of drownings each year is shocking. They look calm but people don’t realises there are undercurrents and weeds and stuff that can trap you. Not to mention the cold and depths of the water.

Show quote history

This!

Please don’t assume that inland waters are devoid of risks!

BlossomCloud · 10/08/2023 23:18

Yanbu

Even as an adult who is a very strong swimmer I would only swim in the sea alone (with someone watching from shore) if I stayed within my depth (swimming parallel to the shore)

I windsurfed and surfed a lot as a silly reckless teenager and even then I always followed the rules of only going in the sea with someone else with me.

StSwithinsDay · 10/08/2023 23:20

I live in Cornwall and every summer you hear about people being pulled out to sea on those boards due to not being aware of riptides and undercurrents.

We were in Cornwall years ago on holidays. DS was about 5 and was in the water with dh who had him by the hand. A strong wave came in, knocked ds off his feet and he went under the water and dh lost his grip on him. He surfaced about 15 feet away. This was in water that was about 3 feet deep. Very scary experience.

BlossomCloud · 10/08/2023 23:20

Amortentia · 10/08/2023 23:05

Jesus, this is insanely dangerous. I’m wondering how much experience of sea swimming some of the posters on this thread have, lots of people drown quite easily across the U.K. every summer. I am an experienced swimmer but got caught in a rip-tide down in Cornwall once in what I thought was shallow water close to the beach. It was bloody scary, an inexperienced teenager would have panicked and drowned quite easily. Also, It’s quite difficult to tell if someone is in difficulty in the water, so people drown before anyone realises they need help, you’d need to be watching like a hawk.

Agreed. People are so frustratingly naive.

I am so glad I did lots of watersports training and trained as a lifeguard as a teen . I enjoy watersports but have a very healthy respect for the water. Basic rules make so much difference to safety.

StSwithinsDay · 10/08/2023 23:21

Please don’t assume that inland waters are devoid of risks!

This. I also did scuba diving and inland waters can be absolutely breathtakingly freezing cold.

lljkk · 10/08/2023 23:22

We had safety lessons about rip tides every year when I was in school ,growing up.

Which is why I'm not afraid of them. <confused> I could recite that lecture in my sleep...

I'm in the yABU camp. 13 not 3, bodyboard not a surfboard, etc.

Happiestonthebeach · 10/08/2023 23:23

I don't think you sound very confident in your son's ability to swim tbh.
I think you need to work on his swimming so he can calculate what he is and isn't able to manage near water- especially important with adhd as there can sometimes be increased impulsivity,

it sounds like you and your husband risk assessed this differently. I'm sure dh didnt want any harm to come to your son- and didn't believe it would.
near sea though- I'd always err on the side of being cautious so I don't think you are unreasonable

Cornishclio · 10/08/2023 23:28

My goodness I am reading some of these comments with an open mouth. No wonder we get so many drownings each summer. There is no reason kids can't enjoy the sea but they need to be aware of any problems on that particular beach so riptides or if there is a shelf so the water suddenly gets deeper. Ideally if they are not strong swimmers an adult should be there making sure they don't get out of their depth. Not sure about the med but I wouldn't chance it.

Titerama · 10/08/2023 23:33

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/08/2023 22:59

If you enter the water on a surf beach, at a minimum you need to know how to float to live, how to swim parallel to the shore if caught in a rip, and how to raise the alarm if you’re in difficulty by raising your arm.

Just wanted to say that the current advice is that you should not try to swim out of the rip, even parallel. You should go with the current. The rip stops just after where the waves break, maybe a little further. And then you can swim back safely.

Swimming parallel can tire out even the best swimmers. A tired swimmer is a drowning swimmer.

Latest advice from the RNLI who lifeguard UK beaches:

If you do find yourself caught in a rip:-

Don’t try to swim against it or you’ll get exhausted.

  • If you can stand, wade don’t swim
  • If you can, swim parallel to the shore until free of the rip and then head for shore
  • Always raise your hand and shout for help

https://rnli.org/safety/know-the-risks/rip-currents

Also has the float to live video, which is relevant for all bodies of water.

Please, make your youngsters learn this stuff - and your adult family and friends who are responsible for watching the hunger ones.

Locals and RNLI rescue so many each year, but not everyone is saved once they get into trouble, and it happens way faster than you’d imagine.

Monster80 · 10/08/2023 23:34

So your 13 year old was body boarding in the mediterranean sea? I honestly think you need to remove the word ‘surf’ from your OP, it’s totally misleading. Most 80s kids probably bodyboarded in cornwall (unsupervised) from the age of seven.

justanothermanicm0nday · 10/08/2023 23:34

I think it massively depends where in the country you are.

This year I've watched my 9,11 and 13 year old bodyboard sitting on the beach in littlehampton when the tide was near (very mild waves), standing knee deep in a lifeguard controlled zone in Devon on a calm day and the once fully in the water with them in a busy but life guarded beach with big waves. The most 'accidents' (DD flipped over the bodyboard and DS caught his ankle in the strap) happened actually on the day I was fully in the water with them. Both times before I'd even waded (we were waist deep at best) to them they had sorted themselves out but DS was a little shaken after getting his foot trapped (but he is also the most nervous around water despite being a good swimmer)

Swimming in the sea is very different to in a pool, I am a confident swimmer and love sea swimming but even as an adult I would never swim alone.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/08/2023 23:36

Delatron · 10/08/2023 23:14

Watching from the shore is too far away if someone gets in trouble.

The problem is that if you are in the water, you are probably in trouble too.

You should always have a buddy when swimming but they don’t have to be next to you. Realistically, a group in the water and on shore would be better.

TregunaMekoides · 10/08/2023 23:36

lljkk · 10/08/2023 23:22

We had safety lessons about rip tides every year when I was in school ,growing up.

Which is why I'm not afraid of them. <confused> I could recite that lecture in my sleep...

I'm in the yABU camp. 13 not 3, bodyboard not a surfboard, etc.

But it sounds like the child in question has not had said safety lessons, so it's not really the same is it?

Charrington · 10/08/2023 23:36

A quick google shows at least 4 drownings on that beach in the last decade.