If you have a big lovely house and you don't work.... AIBU?

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Lighthearted ... walked the dog today. Walked a new route and into a lovely neighbourhood...private road... massive big houses with front gardens and even bigger back gardens...beautiful and houses I could only dream of.
So it had me thinking about what's inside .... of course this isn't reality for everyone but....answer me this:
If YOU live in one of these big beautiful houses (let's just assume it's whatever YOU consider to be big) and you have the lifestyle that means your partner/OH works...long hours let's say, but you have the kids and you get to shop or go to the gym daily, ho for coffee with your girlfriends etc... ARE YOU HAPPY? TRULY HAPPY?
If you are...what makes you happy?
If you are NOT happy...what's the reason?

I'm asking as it would be a fairy tale for me to live in a beautiful house like this, not having to work, but we never will and I have to work full time for our modest 3 bed semi. I'm jealous of you if you are lucky enough to have this lifestyle...BUT on balance I'm happy, so is the grass greener? AIBU to be jealous?

Discuss! And if you are in MY boat, what fo YOU think of this lifestyle ?

I would absolutely love not to have to work, I fantasise about it 😂. I would probably (once kids are older) do lots of volunteering with church etc, cook proper meals, read loads etc etc. I am seriously planning to try and save loads once we are out of the expensive nursery phase so we can pay down the mortgage and then retire early, or at least go part time asap. I have a decent WFH job and so have the big nice house atm, but think my life would be more interesting not working and wouldn’t be bored. HOWEVER…I would only like to be in this position if I had earned it myself and it was my money iyswim, and had enough money to bascially do whatever I wanted. I would really really struggle with relying on someone else for money, I like my financial independence…this would be a stumbling block for me! I know, I know that if I was at home bringing up the kids with a husband working then people will argue that I would have earned half the money etc and that is true, but still I would struggle with not being financially independent. Dunno why I’m like this 🤷‍♀️…always valued my self sufficiency?

Lovely thread but quite a lot of people looking down on volunteering.

Quite a few "have never worked but volunteered"

Volunteering IS working just without the income. Don't assume that volunteering is unskilled.

My dream in life would be to be rich enough to not have to work.

Not in a "my partner works and I am a SAHM". In a I am rich and dont have to work.

My life would have plenty of purpose!

Okay, I'm sniggering at the people on this thread who don't work proclaiming they keep themselves "busy" with the activities that most of us do anyway, as well as working.

...and I'm going out now, sans phone, so will be missing the ping, ping, ping of indignant quotes

It’s a lot of hard work, but it’s worth it to live in this beautiful house and land. I just pointed out that’s it’s hard work and it’s boring as hell, which a lot of people forget about when they just see the beautiful house from the outside. I wouldn’t dream of selling it and downsizing at this stage of our lives - I do it so that our young children get to grow up in an amazing house, with the kind of lifestyle I couldn’t even dream of as a child, with a Mum who does all the school runs and spends a lot of quality time with them. As soon as the kids are grown up and moved out then we will 100% sell. Then my husband will retire and we plan to buy a flat in London and a condo by the beach in Florida (we have family there) and split our time between two much smaller properties, with much less work to maintain them.

We see glad it’s made you happy 😊

@MotherofGorgons

Honestly I'm not sure. My mother would say it's a sign of my ingratitude. I think perhaps it's resentment. I didn't want kids, dh got broody and I eventually agreed to try for a limited period. Pregnancy was awful (migraines and morning sickness), birth was horrendous (lost consciousness on the operating table) and then as the cherry on top, I got postpartum psychosis. Wasn't fit to return to work plus psychiatrist said I needed bonding time/no stress so lost everything I'd worked for thus far. Took me 6 years to ditch the CMHT, 2 years of therapy of varying kinds and I'm still not fully "there". Was hoping to retrain as a social worker as a postgrad, have relevant work and voluntary experience plus lived experience of neglect/emotional abuse from my own childhood but the psychosis plus the breakdown I had in lockdown made me realise that was unrealistic. Ultimately I feel stuck I suppose whilst dh bounces from payrise to payrise and promotion to promotion. Instead of both of us working long hours, it's just him and I miss the stress and adrenaline of the sort of problem solving I had to do at work even if it is bad for me.

Not in this position myself but I do have many make friends who are very successful with the lifestyle/houses you describe. Their SAHM wives are all perfectly nice but they have very ‘active’ lives away from the wives and do not see them as equals. Not saying that is the case for every situation but has been for all the ones where I have peeked behind the curtain.

I have a big house, and am currently not working as I'm on mat leave. I use the services of a dog walker, nanny, gardener and cleaner. Oh and I have a personal trainer once a week. I am bored shitless and cannot wait to go back to work!!!!

I have a lovely big house and don't work.

My husband got involved in property in 2008. This couldn't have worked out better. We are very financially secure. We have young children and I stay home with them.

I had a professional job before I had children. I didn't return after the birth of my first. I absolutely love being able to be there for them at all times. I love that I don't have to miss anything because I have work. Children are hard work - arguably harder than a 'real' job - but they bring me SO much joy.

I don't miss working. I love that I can dictate the days for myself and my children. They have had a wide range of experiences. We go on holiday every two months and my children thrive abroad.

Am I happy? Yes.

Would I go back to work? No. Perhaps I'd find another way to make money but I'd absolutely never put my happiness on the line to work under someone again.

Doubt many look after four kids full time as well as work full time 🤷‍♀️

Banana I agree with you, it is disappointing that so many people seem to sneer or look down on volunteering. I wonder if they give any thought to who takes their elderly grandma to a lunch club, who cooks the food or delivers meals on wheels, who runs the mother and toddler groups, the Food Bank, supports adults with learning disabilities in the community, does the litter picks .... etc etc etc. So much volunteering these days is filling the gaps because the 'authorities' just don't or can't do enough. A lot of people just have no idea how much society is supported by volunteers.

I was a SAHM for 12 years, only one DC so for a lot of that time he was at school . We had a 'large' house, but my DH didn't work excessive long hours or expect me to be a martyr to housework and cooking. Most of my time was spent volunteering in the community ... I was never bored or felt unfulfilled.. I do work now (part time). DH is now retired and I will be retiring soon ... does that mean my life will be dull and aimless?

This is sort of me….. pretty big house, big garden, land….Pre Covid dh worked away all week and being very rural it wasn’t practical for me to work and look after our (several) kids, plus the small holding. It was, and is still now dh is back at home, pretty constant - I’m up at 6:30 and certainly not in bed before 11pm. There’s no gym, coffee with friends is about once every three months, dinners out about once every six months….I’m definitely not a trophy wife….I’m usually in a boiler suit covered in muck😂. I have however got to the point I really need and want to get back into employment so have been studying & retraining - really really hoping to be working soon🤞!!

It wouldn't be for me. I'd find it to be incredibly dull just going to the gym, hobbies etc I need more and I love my career.

Ping! 😁

I just wanted to reiterate that I don't look down on people who do not work. I also have horses, dogs and kids and lots to fill my time with. Like I said in my previous post, it was a real shock to me to find out how much of my self esteem came from doing my job, it also comes from doing a particular job. Is it healthy to think this way? No, I don't think it is. I did try to change my mind set but the fact is that for me, I am vastly happier working. I am happy to work part time and still have time for the animals and my DH certainly likes a clean and tidy house, a well-kept garden and dinners cooked from scratch. I enjoy having more time to spend on my home, hobbies and family than I would if I was working full time and commuting. But work is where I find a lot of satisfaction and where nearly all my self esteem comes from. I get that there is more to life than work and I don't judge other people for living differently. But I need to do my job to be happy.

Are the four kids not at school?

@Dinosauratemydaffodils I totally hear you. I did want DC but they are grown now and barely want to spend any time with us, so I wonder what all that sacrifice was for really? I have only had professional success in the last 10 years.
Before that I silently seethed. When we married we were both earning similarly.

@HarrietStyles thanks for the response. Your future plan sounds great especially the beach house.

This is me during the day. Although I do work remotely at night for a company overseas. Being a SAHM is still work though. I don’t have time generally for coffee and the gym. Young children and a big old house, garden and busy husband means I’m in change of most of the mental load and general house load. We have no ‘help’ per se but that’s my choice. I’m very happy - I guess I use being busy as some social currency, I’m not just lying around in my lululemons, (which is fine if you do that also). :)

I think it would be interesting to know the bread winners perspective too. I understand that some like to be the breadwinner and more than happy to have a SAH partner but I can't help thinking I'd feel a bit resentful working fulltime (especially in stressful job/long hours etc) if my husband was enjoying his lovely life at home, meeting friends for lunch and doing hobbies. Maybe I'm just mean though.

I have done this with school age children- it was fun but I ended up filling my time with quasi work things like charity volunteering and managing the renovation of another property.

Now my kids are older teens I’m back at work- I dread becoming a mum who’s over-reliant on her kids to make her life meaningful so as they’ve needed less from me (time-wise) I’ve taken on other things.

Can’t imagine just sitting around all day. Might be fun if you had a v time-consuming hobby like horses though.

Haha, not indignant at all - i do think being stressed and busy is very different to keeping yourself busy though. I am genuinely busy managing my anarchic-and-keen-to-be-nudist commune / preschoolers. My retired mum ‘keeps herself busy’ with lovely morning Pilates classes and her meditation group. She has a full calendar but is not a stressed lady…

I can tell you that. DH liked having me at home when DC were small and we lived abroad. He wouldn't like it if I continued when they were school age..Also he has burnt out at his job because it's super stressful. 3 more years. .

I live in a big house after many tiny flats and tiny houses. My family of us and three children still pile on the one small sofa and don't use half the rooms. Not sure why we have the extra sofa and even the extra tv room. We never use it!!
So I would not be envious of people with big houses whatsoever. We don't want to spread out throughout the house. And if a couple of them did go off to another room, I would find it weird and anti social.
Also, the kitchen takes ages to clean. I'm really not loving it and the distance from fridge to chopping board to hob.
I know what you mean about walking past huge houses and imagining life behind those walls. I wouldn't waste the energy imagining how happy those people are. It's not always true and I was that same person. Extra rooms do not equal extra happiness one bit. (just that people who hate each other can escape). Half of my house is under utilised and it's because I am a poor person at heart. I actually don't know how to use it or take advantage of it.