If you have a big lovely house and you don't work.... AIBU?

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Lighthearted ... walked the dog today. Walked a new route and into a lovely neighbourhood...private road... massive big houses with front gardens and even bigger back gardens...beautiful and houses I could only dream of.
So it had me thinking about what's inside .... of course this isn't reality for everyone but....answer me this:
If YOU live in one of these big beautiful houses (let's just assume it's whatever YOU consider to be big) and you have the lifestyle that means your partner/OH works...long hours let's say, but you have the kids and you get to shop or go to the gym daily, ho for coffee with your girlfriends etc... ARE YOU HAPPY? TRULY HAPPY?
If you are...what makes you happy?
If you are NOT happy...what's the reason?

I'm asking as it would be a fairy tale for me to live in a beautiful house like this, not having to work, but we never will and I have to work full time for our modest 3 bed semi. I'm jealous of you if you are lucky enough to have this lifestyle...BUT on balance I'm happy, so is the grass greener? AIBU to be jealous?

Discuss! And if you are in MY boat, what fo YOU think of this lifestyle ?

My BIL and SIL are this. She takes her SAHM role v seriously and is brilliant at it, house immaculate but homely, spends majority of time ferrying children between schools and hobbies and planning and organising family things or cooking lovely things. After being hosted for two days I’d totally changed my opinion on SAHM and honestly I wish I could do this. BUT I know I’m not cut out for it and I’d prefer to work. I think the lifestyle is more of a thing than size of house.

I was this women. Beautiful house, fancy car, posh holidays. I actually did work but came home every night to utter perfection - and loneliness. Partner was busy running his own business. If I moaned I was bored/lonely, he suggested shopping or spa to treat myself. I pretty much lived at the local David Lloyd.

I don't like having cleaners in the house, so I did it. The novelty of cleaning 4 toilets a week wears off I can assure you - plus 2 of them hadn't been touched since the last time I'd cleaned them.

When I went food shopping I bought 'show' apples to go in a few bowls in my amazing kitchen.

I walked away. I do miss my perfect house not going to lie! But I don't miss the loneliness of having perfection and not having a family to share it with. Money really doesn't buy happiness.

You do get used to wealth surprisingly easily and the novelty wears off quite quickly too.

My friend lives in a house like that. It is big and beautiful with a big garden and swimming pool! They only have 1dd too so several spare bedrooms. It's quite rural and wouldn't be my dream - no taxis, takeaways or nights out without a lot of travel and planning.

Honestly, yes, she is really happy! She could afford to not work but both her and DH work - part time for both when their DD was younger and now full time. They are both very pratical and enjoy managing the house, still do a lot of their own decorating etc even though they can afford to pay someone.

I think a lot of happiness is about choice. She could work less or give up or change jobs if she wanted to. They both have well paid finance jobs and have both tried to change careers but come back to it. I wouldn't work ft if I were her but I suspect it means they can put a lot into pensions and retire early, so they can look forward to that.

Am I envious, yes of course! But they both worked hard and made sensible decisions, and are both very generous people.

I have a few other friends who are well off with bigger houses (5bed +) and they are happy too. None of them are SAHP though and they are happily married.

I can't imagine anything nicer.

I wouldn't be bored. I could do sewing, potter in the garden, play tennis, read a book, play games, writing, volunteering, spend time with friends... I can think of 100s of things I'd love to just have the time to do without time restraint.

However much you like your job, and not everyone does, then surely you can think of things you'd like to do with as much free time as you want?
And if you really think you would get bored, are you planning on retiring?

I live that type if life to an extent and I love it. I spent a big part of my adult life working really hard and making very little money and to not have that level of stress as a new mum is really lovely. My husband works hard but not necessarily long hours. He still spends a lot of time in the mornings and evenings with our children, even if it means coming home for dinner and bedtime and then working more in the evening.

I can work if I want and sometimes I will take on project work but for the most part I really enjoy being at home with my young children and I take it seriously too. I plan lots of different activities for them at home, take them to various dance and art classes, etc. Our house is certainly more to maintain when I compare it to the tiny flat that we first lived in but we keep our belongings to a minimum and my husband and I spend 20 minutes cleaning once the kids are in bed so our house is always clean in the evenings and mornings. We have a lot structure when it comes to laundry, dishes, putting toys away and so even though our house is bigger it isn't too much work.

I would say I am overall very happy and while I love our house, its more so the fact that I have a happy family life that makes the big difference.

I've sort of been half way there. Have a large house and spent some time as a stay at home mum a few years ago but didn't enjoy it massively. I love being at home and pottering but I felt so undervalued despite feeling that I was constantly contributing to the family. Still have the big house but I work again. We're happy.

YABU for the question but I do get it.
I'll just say this: while it takes a bit of practice, it is incredibly liberating to stop giving any kind of shit about what other people have.

My dream scenario if living in a house like that would be having a good enough income to only work part time or my own business where I can choose my hours but work no more than 25 hours a week, and enough money that I wouldn't mind spending on lunch out and spa days, otherwise I would just rather work full time as I do now...no point being bored in the house or spend the time off just cleaning said huge house.

I know someone like this. Huge house, investment banker husband, kids in private school, cleaner, nanny, doesn't work but did previously have a decent career. She's the most insecure person I know and never truly happy with her lot and is quite isolated. I'm not saying all are like this though. I have a decent (not massive wow factor) house and don't technically need to work FT, but I've always worked PT when the kids were younger and have just gone back full time as I was really bored and they are older and more independent now.

I live in a house with an acre of garden, 50 foot drive and all that. Big house, we have 2 summerhouses and a static van for parties and 2 garages
bought it with my parents lol
dh and I have one side and upstairs and they have one side and across the back
we only have £30k os on our mortgage but are in our 50’s and bought and sold several houses
I work part time but certainly don’t buy coffee every day tho dh does.
twice the house and garden, half the bills - I know
more and more people doing it

This is a good one! We live in a big house in an affluent area and when the kids were younger I didn’t work so was at home with them. It made sense as my husband was older, more advanced in his career and earning considerably more than me. I loved the time I had off with the children but definitely always felt I was letting myself down not working so felt the need to be mega busy to justify not working outside of the home. I did the whole taking on the chair of pta, being a parent helper at nursery and volunteered my time at everything going. My husband and I have a great relationship so the issue of money wasn’t a problem and I could spend as I liked. However I didn’t like - as always felt that it wasn’t mine to spend - purely my views. Fast forward 8 years later my husband was diagnosed with cancer (early stages) and that made me think something has to give. I went back to my previous career and within 6 months was heading up a team. I’m earning fantastic money which is great as it now gives my husband the opportunity to step back if he feels the need to. I also feel more independent than I have for years. There’s a lot of pressure being the main breadwinner and I sometimes regret putting my husband in that position.

I love this.

I've been in both positions . Full time working mum with a career I loved but very stretched .started off in a terrace . My husband has climbed the ladder to a big salary and we bought a large house that needed doing up , it's taken 9 years and we've lived in a building site . I stepped away from work as it changed to something I no longer felt proud of doing. I'm now a SAHM . I am not s lady who lunches as most of my friends are working.
I'm happy

I used to be a housewife and I live in a “fairytale” house (it’s not a mansion but it’s a detached house in a very affluent part of the country). I was fed up of working (I hated the job) and DH had a very good job. DH said I could as long off work as I needed.

I filled my days with reading, cleaning, travelling, gardening and meeting friends. Really enjoyed it. I went back to work after a year and the gap never affected my job search tbf. I found a job that paid 35% better than my old job and the commute is much better. I like my new job a lot but sometimes have days where I wished I was a housewife again but I’m glad to be back at work and I enjoy having a purpose everyday.

I have a nice big house, although it’s a reno project. I have land and views. It’s in a cheap part of the UK. In reality it cost the same as the four bed semi we sold a few years ago in the midlands. So maybe you don’t mean me as we aren’t rich. However my dh does earn well and although I’ve been a Sahm since dc3 was born, he’s about to start school so I will be someone who stays home and doesn’t work at least for a while.
For me it will be recovery after a very difficult past and subsequent trauma therapy for a decade. So mine is more medical based I guess?! But I am very happy and feel no rush to be back at work. I fill my days easily with the house and garden and exercise, trauma work and rest.

What kind of things are portfolio careers please? Sounds like you have the perfect balance now - well done !

I'm now in this position. I used to work in a v stressful role with a lot of responsibility earning a 6th of what my husband earns, then when our second DC came along I never returned from Mat Leave.
Our DC are young, they attend nursery twice a week, my MIL also has them each 1 day a week (her choice - she loves the quality time with them).
We have a cleaner twice a week, a fortnightly gardener and a handyman to keep on top of things. I arrange all of that as well as the other house/life/child admin. I do all the laundry and 90% of the housework/tidying but I don't mind it.
I walk the dog every weekday.
My days with the DC are packed, we visit museums, beaches, long walks in the park/woods, attend stay and plays occasionally, have picnics, play in the garden and it's lovely.
Days without the DC I ensure the house run smoothly and have time for myself, something I never had when I worked.
DH works 8-4 from home and spends time with the kids before and after work. He cooks the evening meals because he enjoys it.
At weekends me and DH are equal as parents and homeowners.
Everyone in the household is far happier and everything runs smoothly with this set up.

Oh and I can't remember the last time I was bored.

Finding all the posts fascinating and pretty much equally distributed between happy and possibly not so much ...
It seems, and I can understand it, if you like working and love your job, big house or not you can be happy.
I hate my job... hate working ... can't see a way out that doesn't mean downsizing and the dream slips further away then. Guess I'm just daydreaming and would love to have a beautiful big serene house and be able to live stress free busying myself with all the lovely things posters have mentioned.
Has anyone given up the rat race and just moved to a cheaper area mortgage free to be stress free ?

This sounds amazing - do you mind my asking what kind of business you used to have ? I've never been brave enough to break away from paid employment.. perhaps this is what sets most apart wnd gives you , if successful, a whole new platform. I've often thought about it but then too worried about the potential impact and how to even get started whilst working full time

I think answers might be skewed by life experiences/personality types/age.

I'm a SAHM after (willingly) giving up my career 2 years ago. We have a 6 bed house with no mortgage. DP has a job where he earns 100k+ a year working from home 9-5. We love it.

DP is nearly 50. He worked long and hard as a younger man to save for the family he knew he wanted one day.

I'm a decade younger. I grew up poor, moving house a lot due to rental contracts. My dad was absent for long periods and my mum's focus was on earning money and never me (yes, they were mutually exclusive). I worked long and hard to give myself more security as an adult and to ensure that I could financially support my parents as they aged. I never expected to find a partner and have children.

DP and I are both introverts. We don't go out lots because we don't want to. We enjoy the simple things in life - family time, walks, cycling, reading, gardening and conversation. None of these things particularly cost money so it has helped us save throughout our lives and allows us to be content with our lives as they are today. There isn't anything wrong with being an extrovert but I imagine it makes the isolation of being a SAHP harder to tolerate.

Mine and DP's ages mean that we had many of the experiences we wanted before we settled down together. If you're younger, I imagine that it's hard not to feel like you're missing out on something. The way we worked in our younger years has helped to give us the freedom to choose the life we live now, which in itself feels like an achievement.

The way I grew up also means that I really appreciate and cherish the time with my DC. I'm not saying others don't but my point is that I'm maybe more content with less stimulation beyond our family because the family stability and parent/child relationship is what I always craved when growing up. I always knew I'd rather have no money but family connections if I had to choose between the two.

As I said, I love conversation about topical issues and I still get that stimulation from my friends. This is part of what stops my brain turning to mush as is the extensive reading I do. However, this is part of who I fundamentally am. I was the same person before I had DC. The same goes for DP, so the lifestyle we have suits us. I totally understand that it doesn't work for everyone. I'm glad that we're fortunate enough to have the choice of doing what works for us.

Gotta say, I'm struggling to see the male privilege we so often hear about on here with all this talk of daytime hobbies, picnics, summerhouses, and cleaners/nannies/gardeners. 😂

I get the loneliness aspect but I'm guessing the husband probs gets this too when he's stuck on his own in a hotel whilst his wife has fun with the kids. I know my BIL feels this way - Commercial Director for a household name brand and earns huge £££ but is away from home 1-2 weeks every single month.

I have a lot of friends behind those gates and all are happy (working here). In most instances I'd say the relationship is an equal one. Both husband and wife had excellent careers and bought property young. In several cases, she earned more than him.
Then comes babies and they decide she can't do her job, neither can he, with the 50:50% childcare split. So she stops work. But the relationship is an equal one because either (1) she was his professional superior at one time or (2) he appreciates what she's given up.

She isn't bored. She drops the kids off at school, goes to the gym, meets other school Mums for tennis. She might volunteer at school to hear some kids read. She'll then pick up the kids and run the gauntlet of all the extra curricular activities requiring her to be in 75 different places at the same time. She'll then bath the kids and put them to bed before husband gets home.

Are they all blissfully happy? Yeah.

I live in a big house, big garden, I’m the main bread winner, and no way I’d want to be staying home, doing the childcare and housework, I want to earn it myself. I don’t get the envy, couldn’t stomach it myself.

Retirement feels different to me. At that point, I will probably be ready to wind down but also, my husband will be retired too and not slogging away at work whilst I was going to the gym or out for coffee.

I live in a pretty glamourous house of the type that I never imagined I'd live in (the dosh for the house is mainly due to my husband's investments/jobs, plus historic rises in the property market). However, I'm pretty scruffy so I doubt you'd think of me as a 'lady what lunches' type. In fact, the only lunching I do is in my lunchhour with work colleagues (I work 3 days a week, and in fact, I don't know any women that don't work). It's has been really amazing to be able to work part time, and spend time at home with the kids/doing hobbies whilst also doing a meaningful job. I can't imagine not working.

But this is the reality: one of my children is in a dire state of mental health, and looking after her is pretty much a full-time job. My other daughter has also been severely mentally unwell too. Just to say that it's hard to tell what's really going on behind closed doors (even well-heeled ones).